SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Hardcore gamers have found a hack for Doom3 that enables true “ultra mode” processing at 1600×1200 pixels with all video enhancements on, but the mode requires more processing power than even a water-cooled over-clocked nVidia 6800 ultra can deliver. Fortunately, gamers have found a heat-sink capable of handling the load: The human body.

To perform the mod, connect an intravenous catheter to the water block of your video adapter’s chipset cooler (be sure to completely drain the coolant). Don’t worry about connecting the water pump—your heart will do the pumping. You’ll draw in heated blood from the chipset and provide cooled body temperature blood to it. The heated blood causes an increase in body temperature (feels like a fever) that causes profuse sweating, which subsequently lowers body temperature. Essentially, your entire body is turned into a heat sink for the video processor. Use a hurricane fan to cool your body or play in an air-conditioned room, and drink plenty of fluids.

Players average a body temperature of about 102 degrees while playing. It’s especially important to monitor body temperature closely however, as temperatures above 103F for extended periods can cause brain damage, and there have been reports of players becoming comatose or entering into a zombie-like state due to heat stroke.

Matthew writes: Scientists have discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting the star mu-Arae in the southern constellation of Altar.

“It is the smallest extra-solar planet yet discovered” said French astronomer Francois Bouchy. “It appears to be rocky, with a gaseous atmosphere similar to Earth.”

“The planet appears to be inhabited by an intelligent race of humanoids who are subservient to a giant central computer disguised as a giant stone idol. They live in peace in an idyllic environment, and provide food offerings to the idol to sustain its fusion reaction.”

The EU has begun planning a mission, estimated to require 200-odd years of development effort and five years to complete, to contact the species, destroy the idol, and return the race to the more natural cycle of warfare, environmental decay, and dehumanizing technological progress.

Jeremy Camp writes: OAK BROOK, IL (August 19, 2004) — McDonald’s Corporation, in an attempt to cut costs and boost profits, has introduced a new order taking system in all of it’s U.S. locations.

The new system relies on order takers from a phone center based in India. Customers who drive to the menu at the drive through will be connected to an operator in India who will take the customer’s order and send the information to the store location for fulfillment.

“Customers can expect the same friendly service they’ve received in the past, only from operators in India rather than local store employees,” says Mike Roberts, CEO, McDonald’s USA. “We are proud to contribute to the global economy by improving our bottom line while providing those in India with solid employment.”

Several thousand U.S. employees will be laid off or moved into other positions over the next few months as the transition is made. Most of those being laid off are high school students and retirees, who “can count on their parents or social security for income,” said Roberts.

McDonald’s is the world’s leading global food service retailer with more than 30,000 restaurants serving nearly 47 million people in more than 100 countries each day. Approximately 80 percent of McDonald’s restaurants worldwide are owned and operated by independent, local businessmen and women.

Mearzuh writes: In the fuzzy animal triathlon at the Olympic games in Athens, a bunny has been disqualified from the Olympic games and stripped of his gold medal last night.

Sources say that his particular bunny had been on Energizer batteries during the competiton which they believe aided him in getting the medal.

Energizer batteries had been banned from Olympic competitons due to the stimulation they produce in fuzzy animal athletes. Say the fellow competitors, “He just kept going, and going, and going…”

Matthew writes: Kodak is jumping into the digital photo organization and retouching market with it’s “You 2.0″ Photo retouching software. “We’re going way beyond the red-eye reducers and blemish erasers you get in Apple and Adobe’s products. Check out our list of features:”

Matthew writes: Editor’s Note: Stories in the “True Stories” category are factual.

Microsoft has announced the release of a starter version of Windows XP for the piracy-infested southeast Asia region called Windows XPSE. XPSE, retailed for about $ 35 dollars (vs. $ 4 for a pirated copy of XP Pro) has the following features designed to woo consumers away from piracy:

1. A limit of three running applications at one time.
2. A limit of three windows per application
3. No windows networking support
4. No significant ability to change default settings
5. Few of XP’s built-in applications.
Gartner Group principle analyst Martin Gilliland states: “We’ve recommended, basically, that nobody buy these. [The product] has no value for anybody as this stands.”

krudz writes: Robotics technology newcomer robotechsoft informed us today that Project Rollerball has been completed and the new bots are ready for deployment. “These are the first robots to be able to effectively use rollerskates”, announced project leader Craig Winter at a press conference. A complete summary of features was provided, which included:
-Ability to move on both wood and metal surfaces
-Two speed settings (fast and slow)
-Limited support for slopes (3-4 degrees, downwards only)
-8-10 hour battery life for extended sessions
-AM radio tuner
-Nothing else
When asked “Why not just give it wheels?”, he replied with “Well, yeah.” and had to leave on an urgent call.

Matthew writes: Salt Lake area High School Junior Martin Steck graduated from geekdom to dorkdom last Friday when he recounted his expoits while playing the World War II themed first-person shooter “Call of Duty” as if they had actually happened to him during class.

“Man, it was so damned cool. So I’m playing Russian Junior Sergant Alexi Voronin during the siege of Stalingrad, you know, that battle that the movie “Enemy at the Gate” is based on? Anyway, I was holed up in this bombed out apartment complex awaiting re-enforcements. Jerries were coming out of the woodwork, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to make it, when I hit on the idea of hiding in the bathroom. I could hear the screams of my comrades being dispatched, but the Germans couldn’t find me until I stepped out and then back in. But man, they were on me like roaches after that. I backed up into the bathroom and just started unloading with an MP40 I’d taken off of a German officer two floors down. Bodies were piling up like you wouldn’t believe. I was grabbing medpacks and ammunition off the dead bodies to kill the new ones coming in! Anyway, after killing about twelve of them, they stopped coming. I ventured out, and it turned out that I’d cleared the entire apartment complex! Sadly, I was the only Russian left, but hey, it was a brilliant strategy.”

Former close friend Alan “The Roach” Roche lamented the loss. “I just couldn’t hang out with him in good conscience after that. I guess he doesn’t realize that the game plays the same way for everyone or something, or that the cool kids don’t play first-person shooters and wouldn’t understand his visceral reaction he had, or what visceral even means. Maybe he’d never seen a first-person shooter before. I don’t know. But I can’t be stigmatized any more than I already am by hanging out with that much of a dork.”

Matthew writes: Hormel has started a PR blitz to announce that the new virus spreading through spam refers to unsolicited commercial e-mail spreading a computer virus, not their canned meat product spreading a biological virus.

“We let it slide when geeks started referring to unsolicited commercial e-mail as spam, but when news sources like MSNBC are so unclear as to actually make it seem in their headlines that our product is spreading food borne illness, it’s time to take the gloves off.”

“Nobody actually reads MSNBC articles—you just see the headlines on crawlers at the bottom of the screen and on your pager watch. So we’re officially revoking MSNBC’s right to send unsolicited e-mail and call it spam. From now on, they’re going to have to refer to their spam as UCE—unsolicited commercial e-mail. We didn’t want to have to do it, but we had no choice. Let no one say that we’re not taking all possible measures to protect our valuable trademark.

Matthew writes: In a press release today, Apple today accused Real of not keeping it real. “iPod users don’t want a wide variety of music for their players from different vendors competing to keep prices low, they want whatever music we’re pushing on the iTunes home page. And the music we force-feed them through the new music Tuesdays admail. They want to make absolutely certain that we control the content on their iPods and computers, so that their digital files have a guarantee of quality. The digits in our digitized music have better timbre, vibratto, and warmth—something true audiophiles appreciate and something that Real, despite their name, can’t deliver.”