SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Emissaries from 2003UB313, the planet-sized rocky body orbiting the Sun beyond the orbit of Pluto, have formally demanded planetary status.

Fulgak, 5th most dignified of the Ulkuk Hegemony, traveled to earth via a mysterious space ray from the newly discovered planet mere days after the announced discovery of the planet on Thursday.

“We have monitored your planet’s radio frequency transmissions since they began emitting approximately one quarter orbit ago. When we learned that you had detected us, I was dispatched by their most dignified of the Ulkuk Hegemony to present you with our list of demands.

First, we demand to be considered a Planet, and that said planet be named Ulkuk.

Second, we demand 50% of your planet’s current production of Peanut Butter, and you will never inquire as to the reason for this request.

Third, we demand that you immediately begin production of new Baywatch episodes staring Pamela Anderson. We will provide technology to assist your already noble efforts to prevent her from aging.

“You have two Earth revolutions to comply.”

Me writes: Scientists have developed a new way to prevent the elderly from falling - shocking them. Dr. Owen Lift of the prestigious Kevorkian University describes this amazing technique.

“You see”, explains Dr. Lift, “Too often, our elderly parents suffer painful falls. It is a part of their diminished ability to maintain balance. This can often result in lengthy hospital stays, followed by rehabilitation in nursing homes. This is very costly, and reduces their resources that could be passed down to their offspring. This is what motivated me to develop this ankle bracelet.”

Dr. Lift proceeded to show me one of the ankle bracelets attached to a car battery. “This”, he described, “is the culminaton of months of research. When the patient begins to topple over, a small charge is sent through the bracelet, into the ankle, which in turn, sends a message to the brain. The patient then knows to correct his or her orientation to prevent falling. If the patient does not correct, the voltage is gradually increased based upon the vertical angle of the patient. Larger voltages are sometimes needed to get their attention, them being old and all.”

I asked Dr. Lift if this was safe. Dr. Lift guffawed, “Of course it is safe! I wouldn’t be using my own mother to test if it were not safe.” He then continued, “And on top of it, I offer this guarantee to any buyers: If you use this product, and your parents suffer debilitating injury resulting in savings draining hospital stays, you get your money back.”

I then asked about what happens when Mom or Dad goes to sleep at night. “She’ll find out….” he said with a mysterious grin, “she’ll find out…”

Matthew writes: Scientists have announced that they have been able to stop and reverse progressive memory loss in IOGear USB Memory Mice 800’s. The IOGear mice, which feature a scroll-wheel mouse with a zip-linq retractable cord and up to 256MB of flash memory were specially designed to have progressive memory loss. By using specially designed software to double and triple overwrite data to the same memory locations, memory areas that failed on typical single write operations eventually did store the correct information.

Scientists have cautioned that results in lab mice do not always translate to USB Humans.

Matthew writes: Japanese police have discovered a Tamagotchi mass grave outside Osaka Japan in the back yard of an unassuming elementary school teacher.

Keiko Takahashi, 24, is being held on suspicion of negligent homicide in the deaths of hundreds of Tamagotchi digital pets, which were found buried in simple cardboard boxes in her back yard. Investigators have revealed that Ms. Takahashi was a participant in a massive international Tamagotchi slave trade ring, and that it was her participation in an online forum dedicated to the trade of Tamagotchis that led them to her house.

Fourteen neglected Tomagotchis were found still alive, and one Tomagotchi was found in good condition, apparently having been favored as her current pet project.

Mearzuh writes: We have some sad news to report to you today, coming from the great country of Turkey. It looks like there has been over 450 sheep that have lost their lives today in what seems to have been a mass-suicide pact amongst the animals. It was just one, at the beginning, that jumped off the cliff. Soon, 449 followed blindly. It is now believed that they could not handle a life of daily grazing and “maaah”’s.

Eye-witnesses describe the scene as a very fluffy pile of pillowy white at the bottom of the cliff. One eye-witness recalls, “There were 1500 sheep total. After the 450 jumped off and died, the rest of them followed, but bounced off the dead ones and so stayed alive. ‘Twas an amusing sight actually, bouncin’ sheep. Hehehe. But I didn’t see all of them bounce. I dozed off after counting 100 sheep.” There were an estimated $ 100,000 worth of damages made during this act.

Matthew writes: Linux and open source users are breathing a sigh of relief today after the EU has voted down software patents, thus eliminating the annoying home page software patent protest pages that end users would have to click through to get to the meat of a website.

Sites such as knoppix.com will now be free to remove their threats that they will shut down if software patents prevail, as soon as the site maintainers get the good news.

Matthew writes: NASA’s successful Deep Impact mission to strike comet Tempel 1 with an impactor spacecraft has successfully changed the agency’s fortunes going forward.

The space agency, which has been consulting with astrologists since the crash of the Columbia, has improved its chances of a successful return to flight by altering the path of Tempel 1.

Deep Impact project manager Rick Grammier explains: “As Tempel 1 moved through the house of Virgo, it cast a less-than-fortuitous aura over the return-to-flight mission. After much consultation with our astrologers, we discovered that a slight 1.5 degree change in declination as it swung around the sun would dramatically improve the astrological auspices for the mission. So we faked up some science we could do at the same time and initiated the Deep Impact mission.”

To improve fortunes for the subsequent shuttle flights, NASA will attempt to change the orbit of the asteroid 1950DA by 0.03 degrees using nuclear warheads in a mission code named Armageddon.