SlashNOT

Matthew writes: A new study of high profile failures of expensive software projects has definitively linked the name of the project with the probability of failure.

“The loftier the project name, the more likely it is to fail.” Says study lead Dr. Johan Grauss. “Cases in point: FBI’s “Carnivore” project that was to provide the ability to search through Internet traffic for signs of terrorism, Ford Motor Company’s “Everest” supply chain management software that was to standardize acquisitions across the company, and McDonald’s “Innovate” initiative to provide detailed control and reporting of all franchise operating parameters—All three of these initiatives failed and were cancelled after burning through hundreds of millions of development dollars.”

“We have positively correlated the loftiness of the name with a desire to sell upper management on nebulous and over-reaching project goals that will never meet the hyped up expectations created by the project’s proponents. To avoid these problems, we suggest giving your project more attainable names, such as ‘Herbivore’, ‘Death Valley’, and ‘Mimic’.”

Matthew writes: After ABC news reported that 82% of adult web searchers cannot distinguish actual search results from placed ads, Altavista has announced that it is converting to an ads-only format.

“Man, we’ve been beating ourselves up for years trying to catch up to Google’s search technology! What a waste of time that was, when all we needed to do was deliver ads by keyword. To hell with crawling the web for pages, that takes actual work! We’re just going to over-sell ad keywords and turn Altavista into an ad-search service. Sure, we’ll piss off the smartest 18% of searchers, but I think we can live with 82% of the market and 100% monetization of all searches.

Another survey indicated that 92% of people feel confident in their searching abilities, while the remaining 8% smelled themselves and fell off of a tree branch when questioned.

Matthew writes: iRobot, makers of the Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner, as well as military pack robots, has developed a military version of the popular device.

Dubbed “Boomba”, the device is essentially a ruggedized Roomba that is designed to clear minefields. Replacing the “small, medium, and large” buttons are similar “Checkpoint, Roadside, Intersection” buttons, along with a “Convoy” mode that clears a path going forward at a walking pace.

“We have big hopes for Boomba,” says iRobot CEO Colin Angle, “With the way the world is going and the fact that Boomba is, for all intents and purposes, a single use device, Boomba could easily outsell Roomba.”

Boomba also supports iRobot’s new swarm mode, utilizing the SwarmOS operating system, to clear a minefield in a matter of minutes, as well as scare the bejesus out of anyone who sees them coming. “There is an effective psychological warfare component to swarm mode,” says Mr. Angle, “I’ve saw it in prototype two weeks ago, and I still can’t sleep.”

Mearzuh writes: In a recent report from the Pentagon, it was unveiled that it was working on creating weapons that used aphrodisiacs, which when used “would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a ‘distasteful but completely non-lethal’ blow to morale, the proposal says”. This would allow them to engage in homosexual behavior and sodomy, which the US troops can use to their advantage somehow. “This would further ease the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy currently imposed on US troops. After what they would see their enemies engage in, they would surely not ask or tell anyone about it”, a spokesperson said.

Matthew writes: Under siege from spyware—a malignant new breed of software that exploit security vulnerabilities in Internet Explorer in order to install them selves, track user behavior, and provide access to hackers—Microsoft has announced that it is providing free anti-spyware software for Windows.

The software, dubbed “Macintosh OS X” was developed in cooperation with Apple Computer corporation. Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates explained the software at the recent Consumer Eelectronics Show (CES): “We’ve taken software that Apple had already developed and ported it to the x86 Architecture. By providing a new operating system core that is fundamentally incompatible with software written for Windows, we’ve pulled the rug out from under spyware, virus, and other malware opportunists.”

Mr. Gates also noted that the new software will pose challenges for users. “Security always comes at a cost to usability. In this case, users will have to throw away all of their software, but that’s a small price to pay for security.”

Matthew writes: In keeping with SlashNOT’s tradition of annual prognostication about the coming year, we are proud to present SlashNOT’s Predictions for 2005:

1. “On-Shoring” will be the hot new business practice after companies realize that they can save millions by employing who speak the same languages as their customers.
2. SCO will die. Nobody will notice until business park neighbors smell something.
3. Apple will introduce a Macintosh that costs less than an iPod.
4. Y0ur s1ster wi11 no l0n ger ha ve the p ain, or a 3 .25 % m0rt gage ratE.
5. IBM will acquire Sun, and then “open source” Sun CEO Scott McNeally.
6. Linux will fail to make significant gains on the desktop. Microsoft will spend millions to stop it.
7. Intel will stop talking about the Itanium processor, just the way Uncle Jerry stopped talking about Amway.
8. AMD will grow three shoe sizes in one year.
9. More money will be spent fighting spam than all other potted meats combined.
10. HP will succeed in trademarking the + symbol, and begin charging royalties for it’s use. (+ appears courtesy of HP).
11. Google will realize that it misspelled Googol.