SlashNOT

Paul writes: Jesus Christ has announced that he will begin appearing in High Definition to selected believers throughout the country, and expects to roll out Christendom-wide High Definition experiences by 2013. Christsumers have responded enthusiastically to the new format, although there has been some concern about unauthorized spreading of the gospel in High Definition with devices such as Belivo.

“We just love our new High Definition church,” exclaims flock member Steven Hightower. “It was really hard to make out Christ in our visions before. I mean, we’d squint, and you could kind of tell it was him, but it was nothing like HD. He totally pops now. It’s just like Heaven!”

“That’s right,” says his wife Judith, “Or old pastor was really tinny when he beseeched into his microphone and at our new church, we just feel like we’re surround-sounded by the spirit. Plus I don’t get ostracized for wearing bare-midriff tops and my navel ring. And their rock band is totally better than the old hymn-singing fogies at our last church. We really feel like we’re getting our tithe’s worth now.”

Just a Guy writes: Filed Wednesday in California Superior Court in Santa Clara County, the suit charges Linus Torvalds with implementing and encouraging unfair trade practices in the development and deployment of the Linux operating system.

The suit alleges that the Linux operating system (available as an alternative for personal and corporate computing) uses unfair trade practices to make finding and using exploits much more difficult. A party to the class action suit, Symantec, commented that Linux, by NOT upholding the standards to which other operating systems are exploitable, has an unfair market advantage by not requiring the purchase of generally inexpensive and somewhat effective third party tools.

The main remedies sought in relief of the suit are summarized:

1) Force all users to use Linux as the administrator (root for the technically savvy)
2) Remove all included firewalls in the software.
3) Make all files installed on the system world writable
4) Enforce a mandatory delay between exploit detection and patches.

Of the four remedies above, number 4 is deemed the most important at leveling the playing field. In normal circumstances, when an exploit is detected, there is time for malicious code writers to take advantage of it, and therefore time for software security companies to develop fixes and keep the cycle of normal computer security rolling. An anonymous source stated “what good does it do anyone when a security exploit is closed before it can be taken advantage of”.

In a phone conversation, Linux responded “I think I will have waffles for breakfast”.

The lead plaintiff, Arron Semple, deceased, could not be reached for comment.

Matthew writes: Department of Energy Officials restored funding to a renewable energy lab in Colorado upon finding out that the President would be visiting. DOE Secretary Bodman explains:

“We had just cut off funding for the lab and laid everyone off, when we found out that the President was going to be there. So we flew in, rounded up the villagers—I mean, researchers—and fed and clothed them. Once they regained enough strength, we taught them how to sing some of the President’s favorite songs, such as Lee Greenwood’s ‘I’m proud to be an American’ and Bush’s ‘Glycerine’.

“It was a huge success. The President clearly had a great time clapping and singing, and we clearly made him feel like we have an alternative energy policy in this country. The villagers—I mean, researchers—all got new clean white lab coats and a shiny new coat of paint on their lasers and microwave emitter waveguides.”

Matthew writes: It’s no surprise that ABC has the second most popular reality series (after CBS’s “Survivor”) in their “The Bachelor/The Bachelorette” series. They’re bending the rules with the next installment: “The Mormon Bachelor”

As fans know, “The Bachelor/ette” is a round-robin simple elimination show where an attractive person is presented with 25 members of the opposite sex to choose from, and cuts the field in half basically every episode. The first night, 12 are cut, then 6, 3, 1, and 1 resulting in a single finalist whom the contestant may propose to.

Producer Charles Tumult explains: “We looked for a gamble—something we could do that said ‘alternative lifestyle’ without being gay, because that alienates our core demographic of women who identify themselves as vaguely Christian. When we hit on polygamy, we knew it would be reality television gold.”

“The Mormon Bachelor” differs in that The Bachelor chooses when to end the show: With 13 brides, 7, 4, or 2. If it gets down to one, I think we’d be disappointed from a ratings standpoint.”

