SlashNOT

Matthew writes:

I’ve been writing SlashNOT for three years now. I really like SlashNOT. But I swear, if you don’t donate a dollar to SlashNOT, I will eat it. You can see how funny and satirical SlashNOT is. Don’t you want to help save SlashNOT?

I’ve got a bunch of recipes picked out, including Hassenslashnot, SlashNOT under tooled leather with an Orange glace, A nice SlashNOT zuppa, and SlashNOT with fava beans. I haven’t decided which recipe I’m going to use yet, but on June 30th, if I haven’t gotten $ 50,000 in donations then I’m going to eat SlashNOT.

Some of you might be saying “How can he eat SlashNOT? SlashNOT is a website.” Yes, it’s true that SlashNOT has no physical manifestation. I don’t actually even know where the server that hosts it is, other than that its somewhere in Virginia which is like 3,000 miles away from me. So I’m going to print out the entire site and eat it if you don’t donate one dollar to saving me from eating SlashNOT.

Seth writes: Radio personality and celebrated buffoon Howard Stern was asked to disrobe in front of an FCC review board in order to have his license renewed for future broadcasts with XM radio promoters. “Come on Howard, show us what you got under those tight leather pants.” Said review board chairman Dean Fannerly. ” You want that license, right?” Stern was hesitant at first, but felt that he lacked the power and upward mobility to say no to the nine-group panel. “Alright, but my girlfriend will be so pissed off.” Said Stern. The board agreed to grant an extension on Stern’s license since he was “such a good sport.” However Marie Cunnings did make sure to let Stern know that because of his face and genitals, he would never make it in Playgirl Magazine.

Misanthrope writes: A widespread name virus afflicting many security software products has been detected and appears to be spreading. Tentatively dubbed “Soundalike.9,” the virus infects through the use of word ‘App’ in security product names. Researchers at the SANS Institute believe that it may have reached a critical mass which would threaten to destabilize the security software industry.

“Off the top of my head I’ve seen AppShield,AppWall, AppFire, AppWatch and AppProtect, AppSecure, AppGuard, AppDefend, and AppArmor infected with it,” said a vulnerability engineer who works under the alias Primal Malice. “I don’t know who wrote the virus but it’s quite a broad compromise.”

Some security professionals dismiss the virus threat. “It’s possible that this was intentional move by some of these vendors,” observed security engineer Raven Alder. “It’s a typical kind of security-through-obscurity tactic to hide among other similarly named products.” When asked about the name spoofing risks she replied: “This is just like the Active– and Open– outbreaks we had five and three years ago. Next year, every applicatoin is going to be Live–”

Joan of Boston writes: A virus coming from an fbi.gov address is being spread through spam. They say that the recipient has accessed illegal websites, and that their Internet use has been monitored by the FBI’s “Internet Fraud Complaint Center”. The FBI uses those quotes to make us think that that they don’t actually have such a center. Clever, FBI guys. I salute you.

The messages then direct recipients to open a message and answer questions. The computer “virus” is in the attachment. Or maybe it’s a keystroke logger designed to monitor your computer usage. Ingenious, FBI guys, you have my admiration.

The FBI “claims” that they don’t “engage” in the “practice” of “sending” “unsolicited” e-mails to the “public” in this “manner”.

Brilliant ruse, FBI guys. Blatant, simple, and brilliant. You are masters of subterfuge.

Matthew writes: Careless scientists, driven mad by their thirst for knowledge, have accidentally resurrected an ancient evil, thought frozen for all time, by drilling and melting arctic ice cores.

32,000 years ago, otherwise normal bacteria were frozen to death in the arctic wastes as the Earth plunged into a new ice age brought on by the hoary rites of the now extinct Ancient Ones. These self-same bacteria were recently re-animated in the laboratories of NASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center.

The zombie bacteria immediately began swimming and vibrating in a pattern that when amplified acoustically gave voice to an eerie cry: “neurons� neurons�”

Misanthrope writes: The recent allegations of Mars harboring a frozen underground sea has prompted new speculation of illegal file trading on Mars. “What else is the planet hiding?” asked Neil Turkewitz, the RIAA international executive vice president. “Where there is the potential for life, there is the potential for piracy.” When asked to name a Martian filesharing site, Turkewitz declined, citing a policy on pending cases.

