SlashNOT

StarBird writes:

Tululah, Ohio: At the recent tri-annual conference of the American National Association of Foil Hats Against Mind Rays (ANAFHAMR), incorporating Alien Abductees United (AAU) and Fathers Against Bugs (FAB), CIA Public Relations Director B. Randon Messersmith 3rd told delegates categorically that there were no mind control chips for the general population being developed as had been widely feared.

“Although only small electrical charges are needed to stimulate the brain, that is not the whole story,” says Messersmith. “To change the average American mind on anything would require the voltage of a small car battery. And because of the size and weight issues involved, that is just not practical.”

Matthew writes: Michael Moncur, CEO of Starlingtech, Editor and CTO of SlashNOT, Optimist Prime at figby.com, and Editor of quotationspage.com, has been tapped to replace Carly Fiorina as CEO of HP.

In a surprise move, the HP board moved quickly to replace Ms. Fiorina after the company suffered lackluster performance following its acquisition of Compaq. Stating that Mr. Moncur’s combination of business experience, technical expertise, extremely low salary requirements, and sense of humor made him the perfect replacement for the glamorous yet completely unfunny Ms. Fiorina. The difference between their salaries will dramatically improve HP’s bottom line in the coming year.

As his first move, Mr. Moncur has announced a general apology to the public for some of HP’s missteps during Ms. Fiorina’s time at the top.

“Firstly, I’d like to apologize for HP’s entire line of laptops. I’d like to apologize for the cancellation of the Alpha microprocessor, and for the fact that HP printers never really line up with Avery labels or feed the paper straight. Finally, I’d like to apologize for having spun off the test equipment division that made this company great and giving it such a stupid name. If you thought spinning off the test equipment division and buying Compaq looked like short-sighted attempts to bump up share price at the expense of long-term strength, you’re right, and I apologize for that too. From now on, we’re going to do things the HP way.”

MZ writes: When Mike Ferguson absentmindedly pulled his iPod out of his pocket during a weekly team meeting for the Microsoft Project group, his boss went into convulsions, thus saving the group from a four-hour recanting of the litany of milestones that were relevant to almost no one there. Later that day, in the offices of Microsoft Press, Assistant editor July Nordom dropped her iPod shuffle onto the foot of senior vice president Nancy Newmar, immediately burning a shuffle-shaped hole onto her nubuck pumps and sending the V.P. to the hospital for burn treatment. Lucas Warner was able to effectively drown out the shouts of development team leader Brian Garder using his trademark white iPod earbuds after failing to debug fully before checking code back into the repository. To stem the tide of iPod related injuries, Microsoft cited these examples when it banned the iPod from its campus, forcing users to go without music or use a Windows Media player instead.

DiabolicAl writes: OSDN SERVER ROOM– The wartorn realm of journalistic relevance experienced further upheaval this morning when the internet address once known as “digital Nerdvana” suffered a content crash. Famed bastion of integrity SlashDot was rendered completely unuseful when alleged superuser and self-proclaimed Aeka groupie CmdrTaco approved the submission “North Korea Admits to Having Nuclear Weapons“. The alleged news item somehow flipped the stupid bit on every 30 year old virgin/cyborg in the Northern Hemisphere, and when the dust cleared, the carnage was unmistakable. Page after page of half-baked ideas, unsolicited opinions, and unintelligible sonnets on Natalie Portman littered the screen. “I logged in to submit a request for someone to do my work for me and proceeded to the front page” said one culprit, Milton, who declined to give his full name for fear that his mom would kick him out of her basement for interrupting his job search. “The top item said something about North Korea. All of a sudden I felt strangely drawn to completely reveal my utter ignorance of world affairs by posting a 3 page rant. I guess the moderators scrolled down to the “Click here to read more” link, threw up their hands, and modded me +5.”

Chaos reigned as the user-submission interface was brought forcibly to its knees and made to textually gratify Earth’s most repellent sect, after which it vomited into its own angst-riddled self-absorbed journals that no one of importance holds in any regard. “In my daily search for pure and untainted enlightenment, I am usually satisfied by the first post” remarked corporate cash hemmorage Johnny Bangmouse. “I was completely caught offguard, just like when my wife called after her 3 month vacation alone in Jamaica to tell me we were through.” The discussion degenerated at the second level of thread, an unprecedented but not unpredictable speed. “As soon as the topic hit the front page, I googled the word ‘Nazi’ on it” said professional SlashDot monitor and unemployed telephone support technician Joe L00zer. “I had hits before the 100 post mark.”

When asked why he grabbed the red phone, CmdrTaco grinned. “I got sick of seeing JonKatz’s name in the Hall of Fame” he said. “Everyone complains that every poster except himself is a troll, but they’re missing the point. There is one troll to rule them all, one very big troll, and his name parses like HmdrWacko.” CmdrTaco waved off further queries, claiming he had to do “fail his saving throw versus Bigby’s Clenched Fist of Pleasure”.

No numbered SlashDot users contributed to this report.

matthew writes: Police in New Jersey have announced that they have arrested New Jersey pizza deliveryman and on-line fanfic website operator Hal Jordan for shining a green laser into the cockpit of aircraft.

Wearing a green and yellow spandex costume and ranting insanely (and in the third person) that “Parallax used Hal’s ring to take over his mind at his weakest moment. So Parallax has remained in Hal influencing and controlling him. Even the Spectre is not powerful enough to stop it. Parallax takes over the Spectre and Hal’s spirit.”

“Stop! Agent’s of Spectre are flying that craft! I must stop them before the Sun-Eater returns! Stop!”

Matthew writes: As with most games, the recently released Doom3 board game has become the subject of intense hacking activity.

The first handful of hacks announced are a desk-lamp hack, which is virtually required to make the game playable after about 6:00 p.m, and the carddeck clip-size hack which increases the number of cards available to players by merging components from two copies of the game. Other major hacks are the WWII green army men hack, the introduction of a new supreme enemy “Winky the Cat”, and the rubber-band gun uberweapon.

Players have also noted that the game is being intensely traded on the notorious crapsharing site ebay.com.

To: whomever@NOSPAMyahoo.com
CC: everyone@NOSPAMaol.com
Subj: SlashNOT is not your blog

Please stop posting your self absorbed, pedantic, bathetic, observations about other sef-absorbed pedantic bathetic people in your trivial life here. They won’t get posted. Slashnot is moderated—only content that is “actually funny” gets through. We all have coworkers that suck, mothers that smother, fathers that ignore, cats that die, lego creations that we think are the coolest thing ever (okay, maybe that’s just me), observations about how nobody else seems to really understand database normalization deeply, and our own bizarre shell scripting language preferences, and the realization that high-tech Japanese toilets reveal that an entire culture can be more than a little anally obsessed. But no matter how life-altering those observations are to you, they’re just whiney, unimaginative, pedestrian observations that literally everyone else has. So go get an account on blogger or livejournal and post your crap there for nobody to read.

P.S. Click Continue to read the submission that prompted this rant. Read the rest of this entry »