SlashNOT

Matthew writes: In an attempt to catch spammers, Microsoft has created a zombie network designed to be attacked and infiltrated by hackers. The network, consisting of 500 million consumer and business grade computers, was specially infected with “Microsoft Windows”—software explicitly designed to attract hackers and allow them to easily compromise the machines.

A Microsoft spokesman explains: “We take typical computers and convince their owners (we call them Zombies) to install Windows. Once the machines have been thoroughly compromised, we take three or four of them and track down the people controlling them. This allows us to prosecute those individuals, thus making the Internet safer for everyone.”

Matthew writes: The body of Rosa parks arrived today at the Capitol Rotunda-an exclusive “men’s only” Washington area mausoleum, where it lay defiantly in honor, refusing to move. The Capitol Rotunda, historically reserved exclusively for the bodies of dead men, was abuzz in activity as first the custodial staff and then the Secret Service attempted to convince or coerce the defiant late Ms. Parks to leave without causing a scene.

The former Ms. Parks would not even acknowledge the attempts, remaining proudly in state without dignifying their efforts with a response. Having apparently learned from the last time Ms. Parks refused to budge, the government quickly jumped on the bandwagon, opening the doors of the Rotunda to visitors and dignitaries wishing to pay their respects.

Matthew writes: NASA has become increasingly vocal about it’s dismay over the longevity of the Martian rovers Spirit and Opportunity. Mars exploration program manager Orlando Figueroa had this to say about the durability of the rovers:

“These rovers were designed to operate for 3 months. We’re over 24 months now—that’s almost ten times longer than they were supposed to last. Yeah, it was all fun at first, what with Spirit’s boot problems at all, and it was great when they lasted longer than three months, you know, in theory, just to show that we can make things that last as long as their supposed to.”

“But seriously, you try maintaining a 24.5 hour long days over the course of two years. My sex life is totally gone man. I leave at what I think is 10:00 p.m., open the back door and get totally blasted by noonday sun. This was supposed to be a few months gig for me, and it’s turning into a damned career.”

“It’s not like the public is going to let us abandon two perfectly good rovers because we’re tired of staring at rocks all day, so our budget is totally blown out of the water. What are we giving up to pay for the continued operations? We could be blowing up asteroids or dropping probes on Venus—you know, going where no rover has gone before.”

Matthew writes: Astrophysicists have been traveling in large concentric elliptical rings since the death of Albert Einstein. Universally stymied in their attempts to illuminate the farthest outposts of human knowledge, they have raised far more vexing questions than they have produced answers in their quest to measure and understand the Universe.

No question has been more vexing than the perplexing enigma referred to as Dark Matter. In essence, astrophysicists have calculated the weight of galaxies and found that they seem to be far heavier than the matter visible in them, so they must have a large component of non-luminous matter. Physicists for decades have been struggling to explain what this dark matter might be.

In desperation, two physicists from the University of Victoria in Canada held a séance to contact the ghost of Albert Einstein, to pose to him the question of Dark Matter. They were able to record and transcribe his response:

“Vhat ist all dis vhich you askv me? First, let me zee your vork. Hmm. I zee. Vhat ist it? Ist ein Newtonian Physics! Schvine! Vhat are you, Kinderphysicists? Newtonian physics applies only vhen zee orbiting bodies are not significant participants in zee gravitational field, such as vhen calculating zee planetary orbital mechanics! Vhen zee bodies comprise zee field, you must calculate zee galactic masses using mine General Relativity! Viola! Now zis requirement for ze dark matter goes kaput! Now please to let me alone and ask Hawking to do zis grunt vork for you next time!”

Matthew writes: The $ 2M Grand Challenge prize awarded to the Stanford University for their automated VW Toureg “Stanley” (which successfully navigated the 150-mile desert test course) was stolen by H1ghlander, the #2 placed competitor.

Upon reaching the finish line, H1ghlander arrived at the finish line and apparently determined that it had lost. At that point, the vehicle leapt into the air and landed on two “legs” which were apparently formed by a hidden assembly in the rear quarter-panel portions of the vehicle. A synthesized voice then exclaimed “We are the Decepticon!“. The robot then reached over, snatched the check, and then launched directly into the desert sky, apparently borne aloft by jet engines built into the “feet” area.

Organizers were at a loss to explain the occurrence or where H1ghlander may have gone.

Matthew writes: Sirs,

Your article entitled “Skeleton Of Mayan Nerd Dug From Prehistoric Locker“, while humorous, is rife with anthropological and archeological inaccuracies.

Firstly, the Altun Ha settlement was not yet settled in 800 B.C. The Mayan culture had not yet distinguished itself from its Olmec forebearers (who would have been in full bloom in 800 BC).

Secondly, the dwellers at Altun Ha did not begin to use stone lockers until the classical period beginning in 200 A.D. Altun Ha was a religious center whose only high school served the children of priests, who had no need to store illicit drugs while at school.

Finally, there never were any antelope, or any other large ungulate besides the Llama, in South America then or now.

Normally, I would never take to task the editor of another esteemed satirical publication. But the outragous fabrications in your piece bespoke a lack of fastidious fact checking unbecoming to your organization.

matthew writes: Just as coalition partners HP and Dell slammed the Toshiba/Microsoft/Dell backed HD DVD insurgency against the Sony led Blu-Ray consortium, a new poll has shown that public support for the media war has dropped to its lowest point ever.

Peace talks between the Blu-Ray coalition and the HD-DVD consortium fell apart two months ago after the Blu-Ray coalition refused to provide technical support until after the HD-DVD consortium renounced its physical media standard and rejoined the media non-proliferation treaty.

War protesters led by a mother whose son had purchased four movies on the Sony PSP UMD format before realizing that there was no way to show them on an actual television tried to converge on Sony’s headquarters before discovering that the headquarters are in an undisclosed location. Further, Bryon Jensen, leader of the Amiga Martyrs Brigade has announced that his group will not provide driver support for HD-DVD in any Amiga emulator.