SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Commissioner President of the European Union Romano Prodi has announced that rather than assessing fees to member states to fund its costs, it will be suing U.S. and Japanese multinational corporations and using the proceeds to finance its operations.

“At first, we were just suing Microsoft because everyone else was doing it,” said Msr. Prodi. “But when we realized that we could hit them with hundreds of millions of dollars in fines without them blinking, we were like ‘ka-ching!’ This frankly solves one of the EUs major growth hurdles and will allow us to exceed the governance limitations placed on us by the member states which they enforce through budgetary control. Having an independent war chest, so to speak, will make the expansion of the EU much simpler. We’re going after Sony next, as soon as our lawyers can figure out why.”

Matthew writes: A recent market review of existing cell phones has revealed that every cell phone model is hobbled by one or more engineering tradeoffs.

The effect of these tradeoffs are varied—-some lack color screens or cameras, others have poor battery performance, and still others have poor reception or lack multiple band compatibility. For example, the Motorola V60 series is renowned for its long battery life, but it provides only such pedestrian features as making and receiving phone calls. The Kyocera Smartphone, on the other hand, has a camera and a Palm PDA built in, but is hobbled by its large size and poor battery life.

“It’s disappointing to see manufacturers releasing phones that they know are hobbled by tradeoffs. It’s as if they deliberately don’t want to make the perfect cell phone,” Says industry outsider Eric Harris. “I’m no engineer, but it doesn’t take much talent to figure out what people want: A phone that easily fits in your pocket and includes voice recognition and speech synthesis for texting, a 2.0 megapixel or better camera, broadband speed, Bluetooth, a PDA, and a week or so of talk time between charges. If I was the CEO of Motorola or Nokia, we’d be kicking ass.”

Christopher writes: Earlier today the FBI, along with local authorities, raided the residences of several Microsoft employees under the suspicion that they may be using open-source software. “The concern began when [while getting a stapler] I noticed a copy of Floppix in a an employee’s drawer,” stated disgruntled Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. “I immediately contacted the relevant authorities.”

The results of these raids were quite unexpected. Out of the thirty-five homes that were raided, eleven of them contained open-source software. Most of all, when police raided the residence of Brad Abrams, a program manager on the .net CLR team and also a close friend of Bill Gates himself, they found one machine actually running Red Hat Linux and a cache of other open-source software. Upon further inspection of his machine, they found that he had bookmarked SourceForge and was an active member of its forum.

“I had no idea my employees were using such software,” appealed Microsoft Chairperson Bill Gates to the media. Gates also said that the culprits will be dealt with harshly, as such practices are not tolerated within the company. The matter is still undergoing inquiry with more raids planned early next month.

Matthew writes: Dr. Robert Weinberg of the Whitehead Institute for Biomedical Research in Boston and his team have succeeded in growing human breasts on mice. “With this breakthrough, we have succeeded in increasing the supply of human breasts available for both public and private research.”

Dr. Weinberg, a medical prodigy just sixteen years old, says that mice are just the beginning. “We can basically recreate this process in any species for which significant demand exists.”

When asked whether mice were large enough to support human breasts of a useful size, Dr. Weinberg replied “Breast size is not particularly important to scientists. It’s really just the availability of Breasts that matters.”

Matthew writes: Microsoft’s imminent version of the PocketPC for multimedia has been indicted on charges of conspiracy to commit murder and with making threatening press releases.

Apple’s iPod seemed circumspect about the arrest. “I’ve been stalked by a lot of companies in this market segment. I don’t really go around worrying about crazy people showing up on my doorstep—I mean, I’d go crazy if I did. I just hope that Microsoft gets the help that it needs.”

Defense attorney Patrick Kilborne claims that Microsoft’s estimated 0..0 price range proves that Microsoft is clearly deluded and therefore not responsible for it’s remarks. “Clearly, marking a 0 device against a 0 dollar device in a market that is comprised of teenagers indicates that Microsoft is delusional, disconnected from reality, and not responsible for it’s actions.”

Nathan Dykman writes: In a stunning move, a large group of Linux users have decided that in order to “protect the purity and sanctity of Linux, the most holy of codes”, a new church containing “only the truest of believers” must be formed immediately to combat the forces of evil in “our final days.”

“When the Antichrist has revealed himself unto us and the final battle draws neigh, the faithful must gather together and prepare to fight”, said Frank Coventry, spokesperson for the new “True Church of Linux”.

Church members believe that the lawsuit brought by SCO against IBM and other Linux vendors has shown that the “Antichrist” is none other than Darl McBride, CEO of SCO.

“His highest servant”, later revealed as Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, “failed to stop us. So now, the dark one himself is with us, and we shall once again prevail over him”.

Church members noted that there are other forces against them. “Those who have polluted Linux in the name of user-friendliness have allowed the unbelievers to foul and profane the once glorious OS we worshipped”, said one member who only identified himself as punkbust12.

Another member noted “Those who blaspheme against the command line, who can not grasp the glory of inetd.conf, the rapture of sendmail; it is these heathen lusers that too many have slavishly appeased. No more. They are not worthy of the awesome beauty and healing grace of /dev/proc. KDE Sucks. GNOME too. [sic]” KDE and GNOME are popular windowing environments for Linux.

