SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Astrophysicists have been traveling in large concentric elliptical rings since the death of Albert Einstein. Universally stymied in their attempts to illuminate the farthest outposts of human knowledge, they have raised far more vexing questions than they have produced answers in their quest to measure and understand the Universe.

No question has been more vexing than the perplexing enigma referred to as Dark Matter. In essence, astrophysicists have calculated the weight of galaxies and found that they seem to be far heavier than the matter visible in them, so they must have a large component of non-luminous matter. Physicists for decades have been struggling to explain what this dark matter might be.

In desperation, two physicists from the University of Victoria in Canada held a séance to contact the ghost of Albert Einstein, to pose to him the question of Dark Matter. They were able to record and transcribe his response:

“Vhat ist all dis vhich you askv me? First, let me zee your vork. Hmm. I zee. Vhat ist it? Ist ein Newtonian Physics! Schvine! Vhat are you, Kinderphysicists? Newtonian physics applies only vhen zee orbiting bodies are not significant participants in zee gravitational field, such as vhen calculating zee planetary orbital mechanics! Vhen zee bodies comprise zee field, you must calculate zee galactic masses using mine General Relativity! Viola! Now zis requirement for ze dark matter goes kaput! Now please to let me alone and ask Hawking to do zis grunt vork for you next time!”

Matthew writes: The $ 2M Grand Challenge prize awarded to the Stanford University for their automated VW Toureg “Stanley” (which successfully navigated the 150-mile desert test course) was stolen by H1ghlander, the #2 placed competitor.

Upon reaching the finish line, H1ghlander arrived at the finish line and apparently determined that it had lost. At that point, the vehicle leapt into the air and landed on two “legs” which were apparently formed by a hidden assembly in the rear quarter-panel portions of the vehicle. A synthesized voice then exclaimed “We are the Decepticon!“. The robot then reached over, snatched the check, and then launched directly into the desert sky, apparently borne aloft by jet engines built into the “feet” area.

Organizers were at a loss to explain the occurrence or where H1ghlander may have gone.

Matthew writes: Sirs,

Your article entitled “Skeleton Of Mayan Nerd Dug From Prehistoric Locker“, while humorous, is rife with anthropological and archeological inaccuracies.

Firstly, the Altun Ha settlement was not yet settled in 800 B.C. The Mayan culture had not yet distinguished itself from its Olmec forebearers (who would have been in full bloom in 800 BC).

Secondly, the dwellers at Altun Ha did not begin to use stone lockers until the classical period beginning in 200 A.D. Altun Ha was a religious center whose only high school served the children of priests, who had no need to store illicit drugs while at school.

Finally, there never were any antelope, or any other large ungulate besides the Llama, in South America then or now.

Normally, I would never take to task the editor of another esteemed satirical publication. But the outragous fabrications in your piece bespoke a lack of fastidious fact checking unbecoming to your organization.

matthew writes: Just as coalition partners HP and Dell slammed the Toshiba/Microsoft/Dell backed HD DVD insurgency against the Sony led Blu-Ray consortium, a new poll has shown that public support for the media war has dropped to its lowest point ever.

Peace talks between the Blu-Ray coalition and the HD-DVD consortium fell apart two months ago after the Blu-Ray coalition refused to provide technical support until after the HD-DVD consortium renounced its physical media standard and rejoined the media non-proliferation treaty.

War protesters led by a mother whose son had purchased four movies on the Sony PSP UMD format before realizing that there was no way to show them on an actual television tried to converge on Sony’s headquarters before discovering that the headquarters are in an undisclosed location. Further, Bryon Jensen, leader of the Amiga Martyrs Brigade has announced that his group will not provide driver support for HD-DVD in any Amiga emulator.

Matthew writes: As the president of the American Society of Website Critics, I would like to offer the following free analysis of the fictional content of your website. Please use this critical analysis in the spirit it was intended—to assist you in improving the believability of your story, thus enhancing the experience for your intended audience.

The female lead was billed as a teenager; she clearly was not. Casting is key—actors must match the age, race, stereotype, and style of the fictional character. You can’t cast Cher as a high-school cheerleader, for example.

The plot did not seem particularly believable—nobody would order a cheese pizza with no other toppings. Cheese pizzas only exist for some sort of tax reason. It would not have significantly impacted the production budget to have included pepperoni, and may have made the subsequent frame somewhat more believable.

What are the female lead’s motivations in frame 5? In frame 4, she seems shocked—there is no effective transition here.

The sudden appearance of a supporting male actor in frame 7 was unexplained. Who is this new character? What are his motivations? Why would I as a reader care about him? It does not seem economically competitive to use two employees to deliver pizza—this smacks of melodrama.