Matthew writes: Microsoft is planning to include new “Infocard” technology in Internet Explorer that will allow websites to extract personal information from your computer without requiring a password.

“We looked at the web landscape, and the security performance of both our web browser and Mozilla/Firefox, and we realized that any website can own your computer with spyware no matter what we do, so why bother with typing a password? We figure that by having a standardized protocol for a website to rifle through your personal information, they won’t have to install spyware to get it—and that’s a big security bonus.”

“We want to make sure security isn’t holding us back.“

Matthew writes: The Best of SlashNOT! is now availalbe from iUniverse Press (annoying permanent ad coming soon…) and from Amazon.com.

Did your post make the cut to show up in print? Click more to read the list of authors (Besides Matthew, Michaal, and Charles) and their contributed stories that were included in the book. Mearzuh is the big winner (no surprise there) with 11 stories that will now contribute to our personal gain! And if sales are good, we’ll publish “Volume II: The Rest of SlashNOT!”

Matthew writes: Scientists have confirmed, through a number of various techniques, that mean temperatures in the Northern Hemisphere are the highest since 900 A.D. Researchers at the University of East Anglia explain:

“looking at data going back to 800 A.D., including personal journals and diaries, tree rings, fossil shells, and ice cores, we can confirm that temperatures have almost reached the maximum of the Medieval Warm period, when serfs and Lords alike would drive their grass guzzling SUVs, toss out disposable leather food containers with abandon, and engage in emissions heavy industries such as agriculture and animal husbandry.”

“Like our ancestors, we must take a hard look at our current practices, and find a plan to reduce human caused warming. The courage of Crusading against an ideological enemy and allowing bubonic plague to run rampant caused 33% of the population to be killed off, resulting in net 33% reduction in human based emissions.”

“It’s this sort of progressive, forward looking, selfless thinking that we need in order to reduce our current consumption. I look forward to a global flu pandemic, or perhaps an ideological war between major religions, to provide just the sort of emissions reductions that we so desperately need.”

Matthew writes: Building on the success of its new “four letter, ends in R, and drops schwa vowels” naming scheme, Motorola has announced a new line of trendy niche phones. The new phones will target specific demographics that have been traditionally underserved. Other phones in the new lineup include:

• HAXR � includes BT, WiFi, 1xRTT, EvDO, CDMA, GSM, USB, and 14 other acronyms
• GAZR—Small enough to be clipped to grommet hole in ear
• PLYR—Second phone book and photo storage that can only be accessed by secret code
• GEZR—extra large LCD display, sudden fall sensor automatically dials 911
• BOMR—has convenient alligator clips from speaker for easy remote signaling
• TAZR—DTMF tone for # causes phone to deliver 50,000 volt shock to owner
• FUKR—extra loud speakerphone only with annoying ring tones built in.

Matthew writes: We’re back from producing the Best of SlashNOT!–It’s being published as we speak and will be available soon. As you can see, the satirical onslaught has resumed.

I would like to take a moment to speak about something very serious going on in the world of Satire. Recently, a Danish newspaper published some (frankly not funny) cartoons that pictured the prophet Mohammed (PBUH). I would like to state categorically that SlashNOT would never stoop to satirizing a religion adhered to by people who might find out where we live and kill us, and we do this out of respect for our own lives. That’s why we adhere to a policy of only satirizing Mormons.

Matthew writes: Apple computer was sued today in class action lawsuit alleging that iPod users suffer from an impaired ability to hear while using the device.

“When you’ve got Gorillaz blasting at full volume on your iPod, it’s difficult to hear what’s going on around you” claimed lead attorney Jackie Chiles. “This hearing loss can lead to excessive loud talking in public, overuse of the word ‘what?’, a smug and unwarranted feeling of superiority, a sense of isolation from others and the world, dancing in silhouette, and—worst of all—could lead to Macintosh use. Consumers weren’t appraised of these dangers when they bought iPods.”