SlashNOT

Matthew writes: A German toddler born four years ago develops twice the muscle mass and half the fat as a normal toddler. He has inherited two defective genes that block the production of myostatin, a protein that interferes with muscle development in Humans.

The two defective genes also serve to block the development of the human isospectral retinoglobin, a protein that expands the spectrum detectible by the eye through the ultraviolet and into the x-ray spectrum, and promotes the production of exodermic keratinase which causes extremely tough skin similar to that of an armadillo. The genes are also suspected factors in the diseases elastioligamentosis (extreme elasticity of the ligaments which allows extreme high jumping and the ability to survive falls from great heights) and chirostrontiotrophy, whose sufferers develop extrememly strong and heavy bones because they absorb strontium (a molecular calcium mimic) rather than true calcium into their bones.

Doctors have been monitoring the German uberkind since birth for signs of ill effects, but so far say that he is developing normally except for his penchant for moving parked vehicles around to confuse their owners.

Matthew writes: Space Ship One, the brainchild of Burt Rutan’s Scaled Composites privately financed spacecraft development company, has soared above the reach of Earth’s Atmosphere into sub-orbital space.

Unlike Spartan NASA spacecraft piloted by astronauts, private spacecraft are not subject to the strict military inspired procedures and function-over-form designs that guide the development of government space vehicles.

Pilot Mike Mellville took a moment away from his cruise into space to address reporters from the cockpit. Resplendit in a Leopard skin sport jacket and sipping a Martini, Mike spoke of the day when passengers would be able to share in the mahogany paneled and shag carpeted finery aboard SpaceShipOne, which just one week earlier had been pimped out by West Coast Customs and featured on MTV’s Pimp My Ride .

“Yeah Baby. These are Crazy times! Just Crazy! Check this out [at which point he spins the martini glass slowly in space and then slurps up the globules of cocktail]. That’s the bomb Baby! Oh, and look—the control monitors play video poker! You Cats have to do this! Oh, and check it out— there’s no drug laws in space players! [at which point he fires up a blunt and takes a long drag]. That’s one small drag for a man, one giant hit for mankind right there. Yeah, it’s so mellow up here, with the stars, and the moon. Oh, and check out this killer moon roof they put in…”

Matthew writes: The Securely Protect Yourself Against Cyber Trespass (SPY-ACT) Act has been passed by the U.S. House Energy and Commerce Committee’s Subcommittee on Commerce, Trade and Consumer Protection on its way to becoming law. This bill’s major predecessor in the arena of cyber-law was the Controlling the Assault of Non-Solicited Pornography and Marketing (CAN-SPAM) Act.

“It’s all about the acronym,” explains Jan Singleton, media relations director for Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA). “Without a good acronym, you’re not going to get the media to take interest in your bill, which means that you’re not going to get the grass-roots letter and e-mail writing campaigns that you need to get representatives to vote your way. We’re currently working on a good name for our latest Cybercrime bill, Stop Those Idiots From Forwarding Ludicrous Email Jokes, OuttaKes, chain Emails, and Such (STIFFLE JOKES).

matthew writes: Responding to Google’s Gmail e-mail service which includes a gigabyte of e-mail storage, Hometown Buffet has announced an “all-you-can-eat” e-mail service with no storage limitations.

“Like spam? Get all you want. We’re not going to put any artificial limits on the amount of spam you’re allowed, like some other services.” Says Hometown buffet general manager Dennis Scott.

When questioned why the famous restaurant chain felt that it had to compete with Google in an entirely new market area, Mr. Scott responded: “We are the thoughtspace leaders in ‘all-you-can- whatever’, and we don’t want to limit the power of this idea to just food. Basically, we’re going to lead in any consumable item that is cheap enough for us to provide on an unlimited basis for a fair price. We’re looking at all-you-can-breath home oxygen services for the disabled, all-you- can-drink water filtration units, an all-you-can-browse internet service, and all-you-can-be military boot camps.

Hayden writes:

Security software developer Kaspersky Labs has reported the world’s first cellular phone virus. An international group, calling themselves 29A, have claimed responsibility for the virus in an effort to show “that people will always exploit security holes for fame.”

The virus has been named Cabir and affects the Symbion operating system through the Bluetooth capabilities on many phones including the Nokia Series 60. Nokia could not be called for comment.

While said to be largely benign, many groups fear that this potential to exploit cellular phones might lead to an increases of unauthorized Subscriber Trunk Dialing, otherwise known as STD calls. Others are concerned that Cabir will jump the species gap and inscribe the word ‘Caribe’ on human cells, though experts label it ‘unlikely’.

