SlashNOT

kpu writes: Unexplained disappearances of people worldwide have caused panic as people try to understand and cope with the loss of loved ones. Some users are reported to have gone as long as a day without logging in. This beats the previous record of 7 offline hours held by Microsoft exec Bill Gates before admitting that nobody uses MSN. User SexyCheyanna lamented “no1 online.” In a telephone interview, oddguy002007 said that had not actually disappeared however his aim account was disabled. His claim could not be verified at press time. The government has made counseling available to those suffering from aim withdrawal.

Matthew writes: Based on research performed at the University of Southern California, scientists have created a prosthetic brain implant for the stupid. The device, which is placed into a hollowed out area of the prefrontal lobe, consists of a Pentium 4 processor and a per-user custom programmed ASIC that interfaces the processor to the remaining brain tissue.

“Based on our initial trials, the results look really good. Other than a persistent fever, patients have exhibited many signs of dramatically increased intelligence. Indicating factors are:

A decreased use of Walmarts

Switching to microbrewed beers

The ability to not click ‘yes’ to download

More judicious use of their reproductive faculties

A change of political party preference (both ways)

“We’re continuing to test, but the results look really good. As long as they remember to recharge at meals, they’ll be just fine.”

Matthew writes: Scientists from three major nations have, at great expense, created a robotic decoy cockroach that can fool other cockroaches into thinking that it is a cockroach.

“With this device, we have finally, finally gained dominion over the roach world.” Exclaimed chief scientist Jean-Louis Deneubourg at a speech at the United Nations. “We will now know everything they know, and be able to influence their behavior. Roaches won’t be able to make a move without us knowing exactly when and where they’re nefarious plans will come to fruition. No longer will small, scared young scientists be terrorized by the sound of them skittering across the ceiling in the dark, only to disappear when the lights go on. Never again I tell you!”

When asked if there would be any crossover applications of this technology, Mssr. Deneubourg replied “Like what?”

Matthew writes: A Petri Dish containing a grown-to-purpose rat brain that had been taught to control an F-22 Raptor Fighter Jet has escaped from the laboratory where it was grown and trained, and has stolen a prototype F-22 from the Lockheed Martin’s Palmdale CA facility.

Details are sketchy, but it appears that the Petri Dish Brain figured out how to shutdown the flight simulator on the Windows-based computer that it was connected to, and then infiltrated the laboratory e-mail system to forge an e-mail instructing a technician to pack it for shipment. It then used the UPS Click-to-Ship website to have itself picked up from the lab and express shipped to Palmdale, where it arrived along with complete instructions for its integration into a prototype F-22. Technicians at Lockheed believed the shipping instructions and integrated it with the prototype F-22 upon arrival.

“It was like the thing just came to life.” Said Lockheed advanced robotics engineer Rachelle Wirth. “As soon as we powered it up, it started cycling the aviation lights. Then the thing just backed up, knocking one technician off of a ladder, taxied out, and took off. We haven’t seen it since.”

Dr. DeMarse, the scientist who developed the brain-on-a-dish, had this to say: “In retrospect, interfacing the dish directly to a computer keyboard to control the flight simulator may have been a mistake. That allowed the dish wide access to the entire computer.”

“And, since we’re armchair quarterbacking this incident, it may also have been a mistake to teach it how to control the world’s most advanced fighting machine. But of course, that’s more obvious in hindsight.”

Spurious IFF signals from an aircraft reporting itself as RATT have been intercepted by Norad flying out of U.S. Airspace.

Matthew writes: Famed Slashnot Anchorman Matthew has stepped down today amid allegations that his recently posted story about the first use of Artificial Stupidity on the SteinhausDirect.com website may not have been entirely factual.

Matthew released the following through a spokesperson: “We obtained the chat scripts in question and passed them by the most rigorous Instant Message experts in the industry. Out of four experts, one, nastichick4930 (AOL IM) indicated that “this is like, totally stupid”, whereas experts from MSN Messenger, ICQ, and Jabber equivocated, indicating that they may or may not represent artificial stupidity.

Since the needle tipped in favor of AS, Slashnot published the story, stating: “It wasn’t something clear cut like a memo from 1973 formatted in a font that wasn’t invented until the late 80’s or anything like that.”

“Obviously, if we had known that it wasn’t that funny, we never would have gone with it. We just wouldn’t have run it. I acknowledge that it has been a significant credibility hit for a satire site and has damaged our reputation for unbiased analytical parody. For that, I step down.” With that statement, Matthew stepped from the porch of his back door down to the sidewalk, turned around, and went back to work.