It is rumored that some in the church frevently believe that Linus Torvalds, the creator of Linux, will reveal himself to be none other than the savior himself. One member, who asked not to be named, noted that “Linus and Jesus do kind of sound alike.”

When asked to comment, Torvalds refused, saying only “I’m not wasting my time answering that bunch of stark raving loonies” also muttering “The nerve of some people”.

The SCO lawsuit claims that IBM and others have violated their copyrights on Unix. Some at SCO believe that IBM, HP and other major companies have ruined SCOs ability to do business by giving away software that is very similar to what they sell. SCO’s claims have raised the ire of many Linux users.

Experts note that it is clear that the lawsuit is a first for the software industry. “Certainly, I can’t think of any case before this in which a smaller company claimed to be irreparably damaged by a large company giving away software”, said Rob Donnell, a software law expert.

“The war of good and evil begins. Our number may seem few, but we shall arise victorious, and the glory of Open Source shall beam from the heavens upon us all.”, said Mr. Coventry.

Mr. Coventry went on to say that “even the Apple-worshipper shall fall onto his knees and praise the one true OS.” The Church of Jobs refused offical comment.

Church members are steeling themselves for a long battle. “We are prepared. Our souls are light, our PCs overclocked”, said one member.

A passerby, after being told what the meeting, being held in a smallish room at the local community college, was about, commented “A damn church. Over stuff that runs on a computer. Fucking nutballs”.

When told that Linux was a OS, not “some idiotic trashy game that dumb kids get way into.” the passerby then proceeded to yell “Dumb asses!” a few times at churchgoers before leaving.

Mearzuh writes: Well, it’s official, folks: your cellphone is not there just for talking anymore. With the recent innovative (and annoyative) cellphone designs that include cameras, TV, and now even live radio, your cell is not what it used to be anymore. What is next?

A recent conference of the heads of the cellular industry has produced more “great” ideas that could appear on your cellphone in the near future. Here are some that we have gathered.

Philips has proposed adding Dolby Digital 6.1 surround sound system with portable speakers that are to be worn around your head. The system includes a 50 Watt subwoofer that would allow you and others to bounce to the tight beats you would have downloaded instead of using the usual boring rings.

Tired of the old and boring LCD display? The industry will soon offer 2″ widescreen HDTV plasma cellphones with integrated micro disc DVD player. Are you a businessman that presents a lot? No worries! A built in DLP projector will be available at an additional cost.

The ultimate cellphone unit will cost an estimated 10,000, but you may get a 20 discount if you choose to sign a two year contract with most service providers.

trmj writes: As a result of hard drive manufacturer Maxtor’s new “Return, Rebuild, Repackage” program, information has been released on their “biggest hard drives yet.” The drives weigh in at almost 17 lbs, and take up a full 5.25″ drive bay. Capacity ranges from 60 GB to an impressive 150 GB, and spin at 7200 RPMs.

At a press conference Thursday, a spokesman for the company offered the following explaination, “Ever wonder what manufacturers do with returns? Normally, they just throw away the junk, but we at Maxtor have found that we can resell ours! In a new manufacturing process, we take the working cylinders from our returned drives and stack them in a box with a sensor and a motor. Surprisingly, they even work when we’re done!”

When asked about Maxtor’s new return policy, the spokesman’s comment was less than promising: “As our new line of products are released, the warranty is only for Dead-On-Arrival products. We can only PR spin this s*** so far.”

Mearzuh writes: Microsoft founder Paul Allen has spent $ 13.5 million of his own searching for extraterrestrial life.

Stock analysts claim that this is just another way for Microsoft to regain a stable footing in their quarterly profits, which haven’t been very promising in the recent past due to a lack of growth from saturated markets. Essentially, everyone on Earth already owns a few copies of Windows.

When asked if that claim is true, Allen responded, “Bill and I have a running billion dollar bet as to whether life exists on other planets. And if we found ancillary markets there as well, that’s just icing on the cake, so to speak”. Microsoft has provided NASA with free copies of Windows 98 to power the Martian rovers with hopes of finding potential customers on Mars. But unfortunately, no life forms complex enough to move a mouse have been found.”

Paul Allen remains hopeful, however, and with his recent personal investment his hopes are up in the air, sky high.

Matthew writes: “We have a winner!” announced DARPA officials. “For the first time in a military project, the tax payers have not borne the cost for a failed weapons system development program. Rather, we’ve offloaded those massive losses onto civilian contestants whose ability to project costs and deliver projects appears to be about equal to major defense contractors. Except this time, we didn’t have to pay for it. We got a lot of research and development failures for free, and the American tax payer won big time.”

Flush with the financial success of the failed DARPA grand challenge, the U.S. Government is announcing changes to many of its procurement programs. First out of the gate is a million dollar prize for the first civilian team that develops a completely robotic heavy bomber capable of delivering 100,000 pounds of ordinance to a specific GPS coordinate and returning to and landing on an aircraft carrier without human assistance. DARPA is also considering a program to reward the first religious cult to develop a cloned super-soldier, but has not yet completed the specifications for that challenge.