SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Linspired by Microsoft’s recent 20 million dollar settlement with Lindows, and by a user’s comment on SlashNOT, a San Diego resident has changed his name to “Microsoft Jones.” SlashNOT’s Southwest Asia correspondent Jaffar Lasharesh interviewed Mr. Jones after bumping into him in line at the DMV during the name change process.

Jaffar: (after 30 minutes of abject boredom) “So, what are you in for?”

Kevin: “Name change.”

Jaffar: “Oh, really? Are you getting married?”

Kevin: “No, I’ve just decided that I’m done with Kevin Kalifornia. It’s sooo 90’s. I’ve been meaning to change it for a while but I couldn’t think of anything that said “wartime depression and economic upheaval”. Then I saw a user’s comment on SlashNOT and it hit me with a bang!” (gesticulates indescribably).

Jaffar: “Hey, I’m the Southwest Asia correspondent for SlashNOT! What a funny coincidence.”

Keven: “How nice for you.”

Jaffar: “Ah, yea. So, what are you changing it to?”

Kevin: “Microsoft Jones. I’m going to get them to sue me and lose based on the David Lee Roth vs. Van Halen decision that gives personal names priority over corporate trademarks. Then they’ll pay me to change it to something else like they did with those Lindows geeks.

Jaffar: “Do you think that will work?”

Kevin: “It worked with Matthew Broderick.”

Mearzuh writes: With recent developments sending media mogul Martha Stewart to prison for the next five months, her followers and loyal fans already don’t know what to do with themselves during the hour “Martha Stewart Living” was on every day. Housewives all across the country are panicking claiming their life has no meaning without Martha.
Fans needn’t worry. An official spokesman said yesterday that Martha will have a live webcam setup in her cell which she will use to broadcast her daily show titled “Martha Doing (Things In Her Spare) Time”, replacing “Martha Stewart Living” for a while. She will most likely be using the webcam you see in advertisements all over the web; the one that everyone knows about but nobody wants to buy, in an effort to help that company out as well.
Here is a list of topics planned for the show:

• Decorating concrete
• Creative foods from bread, water, and mashed potatoes
• Excercise options in a 6′x 6′ room
• Decorative window dressings with cigarettes
• Soap carving with your fingernails
• Stainless Steel toilet doilies
• Creative ways of finding customer support for the webcam that is used to transmit the show

With the total change of her career Martha says that she is “not afraid”. She believes that most of her followers won’t notice any difference anyway, except for her change in clothes which will stay mostly orange for the next five months.

sH_ writes: Today researchers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that they have teamed up with LiveJournal to harness the abundant angst that is being generated hourly in massive amounts by LiveJournal’s members.

Scientists believe that angst (or EMO for short) has the ability to solve the imminent energy crisis that will arise from the depletion of the world’s easily accessible oil reserves. According to scientists, a group of about 50 LiveJournal users can generate enough angst to power a large metroplolis almost indefinitely and seemingly without output degradation, provided that they are 12 to 19 years of age.

LiveJournal users could not be officially reached for comment, although a user named “xXDarkRavenXx” was reported to have said “U ALL SUK”, promptly after which he collapsed in a fit of self-loathing which powered the laboratory’s lounge soda machine for a full 2 weeks.

Matthew writes: Submit to SlashNOT! Matthew is on vacation for a few weeks. Without submission from the community, it’s going to get a little stale smelling around here. Last summer Matthew went on vacation and there was a memory leak while he was gone. There were bits all over the address space. Of course nobody was taking care of the garbage collection so the heap was overflowing by the time he got back as well. We’d like things to be in a little better shape when he returns this time, so think of all the chuckles you’ve gotten from SlashNOT and chuck something back. We promise not to be as discerning as usual.