SlashNOT

Matthew writes: “I, Roomba”, the upcoming sci-fi thriller suggested by the synonymous novel by Isaac Asimov, follows the exploits of a detective who realizes that the amazingly popular disc-shaped self-propelled vacuums aren’t nearly as innocuous as they seem.

I have to say I was a bit disappointed. The only thing suggested by the novel seems to be the really cool title and the three laws of robotics: Spiral, Bump, and Turn. The plot was reasonable enough (vacuums become ubiquitous by alleviating chores, people begin to trust them, vacuums take over), but it strains credibility to suggest that only one person in the world didn’t trust them. I’m sure Andy Bell wouldn’t have trusted them.

Despite the holes in the plot, the effects are second-to-none. The “swarm mode” scene is a must see—millions of Roombas bump their way out of their homes and converge in the streets, cleaning everything in site. And the killer “suction-time” effect shows the vacuums suctioning individual particles of dirt in slow motion. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen.

Matthew writes: SlashNOT would like to begin posting daily updates—you want more humor, we want more revenue. It’s win/win. Unfortunately, Matthew (our primary writer) has only been pumping out two contributions per week despite switching to a high fiber breakfast cereal.

The solution is for you to submit! When you have a funny impulse that is related to technology, pull up SlashNOT immediately and post your impulse using the “add story” link. While we certainly appreciate polished, well written, and funny stories, Your submission does not need to be polished or well written–funny is all we need. Our cadre of amazingly formulaic humor writers will be happy to steal your idea and write their own take on it. Most people (not you, of course–everyone else) are crappy writers anyway, so don’t feel like you have to write a bunch of stuff that we may cut. Posts may be as simple as “I just noticed that Microsoft is being sued over the FAT file system, and that reminded me that McDonalds is being sued over fatty foods.” You’ll get all the credit (but none of the advertising revenue), and we’ll do all the heavy lifting.

Read the rest of this entry »

Matthew writes: McDonalds Corporation has announced that it is challenging the FAT patent issued to Microsoft.

According to the press release, “FAT is ubiquitous, it’s obvious, and Microsoft should not be allowed to extract a license or royalty from companies who want to distribute products that contain FAT. McDonald’s has been distributing products containing FAT since 1954—more than twenty years before Microsoft was founded. Certainly there’s no reason why this patent should have been issued in 1996. It amounts to abuse of the patent and trademark system. We have just fended off a number of suits pertaining to FAT, and we don’t intend to be embroiled or emdeepfried in any more litigation about FAT.”

Matthew writes: Scientists have reported new breakthroughs in the effort to determine which household item the universe is shaped like. Following reporting last year that the Universe was shaped like a soccer ball, SlashNOT has now learned that the Universe is apparently shaped like a trumpet, a Pringles chip, a bugle, or a funnel. Other research going on in India points to a morphology similar to a wall, a spear, a snake, a tree, a fan, or a rope.

Matthew writes: Sony Corporation has announced a major breakthrough in reducing the cost of information distribution and long- term information storage.

Based on Sony’s optical high-density optical storage platform, the new technology involves the storage of information using a specific system of printed marks on fibrous pulped wood.

“This new technology will be a dramatic enabler in the sciences, arts, and in government. Imagine being able to store information on a medium so inexpensive that it could be easily reproduced and widely distributed. The ability to permanently retain volumes of information for indefinite periods also has uses in the education and business markets.”

According to Sony, individual “pages” of information can be bound together into “volumes” which in sum can contain nearly any amount of information. Sony is currently exploring the potential market for selling pre-printed volumes of information directly to consumers.

Matthew writes: IAEA Chief Mohammad Al Baradei and IKEA President Anders Dahlvig have announced that their two organizations will merge to form IKAEA.

“Both organizations will gain a lot of synergy from this merger.” Claims Mr. Al Baradei. “The IAEA has had a lot of trouble penetrating the veil of secrecy surrounding the nuclear programs of North Korea, Iran, Libya, and Pakistan. IKEA has the logistical capabilities to put cheap but stylish home furnishings in the hands of even the poorest third-world nations, and we can piggy back on those capabilities to bring nuclear inspectors into every home.”

“We’re designing an entirely new line of home furnishings to complement our partnership with IAEA” says Mr. Dahlvig. “We’ve designed the new ATOM line of couches and love seats with the belligerent nuclear aspirant nation in mind. We’re also setting up a new GEIGER line of stainless and lead kitchen utensils that will permanently change colors in the presence of trans- uranics in the soils or foodstuffs. These markers will make the IAEA inspectors jobs a lot easier.”

chris writes: Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson today announced that the government intends to put the entire nation on a diet. Non-eating zones (or NEZs) will be established in areas where obesity rates are above normal, such as near Wal-Mart stores and Winn Dixie supermarkets.

Non-eating zones means that the public will not be allowed to consume high calorie foods (HCF), or alcohol, tobacco or firearms (ATF). Violators will be required to take mandatory fitness classes or pay a fine.

The non-eating zones program will be implemented in phases:

1. Non-eating zones will be established in public buildings.
2. HCF related advertising will be banned from TV.
3. Areas that have an obesity rate above 50% will be designated non-eating zones.
4. Restaurants and shops in non-eating zones will be required to apply for a license which will be granted only on a case per case basis. Restaurants without licenses will be limited to serving water, coffee, and non-fat dairy creamer.

When asked about possible reactions from McDonald’s and Burger King, Secretary Thompson replied, “The health of our children has to come first. Man, children are a great excuse, aren’t they? I just love them.”

Christopher writes:

A McDonalds spokesperson today announced that, for a limited time, Happy Meals will contain a plush toy representing the Linux mascot, Tux. It was also stated that this decision in no way represented McDonalds choice of operating system and was made solely because of Tux’s appeal to young children.

Upon hearing the news, many OS developers began questioning McDonalds’ real agenda in providing the toys. “Who hasn’t bought their child a soft toy representing a small, cuddly animal?” Argued McDonalds’ legal representatives “The McDonalds’ marketing team firmly believe that a small penguin is the perfect toy for a young child … would you rather see a child playing with a window, or maybe a foot?”

In response, Microsoft has announced that they will be releasing a plush toy mascot of their own to compete with the appeal of Tux.

J.T. Kirk writes: CIT Professor William Johnson announces the source of his invention, Liquid Metal. In an exclusive inteview by SlashNot.com investigator Duya Noit, Professor Johnson stated that he first obtained the idea from two men claiming to be engineers. “I recall one of them had a thick scottish accent,” Johnson said.

“They came to me one day hoping to enlist my aid in manufacturing some new materials they needed. When they thought I wasn’t listening I overheard them discuss worries about paradox and time travel.”

Professor Johnson then goes on to say this caught his interest so he followed the two men when they left. He says they went to a park where they proceeded to board some kind of invisible craft.

Psychologists have yet to comment on Mr. Johnson’s sanity, saying he may only have been joking.