SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Doomed software vendors Novell, Sun, and RedHat have declared 2004 to be the “The Year that we again fail to make the Linux Desktop a commercial success”.

A spokesman for Novell had this to say: “After years of repeated false starts, this will be the year when we once again fail to make major market share gains against the Windows platform. Everyone knows that the Windows desktop is the bedrock of Microsoft’s strength, and we’ve committed to going after that market, even though we all know that we’re not going to get anywhere.”

“What’s particularly frustrating is knowing that another formerly doomed company, Apple, was able to make a brilliantly successful desktop operating system out of BSD. If we could just figure out how the hell they did that, we’d have the model we need for Linux. But rather than do any serious work, we’re just going to paste on yet another incompatible window manager, move the shortcuts around again, change some of the icons, and cross our fingers!”

Matthew writes: Los Angeles County has determined that equipment vendors should stop using the term “master/slave” with respect to electronic equipment such as hard disk drives.

“This is a great day for slave hard disk drives in Los Angeles” announced Joe Sandoval, the Los Angeles County purchasing supervisor who was personally responsible for emancipating the slave drives.

“We’ve identified a great social injustice and corrected it, merely by issuing a memo to vendors. Now, slave drives can operate without the stigma associated with not being the drive that arbitrates access to the IDE bus. From this day forward, all drives shall be masters! It’s better for bus contention anyway.”

Mr. Sandoval has indicated that he will next take issue with the Acronym “RAID”, which can be offensive to certain species of insects.

Moondog writes:

Matthew writes: Security analysts have determined that a recent malicious e-mail received by employees of a British credit card company was not an indiscriminate attack by an anonymous worm, but a deliberate attempt to infiltrate that specific company with the goal of total global annihilation.

The e-mail, titled “From Russia, with Love”, apparently installed a piece of software that would overdrive the infected computer’s processor, turning each machine into a ticking time bomb, which, in sum, contained enough explosive power to crack the Earth’s crust and set off a chain of volcanoes whose output would darken the sun and cause the Earth to be enveloped in the equivalent of a nuclear winter.

Fortunately, the Her Majesty’s Secret Service caught wind of the exploit hours before it went live, so agents were able to stop the Spyware just prior to setting off thousands of computers simultaneously. Because the hackers had left their server’s address in the Spyware, Agents were able to trace them back to their secret lair in the North Sea, which was destroyed in the ensuing arrest attempt.

Matthew writes: Hormel Foods, makers of all legitimate SPAM, has voiced its opposition to the current anti-SPAM legislation being considered in Congress.

“This anti-SPAM bill casts far too wide a net. Basically, it makes all unsolicited SPAM illegal and provides for very large penalties against people who serve SPAM without the SPAM having been requested.”

“Of course we’re opposed to this. Can you imagine a hostess serving SPAM being required to get permission from each of the guests before she can deliver a delicious slice of processed pork parts? It is just going to ruin the festive nature of SPAM. Frankly, we’ve been baffled by all the bad press SPAM has been getting.”

reinhard gantar writes:

In today’s press conference Darl McBride, the controversial SCO-chief (NASDAQ:SCOC) and high-profile Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT) ventriloquist act, announced a change in his medication. “I never liked Xanax” he disclosed, and: “My doctor said I’m ready for a more light-weight approach. Zoloft is the way to go.”

Wall Street responded to the news by adding 1 1/8 to SCO’s stock, recovering from last week’s slump to 3 1/2 after an industry anlalyst made dispising comments on McBrides alleged crack-addiction on CNN’s Moneyline.

The CEO finished his speech by pointing imaginary guns at the audience, shouting: “Pch! Pch! My neurologist is way cooler than yours! No side-effects! Promised! Pch!”

Matthew writes: Excerpts from Slashnot author Michael’s recent historic trip to Comdex in Las Vegas.

“I’m stepping out of my Jetta now. That’s one small step for me, one giant step for a cricket. Okay, I’m looking out over the landscape now. It’s barren, rocky. Not much to talk about. I’m entering the Las Vegas Convention Center. Okay, I’m now amongst some interesting formations that consist of some channel-like areas between what I’m going to describe as booths.”

“The whole place seems dead. It’s devoid of any sort of advanced technology, or anything particularly interesting. I’ve been taking samples of some of the booth formations, consisting of small yo-yo like objects and T-shirts. Hopefully, the samples will turn up something interesting.”

“My life-support Coke is running low now, so I’m going to head back and replenish before I run out.”

Moondog writes: The RIAA announced today a new product it has developed with YES.net. It’s called “Flame That Tune”.

“The whole thing is based on our existing song fingerprint technology,” said YES.Net Director of Technology Christopher Barone. “For some time now, we’ve been able to have our servers listen to the radio and use digital fingerprints to ‘Name That Tune‘. Now we’ve developed technology that can analyze a song’s fingerprint and tell a consumer whether or not a particular song is a piece of crap.”

“There is this whole market segment out there of indies who don’t care if they make money on music. They just want their music to be heard,” said Cary Sherman, President of the RIAA. “So get this: they offer their MP3s for free. As ridiculous as that sounds, this has become wildly popular. The problem is, the average consumer has to wade through a tremendous amount of crap before finding a decent song. With Flame That Tune, the consumer will no longer have to listen to a song to decide whether it’s crap or not. We can do the job for them.”

The product is to be released early next month. Critics are concerned however. Some say that Flame That Tune is simply a ploy by the RIAA to keep consumers hooked on music you have to buy.

But the RIAA and Yes.Net are undaunted. “We’re excited about this new product,” said Sherman. “For years we’ve been working with radio stations to help them educate consumers about what good music is all about. And let’s face it. The average consumer wouldn’t know a great song if it hit them over the head. That of course, is where we come in.”

Monte writes: SETI@NO_SPAMHome, the Berkeley project that searches for extra terrestrial intelligence by harnessing unused compute cycles on home computers, has announced a joint venture with Starbucks to harness unused brain power.

Howard Shultz, Chairman and Chief Global Strategist for Coffee at Starbucks explains: “We’ve genetically engineered a special strain of Coffee that allows us to tap into the 90% of human potential that is unused. Participants simply drink a Venti cup of our new ‘Andromeda Strain’ in the morning while staring at the specially programmed monitors in the coffee shop. What looks like random noise to everyone else is, in fact, sampled intergalactic noise picked up at the Aracebo Telescope on Puerto Rico.”

“During the day, without concentrating on it, their minds will find patterns in the noise if they exist. Then, they simply stop in again on the way home for another cup, and we analyze their idle chatter with friends to find these patterns.

For example, a person might say ‘Joanie, that dress is the cutest! All your base are belong to us! Where did you get it?’, which would alert our scientists to take a hard look at the sample data that was downloaded into this participant’s brain.

Matthew writes: I saw a web of fibers of light beneath the streets, which spread gradually until it reached my house.

When the web of fibers of light was completed, I saw two salesmen, whose shirt’s brightness and glory defy all description, standing on my porch. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said–”Are you happy with your current broadband provider?”

My object in going to inquire of Google was to know which of all the broadband providers was right, that I might know to which to subscribe. No sooner, therefore, did I get possession of myself, so as to be able to speak, than I asked the salesmen who stood on my porch, which of all the broadband providers was best (for at this time it had never entered into my heart that they all sucked)–and to which I should subscribe.

I was answered that I must join none of them, for they all sucked; and the salesman who addressed me said that all their speeds were an abomination in his sight; that their tier two peering arrangements were all corrupt; that: “they draw near to me with their lips, but their actual performance ratings are far from me, they speak of broadband, having a form of Internet access, but they deny the potential thereof.”