Matthew writes: While it’s common knowledge that children in first-world nations are increasingly obese, the effects of overeating on third-world children are not as widely known but just as disastrous. Over-eating is now common in South-East Asia, and Diabetes is about to become the number one childhood disease in the region. Children in the Phillipines, Vietnam, China, and Indonesia nearly match their first world peers in overall girth.

To combat the problem, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is funding a new charity called “Don’t Feed the Children“. The charity will be innovative in that it will provide a “money for food” program, whereby third world families can sell their excess food to the charity. The food is then given to the hungry, if any can be found. The charity is based other capitalism-based giving models pioneered by the foundation. According to Bill Gates, “We’re essentially taking the candy out of the mouths of babes, and giving them cash that they can spend on whatever they want. This preserves dignity in that it doesn’t force our cultural values onto the recipient of giving.”

Sunganatrami Rangesh, a six year old Malaysian boy who weighs in at an impressive 95 pounds, is excited about the program. Slashnot’s South-East Asia correspondent Jaffar Lasharesh asked him how he intended to spend the 16 Ringits he’d earned by turning in his chicken rice bowl, he responded that he would be going to MacDonalds for an ice-cream cone and a coke.

Kevin writes: Hot on the heels of the latest Linux security flaw, which allows users with shell access to crash the computer, another flaw in Microsoft’s Windows XP operating system has been found. Apparently it is possible for anyone to shut down or restart a computer running Windows XP, without even having to log into the computer. With enough patience, even hackers with very little computer skills have been able to render systems unusable for hours simply by repeatedly taking advantage of this exploit. Microsoft is playing down the impact of the flaw, calling it instead a “feature”. A related flaw allows users in physical proximity to any computer running either Windows or Linux to cause a power-input standby exception using an out-of-band attack against the binary power arbitration unit exposed on the computer. Hackers as young as fourteen months of age have been documented exploiting this hack.

Matthew writes: Scientists worldwide have issued an alert that a German border collie named Rico not only has a 200 word vocabulary, but appears to learn language using the same “fast mapping” technique used by humans.

Julia Fischer, from the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany, states: “Through at least 10,000 years of close association with humans, dogs have gained abilities that are known not to exist in their close wild cousins, the wolves. For example, dogs bond well with humans, have an entire portion of their brain dedicated to interpreting human facial expressions, and have acquired the ability to learn language. These adaptations are clearly humanizing these animals through a process known as ‘uplifting’. As time progresses, dogs that mimic humans well will continue to be selected for, creating a feedback loop that will ultimately lead to full unquestioned sentience for canines—and that’s going to happen whether or not we intend it and even if we don’t use genetic engineering to encourage it. The question is, how long will it be before we face a canine uplift rebellion? Will our former companions remember their love for us, or are we doomed to a “Planet of the Apes” scenario? Will their greater ability to fetch overcome their lack of useful fingers and opposable thumbs? Only time will tell.

matthew writes: Louis de Branges de Bourcia, the Edward C. Elliott Distinguished Professor of Mathematics at Purdue’s School of Science, has solved the Riemann Hypothesis, which concerns the distribution of prime numbers and is famed for having eluded a solution since it was hypothesized in 1859.

Clad in his trademark spandex “Proof of the Four Color Supposition” costume of his alter-ego, Professor Mathematical Man, Dr. Branges announced his paper at a press conference at Perdue. The Riemann Hypothesis,

“I, Professor Mathematical Man, have solved the Riemann Hypothesis. You may remember that I also solved the Bieberbach conjecture about 20 years ago. Given good eating habits and barring the onset of Alzheimer’s, my next feats of cogitative potency shall be to solve the long standing Hasse Presumption, the Heidelberg Speculation, the Tate-Shaferevich Assumption, and the Field Suggestion, in that order. Thank you good citizens, my work here is done.”

Mongooseman writes: Sony have strongly denied rumours that the graphical abilities of the PSP have been overstated to help hype the machine.

After the PS2 failed to live up to its stated 395 billion polygons per second capability, Sony have issued an official statement to ease the worries about the same being true of the PSP.

A spokeperson said, “It is true that the PS2 did not quite match the specs we believed it could do. However, we do strongly believe that the PSP is fully capable of everything we have said. Including several newly announced features.”

These included:

• -725 million billion trillion polygons per second
• -Real-time bread toasting
• -200 mile wi-fi range
• -Full solar power running capability
• -Smoke Detector Alarm
• -Built in anti-tank missile guidance system

A Microsoft representative claimed that these figures are only half of the portable Xbox’s capabilities; to which the Sony spokesperson added that the PSP will actually be able to fit in your pocket, rather than just a house.