SlashNOT

Matthew writes: For Us the Living is the hitherto unpublished first novel of the late Robert Heinlein, 2nd greatest SciFi author of all time (after Isaac Asimov and before Ray Bradbury).

The book absolutely sucks, which is why I love it!

See, in the seven years since I started writing my first novel, “About a Transgenic Fish: A Love Story”, I’ve been having a really hard time figuring out how to complete the story. I just can’t seem to write a realistic scene wherein a mutant surgeonfish manages to roll his fishbowl down an art-deco handrail, knock the henchmen of an evil U.S. President unconscious, and then crash through the 87th story window of the rebuilt World Trade Center to a waiting helicopter gunship belonging to the Reformation Brotherhood of Mennonites, which in the year 2023 will control more than half of the U.S.

But For Us the Living shows me that I don’t have to! All I need to do is set this book aside and become famous for my as yet unwritten masterpieces, content in the knowledge that “About a Transgenic Fish” will be published after my death and purchased by my devout followers as a nearly lost example of my early, crappy writing. This book is just another example of why Robert Heinlein continues to break new ground in SciFi and the publishing world in general, even post mortem. It’s truly a masterpiece of early 20th Century unpublishable fiction.

Matthew writes: Ozzy Osbourne, former lead singer of Ozzy Osbourne, has been resurrected from death after a quad motorcycle accident on his estate in England.

“Ozzy sold his soul a long time ago,” reports wife Sharon Osbourne. “That’s what accounts for his iconic fame based on just three or four radio hits, and the rejuvenation of his career as a lovable zombie on our hit TV show, and the inability of drugs, alcohol, and vehicles to actually kill him. He will remain in a state of animated undeath until such a time as our dark lord has finished his hoary mission and anointed a new Prince of Bleeping Darkness. We’ve been hoping that our son Jack could take over for him, but so far our Dark Lord hasn’t shown any interest in magically creating a career for him.”

Moondog writes:

Matthew writes: Federal Agents have busted a major spam sending ring that was apparently working with the support of SpamCop. The Spam senders, using IronPort Senderbase spam flooding software, were apparently working in collusion with SpamCop, which had recently taken bribes from IronPort to continue operations. In what amounts to a protection racket, IronPort would on one hand flood unsuspecting customers with Spam, and then SpamCop would shake them down to eliminate the spam.

While collusion has long been suspected in the anti-virus racket, no direct evidence has linked the two sides.

Matthew writes: Dungeon Dorks around the world were amazed to find that their beloved pastime, Dungeons & Dorks, apparently pre-dates 1974. Evidence of Ancient Dungeon Dorking (AD&D) has apparently been known to dorkologists for many decades, but, because D&D wasn’t rediscovered until 1974, the ancient game had not been correlated with its modern counterpart.

Because no Ancient Dork Master’s Guide has been found, the precise rules of the game are not known. As these ancient dorks lived in the time that is now modeled by the modern game, it’s likely that they fantasized about an earlier and more primitive time, which to them would have been when humans lived in caves and fought off yet-to-be domesticated wolves for their food.

Rules were likely much simpler, and may have forgone the armor class charts, encumbrance tables, and character sheets to go straight into the night-long game ending argument over exactly which protective spells had been cast prior to the appearance of the wights. Dorkologists speculate that the symbols on the die in this auction may have indicated exactly which argument the role players were to engage in.

Matthew writes: SETI has recently decided to permanently suspend the search for extra-terrestrial intelligence.

Dr. Jill Cornel Tarter, director of SETI, has immediately and permanently suspended the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, providing only a brief statement and no clues as to what may have precipitated the decision.

“As of this day, further search activities for SETI have been suspended. We will continue to utilize the distributed cluster for a few days to complete some signal processing, and then subsequently automatically un-install the SETI@NO_SPAMHome software from all participating computers.”

“I’d like to thank all SETI@NO_SPAMHome participants for allowing us the use of their spare compute cycles. I’d also like to say that it was nice knowing all of you, and Good luck next Thursday.