“The RIAA is continuing its international public relations campaign against a very odd target,” said Princeton Professor Edward Felton, a noted critic of law and technology. “They’ve interpreted Russian overtures against Allofmp3.com before the US-Russian summit as a precedent for interplanetary enforcement.”

NASA officials cautioned against confusing Mars with the similar-sounding planet Mongo and its infamous despot and P2P network hobbyist, Ming The Merciless.

Martian officials were unavailable for comment.

Matthew writes: Over the weekend, a computer used to synchronize with Paris Hilton’s ubiquitous T-Mobile Sidekick was hacked, and lurid bits of data were posted to the infamous hacker website GorillaMask.net.

The phone numbers of many A-list celebrities like Fred Durst, Lindsey Lohan, Christina Aguilera, Ashlee Simpson, Ashley Olsen, and Eminem have been forced to change their phone numbers.

Among the websites listed in her browser favorites was www.SlashNOT.com, which has resulted in a 10-fold increase in traffic over the past few days as SlashNOT’s server valiantly struggles with the page-requests of fame mongers rushing to ogle the details of Ms. Hilton’s daily routine.

We apologize for any inconvenience to our regular readers incurred, but we have elected not to change our domain name to avoid the traffic.

daan writes: Two former caretakers of Koko the Gorilla have sued their former Boss for sexual harassment.

Claiming they were pressured to expose their breasts as a way of bonding with the 300lb. Gorilla, the pair say they were fired for failing to indulge the Gorilla’s fetishes.

Speaking through an Interpreter, Koko apparently denied the claims

“Ball pretty cookie, Potato sandwich. Kitten Michael peaches—chair. Tired like happy nipples, no sleeping purple sun!”

The pair are seeking damages totaling more than million. If she loses, Koko’s Gorilla Foundation faces a major decline in charitable donations.

matthew writes: d00d—1 no u 41n7 g3771ng 411 up 1n ur x1dz gr1|_|_ 4b0u7 0nL1n3, bu7 fac3 1t—u d4 p4r3n7 �n- 1tz ur j0b 2 x33p d4 pr0n3rz 0ff th3m.

50 j00 g0nn4 n33d 0n “grammar” �n- “spelling”—4 c0mb1n4t10n uv c0rr3ct L1ng0 d351gn3d 70 s3cur3 IM �n- 3m41L fr0m j00.

x3y . 4 Grammar:

l3773rs �r- l3773rs. 4 x4mpl3, l337 = “leet”

n0 l337. 4 x4mpl3, 1337 = “elite”

5p3LL1ng = d1c710n4ry. 4 x4mpl3, j00 = “You”, n00b = “New User”, m4d 5×1LLz = “Exceptional Talents”, kewl = “Cool”.

ru13z o “grammar” �r- 0b3yd. 4 x4mpl3, “I am planning to illegally exploit the computers of random unknown strangers who have not applied the latest security patches tonight so as to create a distributed network from which I might perpetrate a denial of service attack against the Motion Picture Association of America.” 1nst34d of “g0t t0 g3t m4d z0mbi3z 0ff n00bs 2 DOS MPAA.”

Matthew writes: Alan Firth, an aficionado of Risk, parker brother’s board game of world domination, revealed his puzzlement at the history of the real world.

“When you look at history, and then you model national power dynamics using Risk, it’s exceptionally difficult to understand how Western Europe came to dominate the world colonially in the 18th and 19th centuries. Anyone who has ever played Risk and attempted a European power base just gets destroyed immediately. By any normal assessment, it should be Australia, or maybe South America that would eventually dominate the world.”�

Brian Gilbert, a competitor at the Risk nationals, disagreed. “Firth’s study of the problem mistakenly assumes that a single player is attempting to spread influence from a unified Europe, which does not accurately model the history. If three or four players stacked all their armies in Europe at the beginning of the game, you’d see that rather than going head to head immediately, they would first attempt to gain continents elsewhere, such as North and South America, Africa, Asia, and Australia. Only after they had split up the relatively unprotected continents in order to gain armies and cards would they go head to head in Europe. The resulting destruction would allow other marginalized players to re-conquer lost territories outside of Europe while the dominant player in Europe struggled to unify it in order to reclaim some of it’s lost power before the end-game–which is exactly what you see happening now.”

“It’s simple, really. Alan is just not that good of a player.”