National Asperger’s Institute diagnoses rest of humanity

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday May 17, 2006 @04:25PM

from the monkey-see-monkey-don't dept.


Matthew writes: The National Asperger’s Institute has released clinical diagnostic criteria for nuerotypical (normal) humans, placing the list of symptoms under the umbrella spectrum disorder “Pooflinger’s Syndrome.” Dr. Sarl Cagan explains the reason and meaning of the diagnosis.

“Recent research suggests that neurotypical individuals are, in fact, capable of relatively high functioning language abilities. This discovery, along with the fact that they exhibit at least some facility with computers, indicates that a clinical diagnosis can be helpful in getting these individuals the help that they so desperately need.”

Symptoms of Pooflinger’s Syndrome include:

“A clinical diagnosis of Pooflinger’s Syndrome can open up federal assistance grants to get these people the help they need, before it’s too late.”

Scientists translate Dolphin Names

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday May 10, 2006 @10:24AM

from the flip-hop dept.


matthew Strebe writes: After discovering that dolphins create a signature whistle for themselves similar to a human name , Scientists have diligently begun translating the names of groups of dolphins from both Australia and Florida.

“The most surprising thing we’ve discovered is that dolphins name themselves—they’re not named by their pod mates or parents. This has precedent in numerous human cultures, and we’ve focused on those cultures when selecting translations for dolphins.”

“For example, Flip-master D, the leader of the Miami South Beach pod, swims with most of the females in the pod, including Babynose, Li’l Swim, Lady Lobes, and Sleek-Eek-Eek, whereas other more reclusive males such as Hydrodynamic, LL Cold J, and Torpedo G prefer to swim alone.”</ p>

“We’ve also identified an Eastern Hemisphere/Western Hemisphere rivalry between the Foridian and Australian Bottlenose Dolphins, with the Australians giving themselves group names, such as “The Sea Beasties”, “The GBR Wrecking Krew”, and “Antipodean Shark Killaz”—a pod name that scientists described as being particularly difficult to translate. DJ Locker, leader of the ASK, issued a warning through scientists to Flip-master D: “That trained-ass hoop jumpin’ monkey lover best not flip to tha GBR, or we be servin’ his ass up to some Japanese research vessels, true dat.”

Nintendo's Wii Theme Song

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday May 10, 2006 @10:23AM

from the Wii-won't-rock-you dept.


Erik Cornelius writes: After deciding that their Revolution console should be renamed to Wii, Nintendo has created quite a stir in the gamer community. In response to the renaming, some indie songwriters have created a theme song to ridicule the change. Based on “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by the Tokens, “A Wii to Play” chronicles the horrified reaction of many a hardcore gamer.

Research scientist quits over magic mouse

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday May 9, 2006 @09:47PM

from the Smighty-Mouse dept.


matthew writes: Zheng Cui, M.D., Ph.D., the director of research at Wake Forest University, has relinquished his position over his distress at the discovery of a mouse with natural resistance to even the most virulent forms of Cancer.

“You have to understand. I’ve spent forty years—four decades—studying cancer. I know even the most esoteric details about the propagation of cancer and the defensive mechanisms that the body normally supports. I’ve created and tested hundreds of theories and hypotheses and performed hundreds of thousands of experiments in search of a mechanism to defeat this most vicious of human diseases.”

“And then this damned mouse mutates, and voila! All my work is for naught. I could simply have been a rat breeder and made this discovery. Furthermore, because he’s a lab mouse, he’s a near exact clone of his parents, so isolating the genes that confer this protection against cancer were obvious.”

“So, my work is done. Stupid mouse.”

PR release: AT&T Introduces new Privacy+ Tier & NSA Turbo-Speed Tier

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday May 9, 2006 @08:44PM

from the Speed-of-Blight dept.


Eyes Only writes: AT&T Introduces Privacy+ Tier for Consumers and an NSA Turbo-Speed Tier for the government, at Market-Leading Prices

Wednesday April 26, 6:00 am ET

For 24.95 a month extra, the new Privacy+ Tier offers consumers the ability to feed all data to the NSA at the slowest speeds available. However, for an extra 24.95 per month, per customer, the NSA can override the Privacy+ Tier and spy on Americans at Speeds of up to 6.0 Megabits per Second

SAN ANTONIO–(BUSINESS WIRE)–April 26, 2006–AT&T Inc. (NYSE:T – News) today announced a new, higher-privacy tier for its AT&T Yahoo!� High Speed Internet service that meets consumers’ growing outrage for allowing the NSA full availability to its backbone. At the same time, it announced a new NSA Turbo-Speed Tier that, for a fee, allows the government to override the newly introduced Privacy+ Tier.

Read the rest of this entry »

How Kaavya Viswanathan Got Published, Got Accepted to Harvard, and Got Screwed

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday May 2, 2006 @12:29PM

from the booxploitation dept.


