SlashNOT

Matthew writes: According to the BBC, a report by professor Richard Lynn and Dr. Paul Irwing will be published later this year in the British Journal of Psychology stating that although children at age 14 are equal, adult men are, on average, 5 I.Q. Points higher than adult women. The difference widens with higher intelligence: There are twice as many men with an IQ of 125, and nearly six times as many men as women with an IQ of 155.

The paper also argues that at the same IQ, women are more likely to achieve more because they are more conscientious and better adapted to sustained periods of hard work.

When ask how he expected to ever get laid again, Dr. Lynn replied that he’d never been laid in the first place.

Matthew writes: Scientists have recommended reintroducing types of large vertebrates to North America that became largely extinct during the urban renewals of the 1990s.

“Pimps, hoes, junkies, tweakers, and street punks have become extinct across large portions of North America as their habitats of abandoned hotels, peep show theatres and urban warehouses have been slashed and burned in the 1990’s to make way for high-rise condos, retro lamp posts, tony restaurants, and safe, police patrolled streets.”

“East St. Louis is basically the only remaining habitat for many of these large vertebrate species. Think about it: When was the last time you were mugged? It’s likely that your children might never experience a mugging if we don’t act now.”

Paul writes: 9 tips for effective car sale ads:

Each of these tips have been carefully culled from fine examples of automobile for-sale ads here on Craigslist. Feel free to consult them when writing your own…

1. In your ad title, don’t list the make, or model, or possibly the year of the car you are selling. Buyers don’t necessarily need to know this up front and the intrigue draws them into reading the ad.

2. In the description, omit the color, transmission type, major options, or especially the mileage. If a buyer was interested, she won’t mind taking the time to send you email to find out, and the emotional rapport you’ll subsequently develop will make her more likely to buy your car.

3. Take pictures, because pictures help sell cars. But take them at night.

Or even inside your garage with a small flash. This gives the pictures a bold, unique look, and the effect helps enhance the mystique of your vehicle.

4. WRITE DESCRIPTION ALL CAP FOR EMPHASIS. CLOSE PAY ATTENTION TO GRAMMAR POSITIVE FOR BUYER’S PERCEPTION OF YOU AND YOUR VEHICLE.

5. Clearly state how much you paid for it five years ago new, or used, or how much money you’ve had to put into repairs (but there’s no need to waste space listing the actual work done). This information is critical to helping a prospective buyer to determine its current value.

6. Add many keywords to your ad. Though they may not have anything to do with the car you are selling, they make it more likely to appear in search results. There is some chance that someone desiring an S2000 will instead buy your lowered Civic.

7. There’s no need to mention if the car has been in an accident or has any other title blemish. You will in time find a cash buyer who has never heard of CARFAX.

8. Include phrases such as “my loss is your gain,” “I hate to part with it,” “nicest car around,” or any explanation about why you are selling it that includes your wife. These build empathy with a prospective buyer.

9. Wax rhapsodic about how 125K miles is still young for any car other than a Mercedes.

Matthew writes: In a test case with ramifications for wusses throughout the nation, Burlington Northern & Santa Fe Railroad has been secretly running unproven genetic tests on its workers to prove that the employees are genetic wusses, thus relieving the company from responsibility for their myriad symptoms.

Donald Mingus, a spokesman for the American Hypocondrial Society (AHS), described the campaign. “We’ve got numerous members at BNSF who’ve been permanently disfigured by Carpal Tunnel, Sick Building Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Florescent Lighting effected Migraine Syndrome (FLeMS), and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). While the cause, source, or even diagnosis is rarely provable, I’ve got reams of anecdotal evidence that shows that employers must be responsible.”

“Furthermore, we’re absolutely opposed to any sort of testing which might result in a negative diagnosis of our member’s ailments.”

“We want BNSF to stand up, take responsibility, and provide the magnetic therapy, gel-filled wrist rests, flat panel monitors with EMF shields, and healthy back office chairs that our members so desperately need.

Matthew writes: Microsoft has announced that after a two-year search for two letters cooler than X and P they have given up in failure.

“We looked at every possible permutation, except FU and PU. None of them, not one, was cooler than XP. After exhausting the two-letter space, we went to three letters, considering names like GTO, FZR, and NRG. But in the end, we realized that the effort was futile. XP was simply too cool, too much the zeitgeist of 2003, to ever be out-cooled.”

“Once we realized that cool was off the table, we decided to go for a name as mamby pamby as we could—as sort of joke. So we said ‘to hell with it. Let’s name it after Windy Vista Lane’, which is in Albuquerque near Microsoft’s original office.”

“I mean, let’s face it: We could call it ‘Windows Crap’ and you idiots would buy it.”

Matthew writes: The latest UK census has revealed that tens of thousands of Registered Jedi have been converting to the Religion of The Lords of Cobol.

Marvin Bottle, aka Cdr. Frank “Toaster Count” Boomer of Gold Viper Squadron of the Battlestar Pegasus (Birmingham), explains:

“The scriptures speak of a time when the followers of The Force would follow the Arrow of Apollo to the tomb of Athena, as is foretold in the Episodes of Scifithius. The Council of the Twelve now provide guidance for new converts, as opposed to the Jedi Council, which, as you know, has now been destroyed by the war in the heavens.”

Census takers have been provided with DVDs of the complete 1st Season as part of their sensitivity training.