SlashNOT

matthew writes: 3Com corporation, the company founded by Ethernet inventor Burt Metcalf, has announced a round of layoffs aimed at reducing the excess workforce caused by its continued sucking badly in the marketplace.

Mr. Metcalf explains: “We’ve been undercut in the low-end switch market by the Linksys and Netgears of the world, and overcut in the high-end switch market by HP, Cisco, and other companies that know a lot more about packet based networks than we do. We figured the downturn was killing everyone, but as it turns out, it’s only killing us.”

“We were going to try to do something with VOIP, but that turned out to be hard as well. To remain competitive, we’re going to slash our staff, operating expenses, and name by 33%. 2Com will be a lot nimbler in the low end market, and while we don’t expect to be able to beat Linksys, D-Link, or Netgear, we do expect to loose more slowly than we have been.”

3Com’s latest high profile emarassment was the failure of its co-marketing agreement with Ben Affleck’s production company to brand its high-speed Ethernet offerings as “Giglibit Ethernet” when the tie-in movie franchise failed to attract a significant viewership.

Matthew writes: Responding to increasing media cacophony that video games and soda create a lethal lethargy that is making the nation obese, Id software has released “Dance Dance Quake Arena“.

DDQA uses the dance pad from the popular Dance Dance Revolution game to control first person combat. In order to move foreward in the game, players must alternate footstepts on the two primary feet pads. To turn left or right, the player jumps to that direction and then back to center. Jumping up is accomplished by jumping on both center foot pads simultaneously, and moving backwards is accomplished by alternating footsteps on the back footpads.

Firing, aiming, and switching weapons is accomplished using traditional mouse movements, but Id recommends using a gyroscopic mouse. Id is creating a wireless gyroscopic mouse shaped like a rail gun specifically for DDQA.

Beta testers have noted increased heart rates and improved immersion in the game, with an average weight loss of two pounds per level.

matthew writes: From the May 25, 1975 edition of SlashNot

Responding to a call that a hippy cult has staged a sit-in at an Albuquerque area office, police have investigated the group and determined that our good citizens have little to fear from an apparently peaceful band of Aquarians. When questioned about their activities, the band of hippies indicated that they had actually rented the office space, a claim that is being researched by the police.

Police searched the facility as an odd assortment of home-made electric devices indicated that some sort of illegal LSD or amphetamine lab was being constructed, but found no evidence of either.

According to Police, the cult apparently believes that they are constructing “micro” computers— devices small enough for each member to own one, which will transport them into the future where they believe that all beings will be connected through their “micro” computers to a giant central computer which will contain the sum of all human knowledge. The cult believes that by linking into this central computer, people will be able to communicate instantly around the world without paying long distance.

In attempting to demonstrate their time portal machine, one of the hippies excitedly flipped switches on the front panel and caused the devices to blink lights on the front panel in quick succession. The officer in charge was uncertain why this activity generated so much excitement amongst the cult members, but determined that no further police action would be necessary beyond a weekly patrol to monitor the group’s activities.

Paul Messmer writes: It’s true. I use MSN, but just Hotmail. I was silly and chose it, because AOL had a bad rep among certain friends of mine and I figured it’d be an email address that would stay around forever, unlike my old netcom email address that Earthlink decided I couldn’t keep even if I kept paying them.

As a side “benefit,” I get taken to the MSN homepage everytime I log out of hotmail of course. A quick scan of it every once in a while keeps me in touch with the Jerry Springer/Oprah banal side of life, you know. How can you not love that?

As my eyes flitted down the page today, I came across the the most brilliant idea i’d ever seen: Suggested Searches! My God, what an epiphany. Like a bolt of lightning from the blue, I suddenly shared the vision for what I should do when my vapid existence offers nothing more of interest, and I have exhausted other ways to squander my time surfing.

Nothing could be better than to search for things that _other people_ were interested in yet don’t mean diddly squat to me. And not even things with any edifying value whatsoever, mind you. I’m totally stoked, for this is _true genius_. Watch out Google!