Matthew writes: Kaavya Viswanathan’s book, “How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life” has already been eviscerated for containing obviously plagiarized passages from Megan McAfferty’s two books “Sloppy Firsts” and “Second Helpings” , and from the novel “Can You Keep a Secret?” by Sophie Kinsella. Kaavya had worked with a “Book Packager” who used ghost writers and editors to rewrite her work and shopped it to various publishers.

It now appears that Miss Viswanathan’s book may have plagiarized even more content from the satire website “SlashNOT”. For example, the book uses the phrases:
“I don’t think he…” from the SlashNOT short “Man with robotic arms goes on Rampage”
“…your car. The…” taken from “10th Planet revealed to be Death Star”
“…looks a lot like…” taken from “Yahoo! does walk of shame”
Furthermore, the mysterious male object of desire in Kaavya’s book has dark eyes and a scar on his left hand, just like the protagonist of “Cheetah the chimpanzee turns 74, demands universal health care for apes”</ p>

Matthew, editor of SlashNOT, had this to say: “It’s baffling, and a little sad. I just hope she gets the help she needs. I guess kids these days don’t realize that all the words have been used up– especially the 2500 words that the average 14 year old understands. I just feel badly for her.”</ p>

SlashNOTes: SlashNOT announces Arabic Edition

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 1, 2006 @08:20PM

from the just-add-fuel dept.


Matthew writes: Infamous satire website SlashNOT has announced the immediate availability of it’s Arabic Edition. SlashNOT Arabic language editor Ateb Elgoog announced the new site:

“Society in the Arab world have always talked resident visual techniques front, especially when translated Especially when turning the machine. We extend our armament fraternity to our friends in the Arab world And inviting them to participate in the funny and its bounty. ” “

Pasta Factory Closed for Fraud

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 1, 2006 @08:19PM

from the fried-green-soylent dept.


Sirius writes: In a recent and horrifying uncovery by the police, a factory which had been generating pasta for the past several years was discovered to be using a revolutionary new technology in which carbon nanotubes and noodle-like polymer molecules to help create their delicious pasta.

The technique they used can be applied to a wide range of applications. In particular, it will be possible to build other biosensors “that react specifically with other biological chemicals, environmental agents or even microbes, as well as to create pasta.

The enzymes of the pasta are perfectly suited to conditions in which you can generate layer by layer of lasagne like material out of anything – even people.

After several employees went missing during an understock of these tasty pastas, the police investigated and discovered a soylent green like scene.

When the president of the company was interviewed, he was quoted as saying, “The idea was brilliant. Almost 7 billion people in the world, how could you not use them to create pasta? Don’t give me that disgusted look. You’re next. And that microphone as well.” Shortly afterwards, the president went missing.

When questioned, the police chief refused to comment, and continued to eat his lasagne.

Root Languages added to Urban Dictionary

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 1, 2006 @08:18PM

from the l00k-n00bs dept.


Sirius writes: Urban Dictionary has recently announced that they will be adding new root language information to each of their entrees.

“Many of the people who view our site would be shot in public if they were to use some of the words that we have in our library. With knowledge as to where these words were derived, we can avoid potential lawsuits, and help inform the public of how to use these words more properly.”

The root languages will include ‘Gangsta’, ‘Asian’, ‘Nerd’, ‘Internet’, ‘C++’, ‘Children based TV shows not limited to Teletubies’, and ‘Pre 16-Bit Era’.

“Often times, you will encounter words such as H4X0RZ, and it would be much simpler to know that you are only allowed to say this on the internet. Another example would be “ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US” will provoke unwanted hostility when used in public.”

Urban Dictionary also is considering adding a translator for difficult phrases such as ‘ROFLMAO GG NUBL3T GOT PWN3D!!!11!!1@NOSPAM@NOSPAM@NO_SPAM111!!!!’ into a much more understandable ‘You Suck’.

10th planet revealed to be Death Star

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday April 18, 2006 @08:49PM

from the twinkle-twinkle dept.


Matthew writes: Scientists using the Hubble space telescope have recently determined that Xena, unofficially the 10th planet in the solar system, is actually a constructed Death Star.

“The planet reflects 86% of the sunlight that reaches it. It’s shiny. It’s considerably shinier than your car. The only reasonable explanation is that it is a nearly complete death star—which may in fact be fully operational. We need to begin training rebel pilots immediately.”

Other scientists reacted with skepticism, stating that other possible explanations exist.

“Statistically speaking, it’s more likely to be a Base Star because more of them are hypothesized to exist. In that case, we need to begin training colonial pilots—not rebel pilots. Or, it could possibly be a multigenerational colonization ship, in which case we needn’t worry because the occupants have most certainly succumbed to a revolution generations ago and forgotten that a universe outside their ship even exists. They’ll just fall harmlessly into the sun.”

“Calling it a Death Star based solely on its reflectivity is irresponsible when other legitimate possibilities exist.”