SlashNOT

The government of Pluto, a territory in the Kuiper Belt formerly considered the 9th planet of the solar system, has launched several missles in retaliation for recent sanctions by the IAU that revoked its planetary status.

“We will not stand for this,” read a statement released by the Plutonian Ambassador to the IAU, Ognar 332A Zarquon. “Aggressive measures against our opressors will continue as long as we are regarded as a mere dwarf planet.”

Pluto’s planetary status has been in dispute since the territory was established in 1930, and this latest action brings a grave setback to the already shaky Kuiper Belt peace process.

While most of the missles were targeted at the neighboring territory of Xena, which was promoted to equal “dwarf planet” status by the IAU resolution, at least one missle appears to be targeted at the United States. According to NORAD, it may reach its target as early as October 2026.

You were HARBINGER{u_suck} and I was DEVOLUTION. I loved the way it seemed like we were the only two on the field, even on a crowded server of 36. You preferred the Gehwer 43 submachine gun while I almost exclusively used an M187 trench gun, resorting to a scoped Kar98 only when distance kept us apart. Like the Native American and the Wolf, we respected each other as top predators except that only I could form a grammatical sentence.

Just to be sure it’s you, tell me how many times I shot you from the bell tower in Maresteglise_france.wad before you finally made it up the tower ladder and blew me away with a grenade attack. I liked how you took the Scoped Kar off my still warm corpse and used it to take me out a second time shortly after I spawned in the old farm house—that was brilliance that reminded me of myself in my younger days. By the way, if you’re wondering how I was able to dance around you in circles and evade your machine, gun, it’s called a trackball. I’d like to show you mine someday—that’s one of just many things I could show you.

Was it just me, or did we make a connection? I hope you check craigslist often, and I’ll be waiting for you in Call Of Duty 2 Online…

SlashNOT is back from summer vacation after SlashNOT Editor in Chief finally remembered his password. The weekly posting schedule shall resume immediately. We apologize for any saterical needs you’ve had that may have been unfullfilled in this interrim period.