SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Spirit operations project manager Pete Theisinger admitted on Saturday morning that the Spirit rover’s embedded operating system was actually Windows 98, acquired through NASA’s COTS (Commercial Off-The-Shelf) procurement process as part of the better-faster-cheaper oxymoron under which NASA’s projects since the Space Shuttle have been designed.

“We did a lot of testing. A lot. We really thought we had covered pretty everything. We had Norton System Recovery, MIME Sweeper, ZoneAlarm Pro, and CrashRecover 2 installed. But last Monday when the computer on Spirit started crashing, one of the engineers remembered that we left the OEM copy of McAffee ViruScan running in the system tray, which may have been triggered by an unknown Martian virus, or a Gator popup. McAffee ViruScan is notoriously unreliable on Windows 98, and is also a suspect in the loss of the British Beagle 2.

Theisinger also admitted that the computing hardware consisted of a used Compaq Presario notebook computer that he personally had donated to the effort. “Perhaps we should have re-installed the operating system from scratch, but nobody could find a Windows 98 CD-ROM, and the laptop can’t boot from CD anyway.”

NASA now has the rover running in “Safe Mode” to bypass software problems. Enabling safemode was a dicey hacking operation, considering that NASA’s control protocol is a VNC server that is not available until the computer is completely booted.

“Opportunity is running Windows NT 4 Workstation, so we shouldn’t have any problems with it.”

Mearzuh writes: After the big DOT-COM layoffs, the airline layoffs and other mass layoffs, corporate employers are searching for faster, easier, cheaper, and more heartless ways of dismissing their loyal employees when quarterly profits don’t meet Wall Street expectations. They have found hope in a new technology called eSlips.

eSlips uses Microsoft’s Exchange Server technology to bulk e-mail layoff notices to easily created lists of employees. Using eSlip’s patented one-click fire button, all an employer has to do is click it, and voila: up to 100,000 people at a time are laid off. Strong Active Directory integration means that entire Organizational Units can be laid off simply by disabling their user accounts.

The laid-off employees receive a pink email informing them of their misfortune. Optionally, employers may add links to jobseeking websites within the eSlip. Employers are raving about this new software, and Apple, Inc is already working on its own version, called iSlip, which is targeted towards students and web developers who want to dump their friends or significant others.

Matthew writes: “I’d been thinking about switching for a long time–since high school really. I’d played around a little with Macintoshes back then. I actually lived with a Mac IIx when I was in the Navy, and I’ve had a G4 Cube in my closet for a few years.”

“But there was a lot of pressure back then to keep your machine preferences to yourself, so I never joined any Mac users groups or even really knew any other Mac users. I got used to using a PC. I told myself that I was just like everyone else, even though I knew, deep down inside, that I was different. But I work in Information Technology. I don’t know if people really understand how much social stigma is associated with Macs in the business world of IT. So yeah, I hid it.”

“After a few recent bad experiences with PCs I found myself wandering into an Apple store. I looked at a 17″ powerbook, and I just took a deep breath and I bought it!”

“Most everyone has been so supportive! But, like all Mac users, I have had a few friends take it personally, and my Mother totally doesn’t understand Macintoshes. She says she’s okay with whatever machine I want to use, but I can tell she’s just saying that because she thinks she has to. My close friends told me that they knew all along that I was a Mac user and were just waiting for me to figure it out. Frankly, it’s a lot easier now that being a Mac user is cool again.”

Matthew writes: The Japanese government has been quietly seeding hundreds of research projects into robotic technology. Each company starts up producing cutesy home-helper robots that are mostly useless, and develops into an industrial manufacturer of somewhat more useful devices.

Japanese citizens have joined in the fun, forming robot pilot clubs to learn how to drive the devices and gain experience in their use.

“I would like to assure our neighbors in the Pacific rim, especially the United States and China, that these robots are being developed and manufactured in mass for benign purposes such as search and rescue, and in no way indicate a return to Japan’s Glorious Imperial past of divinely inspired valorous conquest of the world’s inferior races. There is nothing for anyone to worry about in Japan.”

“At current manufacturing rates, we will have one rescue robot for every member of the Japanese Self Defense Force, thus relieving humans of the dangers of search and rescue, fire suppression, and preemptive defense.”

matthew writes: Adobe^® Systems, Inc., is desperately afraid of a diverse group of people who call themselves Photoshoppers—those who say that they photoshop images rather than using Adobe^® Photoshop^® to manipulate images.

Why? Because by using the name of Adobe’s^® Premier^® Photoshop^® software as anything other than a proper adjective may tend to dilute the strength of Photoshop^®’s trademark.

