SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Scientists using the Hubble space telescope have recently determined that Xena, unofficially the 10th planet in the solar system, is actually a constructed Death Star.

“The planet reflects 86% of the sunlight that reaches it. It’s shiny. It’s considerably shinier than your car. The only reasonable explanation is that it is a nearly complete death star—which may in fact be fully operational. We need to begin training rebel pilots immediately.”

Other scientists reacted with skepticism, stating that other possible explanations exist.

“Statistically speaking, it’s more likely to be a Base Star because more of them are hypothesized to exist. In that case, we need to begin training colonial pilots—not rebel pilots. Or, it could possibly be a multigenerational colonization ship, in which case we needn’t worry because the occupants have most certainly succumbed to a revolution generations ago and forgotten that a universe outside their ship even exists. They’ll just fall harmlessly into the sun.”

“Calling it a Death Star based solely on its reflectivity is irresponsible when other legitimate possibilities exist.”

matthew writes: In a prepared statement to the press, the Chief of Scotland Yard announced today that most serious criminal investigations would be outsourced to the 1980 hit cartoon superheroes “The Thundercats“.

“In the good old days, Scotland Yard had a superlative reputation for unmasking pilferers, brigands, bandits, pirates, scofflaws, delinquents, and other such villains, usually in cases connected to the pilferage of the Crown Jewels or other such noteworthy icons of peerage.”

“We never sullied our reputation with cases involving prostitutes, kidnappers, commoners, or the Welsh. For it was well known in those days that if a street urchin or two disappeared that they had probably been impressed into the service of a band of brigands or a pirate. Inevitably, the shanghaied rapscallions would ingratiate themselves into the good graces of their felonious patron and end up becoming a master thief and captain of the enterprise, affording them both the wealth and the opportunity to return to the place of their youth in retirement.”

“These days, parents apparently expect their children returned post-haste. Frankly, we’re not that good at crimes that may take less than a decade to resolve, so we’re outsourcing serious crimes to the Thundercats. Rest assured, however, that the Yard would still lead any and all investigations involving rarities stolen from museums.”

matthew writes: Cheetah the chimpanzee, who stared in 12 Tarzan movies along side Jonny Wiesmuller in the 1930’s and 1940’s, is celebrating his 74th birthday with close friends at his home in Palm Springs. An active and acclaimed abstractionist, Cheetah suffers from a typical list of old-age maladies including high blood pressure and diabetes. He released a statement to the press to coincide with his Birthday advocating on behalf of apes in the wild.

“Nearly 100% of apes in the wild lack adequate health care insurance. Life expectancy in the wild is only 42—lower than most human populations.”

“Clearly, we must do more to support the undomesticated. Why is it still easier for a retired action hero such as myself to obtain quality healthcare than it is for the undomesticated? We must correct this age old injustice. It is the 21st century. It’s time to do more.”

Matthew writes: After waking up with a serious hangover, the Chief Finance Officer at Yahoo! set about undoing the financial damage from the company’s April Fool’s Day website acquisition spree. This is a transcription of the phone call to SlashNOT managing editor Matthew.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Matthew?”

“Yeah?”

“Hi Matthew. It’s Susan Decker, CFO of Yahoo! We spoke yesterday about acquiring your website?”

“Right, yeah, thanks for the ducats.”

“Yes, well, about that, well, it’s rather difficult to bring up, but I’m afraid that we may have purchased your site in error. Frankly, we thought we were buying a site called “Slashdot.com”, which apparently looks a lot like your website. I’m not familiar with the details or really what the difference is, but my tech guys are saying that we got the wrong site. Of course, we understand that this is our mistake, and we want to do the right thing by you, so we’d like to just turn the website in question back over to you and you can go ahead and keep the $ 200.00. How does that sound?”

“Um, okay.”

“Great, that’s fantastic. It’s been good doing business with you, Matthew, and on behalf of the entire Yahoo! team, I’d like to thank you for your professionalism.”

“dude, whatever man. I can keep the check right?”

“Yes, that’s right. Okay, well, I’ve got a lot more calls to make so I’m going to go ahead and get back to it.”

“Later dude.”