The story lacks an effective ending. Do the male and female lead live happily ever after? Do they ever meet in Paris? Or does he simply continue making his deliveries? What becomes of the supporting male actor—the mysterious person whose face we never see?

With some additional transitions, a little more character development, and some additional polishing you’d have a photoplay worth the $ 3.95 access charge. Good luck!

Matthew writes: In announcing their “Back to the Moon” Strategy for sending Americans back to the Moon a mere 50 years after the first time they did it, NASA has announced that rather than attempting to develop anything new, they would simply reanimate the remains of Werner Von Braun and ask him/it to help reconstitue the Atlas V heavy lift rocket.

“We don’t have the plans anymore. We, uh, ‘lost’ them once we decided to do the Space Shuttle, just in case some congressperson decided that rockets were cheaper than shuttles or something.”

“Anyhoo, we took a straw poll here at mission control, and it turns out not a damned one of us is a rocket scientist. Can you believe that? I was like, ‘Hey, who let all the engineers go?’—that was a laugh. But yeah, we have no friggin idea how to build a rocket. I really think everyone here thought that somebody else did it. I could have sworn that Bob down the hall was a Rocket Scientist, but nope—he’s just a chemist whose been doing project management for twenty years. Man, he can whip out a mean PowerPoint presentation though.”

“So we took a look at some of the other science we’ve been doing, and we realized that it would be a lot easier to just reanimate Werner Von Braun than it would be to reengineer the Saturn V. So we’re going to move on that front instead.”

daan writes: Yesterday the first baby with three parents was born in the Newcastle University Hospital to parents Simon Sayes, Robin Byron, and Michelle Gaye, according to British scientists who followed the story since its conception. Baby Tryst, at a healthy 3400 grams, appeared normal in all respects in cursory physicals, according to government doctors, but reporters interviewing hospital staff found them unsettled by mysterious centipede-like birthmarks scattered over the baby’s body and cylindrical nodules protruding from either side of her neck.

There has been intense public speculation into the relationship between the three parents. Reporters for The Guardian managed to corner Mr. Sayes in a loo for a short exchange, the only one so far granted the press. On the delicate matter of activities leading up to conception, Mr. Sayes responded that it was a private matter. When pressed he mercurially replied that much of it proceeded “much as it would with anyone else” but that Ms. Gaye’s contribution was necessarily preceded by an intensive acrobatics education.

Matthew writes: Researchers in the UK have announced that an embryo has been created in the lab with three parents, a Northumbrian couple and a hair sample from the sexually ambiguous 1972 version of David Bowie known as Ziggy Stardust.

“I’m really spaced out about this,” said Ms/Mr Stardust, reached by an LSD induced coma after repeated viewings of “The man who fell to Earth”.

“This confluence of myself with the distant, post 2000 era future is the culmination of Aquarian thought/manifesto/philosophy. A future in which all humanity can literally be the parent of every child will give rise to a oneness in which all man, woman, and otherkind will share in a single global consciousness, thereby eliminating hunger, government, war, etc. It’s just way out man, and it’s groovy to be a part of it.”

The modern David Bowie had no comment, other than to say that he fully supports the actions of earlier versions of himself so long as they are legal and sanitary.

Matthew writes: In a trio of papers published in Science magazine, scientists have pinpointed three genes whose genetic mutations map to significant advances in civilization because they allow humans to grow relatively large heads.

The first gene, known as Microcephalin, is responsible for determining the size of the brain. This gene first appeared 37,000 years ago, at a time when weapon use, music, and spirituality first became apparent in humans.

The second gene, ASPM, works in conjunction with Microcephalin and appeared 5,700 years ago, at the point when civilization arose from agricultural communities.

The third gene, MBS, is responsible for abnormally large egos. A new mutation of this gene appeared just 35 years ago, presaging important technological advances such as blogging for no apparent audience, instant messaging to strangers, spam, and online dating services. It is also responsible for a comforting feeling that one is important to humanity despite evidence to the contrary.

Matthew writes: U.S. President George Bush today declared a “War on Weather” to combat the “rising tide of rising tides” and “stop the forces of weather extremism where they start”.

“Mother nature has a responsibility to bring her concerns before the world body of the UN, rather than plaguing mankind with extreme weather. We will not be cowed by these acts of eco-terrorism. We will not lower our green-house gas emissions, or even admit that human activity affects weather.”

The president announced a new series of low-pressure-busting bombs to be dropped in the centers of hurricanes in order to disrupt their formation, and announced that Venezuela and Cuba have been identified as “centers of hurricane formation”. He has tasked the Department of Defense with drawing up invasion plans to enact regime change in those countries.