“Look what happened to SPAM^®.” Says Adobe General Counsel Harmonious “Harm” Harper. “They had a strong trademark—an invented word, with a single meaning, that was well protected. Then along came unsolicited commercial e-mail. You can’t wipe your ass with the value of that trademark now. It happened to Jello^®, Band-aid^®, Xerox^®, Kleenex^®–a lot of strong American brands. It’s not going to happen to Photoshop^®.”

Some would say that being subsumed into the vernacular is the ultimate sign of trademark success. Just for fun, we googled “Slashnotted” and came up with two hits—certainly a harbinger of fame for this site.

Adobe is desperately afraid that the words it appropriated from English to describe its products will be appropriated by English to describe its products. Do your part to help this corporation retain the strength of their trademark rights by modifying the way you speak and think to fit their needs.

Adobe^®, Premier^®, and Photoshop^® are registered trademarks of Adobe Systems, Inc.

matthew writes: Three days after the successful landing of the Spirit Rover on Mars, NASA Chief Sean O’Keefe has admitted than a member of the Spirit Rover team left the keys to the robotic rover on Earth in his jacket pocket, leaving the rover stranded withing the landing module and unable to transit down the ramp onto the Martian surface.

“We’re currently exploring various avenues to get the rover started without the keys, but at this point we may have to face the fact that we’ve already seen the best pictures we’re going to get from the Mission. We’ve subsequently initiated an investigation into the location of the keys to Spirit’s twin, the Opportunity rover, which will touch down on the Martian surface in two weeks, and yes, the same Engineer was found with those keys as well.”

JPL Engineers have been attempting to use the Rover’s small robotic arm to move a bolt found lying on the floor of the lander into position where it can short the ignition contacts. It’s not clear why the Rovers were designed with key operated ignitions, considering the lack complex life on Mars. Consultants to Slashnot have speculated that cost cutting measures under NASA’s smaller, faster, cheaper program have necessitated the re-use of components from the automobiles of Engineering personnel.

Matthew writes: The U.S. Army has just awarded a contract to develop a robot with the form factor of a canine that can follow soldiers into battle and carry their equipment. This development, along with a serpentine robot designed to assist with mechanical repairs, a lobster-like robot designed to search for mines, and an insect-like robot designed for remote surveillance, supports the Army’s philosophy of developing friendly seeming helper robots that lack the physical attributes necessary to enslave humanity.

Ben Krupp, president of Yobotics, explains: “Yes, we could just develop a robotic soldier instead of an array of simulated animals. But we’ve gone through the simulations a number of times here and at DARPA, and the end-game scenarios when using fully articulated multipurpose robots are—well, let’s just say that they are not good for humans.”

“The canine form factor is perfect for us, because as soon as the robot attempts to use a limb to pick up a weapon, it falls over.”

Steve Davis writes: NASA officials report that an official letter from martian canine authorities has been found on the windshield of Mars Rover. Martians are demanding a fee to release Beagle2 from the Esidis Crater pound.

Nothing has been heard from Beagle2 since it landed on Mars some time ago and while officials feared it was lost, the unexpected official letter confirms that it had been captured while roaming the canals.

“We obviously didn’t realise that Beagle2 had to be registered or we would have taken all possible steps to fill the proper forms” mission director Miroslav Ogenski said as he read the letter.

Unsure how they are going to come up with Martian currency, much less get it to Mars within the 7 day deadline, officials fear Beagle2 may be put down, or worse, be used for some sort of research.

Mearzuh writes: In continuing with the hip naming of it’s Windows operating system, after such cool names as “XP” and “Longhorn”, Microsoft is considering to slightly change it’s current “XP” to a later more appealing “X.P. Ditty”. Chairman Bill Gates commented in a recent statement that they based their new naming on the success that rapper P. Diddy had when changing his name from Sean Puffy Combs to Puff Daddy, to P. Diddy. “It was only logical”, said Gates. “Who would want Windows XPedite? Everyone wants X.P.Ditty! “To further appeal to the hipness of our users and continue the coolness trend here at Microsoft”, he said, “we are also working on the new slogan for X.P. Ditty. Currently, our best one is ‘X’s Gonn’ Give It To ‘Ya’ based on the number one hit by another rapper: DMX. “With great advertising like that, we are destined to succeed.” Stay tuned.

Matthew writes: A new hypothesis suggests that black holes are not actually infinitely dense pinpoints in space—rather, they are a complex system most closely represented by the 1982 Atari video game “Gravitar“.

In the video game, ships, stars, and other space stuff is drawn into a sphere in the center of the console, whereas in black holes, ships, stars, and other space stuff is drawn into the sphere in the center of the black hole.

“The parallels between the new theory and the old video game are quite remarkable”, says Emil Mottola of the Los Alamos National Laboratory. “In fact, I had my inspiration for the theory while reminiscing the game with MAME.”

Critics of the theory note that Gravitars do not contain as much entropy as traditional black holes, nor to traditional black holes require a constant diet of quarters in order to operate.