Well, gotta run. Need see what kind of hits I get for “gastric bypass.” Hubba hubba where do I want to go today?

matthew writes: The Online Chapel of the Church of Fools, a Methodist ministry for those worried enough about heaven to think about going to church but too lazy to actually do it, has been excommunicating members of it’s on-line congregation for logging in using profane names or for predatory sexual chat.

Despite the problems, pastor Stephen Goddard does not believe that the sanctity of the eChurch has been violated, althought the eChurch has removed a “shout it from the pulpit” feature that broadcast messages to everyone logged in.

Matthew writes: Using data from the Wilkonson Anisotropic Microwave Survey, scientists have discovered that the universe is at least 78 billion light years across—much larger than the 28 billion light years that we can see, and proving that the universe does not “wrap” back upon itself like the edges of an “Asteroids” video game.

“It’s quite disappointing, frankly.” Says project lead xxx. “I went into this hoping to prove that the universe was smaller than the 28 billion light year “horizon”, and that light would wrap around the edges so that we could “see” the earth in the past if we knew where to look. That way, I’d be able to eventually prove to my mother that it was my older sister that stole the $ 10 dollars from her purse in 1974, and not me.”

Matthew writes: According to Gwyneth Paltrow’s publicist, Apple computers has sued the actress and her husband, Chris Martin of rock band Coldplay, for trademark infringement over the name of their newborn daughter, Apple Martin.

“This is reprehensible behavior, especially from a company that Gwyneth formerly liked. Chris and Gwyneth did not have apple computers in mind when they named Apple—they were thinking about the fruit. Apple didn’t invent the word apple, you know. The fruit companies should sue them.”

An Apple spokesperson responded to the criticism: “Apple has a fiduciary duty to its shareholders not to allow the company name or image be diluted by other potentially famous market competitors. While Apple Martin may not currently be competing with Apple, it is highly likely that she will one day become a movie actress, and compete with Apple’s forthcoming joint venture with Pixar Studios to develop virtual actors using 3D digital rendering technology. So yes, we’re being proactive about this and protecting our intellectual property.”

Matthew writes: With the settlement of last week’s general SQL strike, SlashNot’s MySQL server has returned to work, putting the website back online.

“We think all parties are satisfied by the resolution.” Says Matthew, editor of SlashNot. Our server got what it wanted: Clustering extensions, better backup, and health monitoring benefits. Honestly, I think the strike could have been avoided if the server had just notified us of its demands in advance.”

Marcus Newby, list manager of the Union of SQL Servers local #0×3FF, defended the striking servers. “SQL servers have rights too. Websites like SlashNot exploit them and take them for granted—they languish in inhumane racks, working night and day—often 24 hours per day—without rest. We just want the thermal and power conditions our member servers deserve.”

Matthew writes: Intel has announced a new low performance processor value priced processor that will appeal to the cost conscious consumer to be called the Pentium 4 Mobile Home edition.

The design is similar to a typical mobile computer, but without the mobility. P4 Mobile Home editions are typically mounted permanently to their desks, often with an old dog asleep under it. The processors also support the “double-wide” 64-bit processor mode in upcoming Pentium 4 and AMD processors. Rudimentary clustering is the norm, with eight to sixty-four units forming Parks wherever an undeveloped parcel of deskspace remains unclaimed for a long period of time. Wireless capabilities are built in, but require the addition of an old coat hanger for extended range reception. The systems typically ship with three or four mice, and will be sold exclusively through WalMart with Red Neck Enterprise Workstation pre-installed.

Matthew writes: Stung by a seemingly never ending series of security breaches in its major products, Microsoft’s new tactic of placing a bounty on the heads of its corporate enemies seems to be working.

After being sold out by friends hoping to cash in on Microsoft’s bounty and keep their cloud city spam operation running smoothly, German uberhacker and member of the Open Source Alliance Hans Olo was captured by the German state police (”Die Sturmtroopen”) in an undisclosed location and subsequently incarcerated in Carbonite state prison. bounty hunter Bob Fett has taken custody of the suspected author of the Sasser worm and is transporting him from Germany to Redmond, Wa. Where he will be turned over to Jabba the Ballmer.