SlashNOT

Michael writes: Microsoft reported on Tuesday that a vulnerability in IIS could make it susceptible to DOS attacks. These attacks are becoming more common - recent DOS attacks have been reported on Nokia phones and on several infamous web sites.

“It was pretty scary,” said one webmaster that asked not to be identified. “Our site was working fine for years, then suddenly last week we got a black screen. A minute later, the C:\\> prompt appeared, and we knew it was a DOS attack. Worse yet, it was one of the old buggy versions, 4.1 or something.”

While vendors have attempted several solutions, none can completely eliminate the risk of DOS attacks. “This type of attack started appearing in 1981,” said a security expert, “and reached a peak in 1993.” Stealth attacks were still common until a security fix was released in 2000. There is not yet an explanation for the new upsurge in attacks.

Matthew writes: SlashNOT.com is proud to announce that is has completed a leveraged buyout of rival website SlashNOT.org for US100.00.

“Having ownership of the highly valuable SlashNOT name in both the .com and .org memespaces is a major coup for SlashNOT.” Said co-founder Matthew. “We’re vectoring people who would have been going to a competitor straight to our brand.”

SlashNOT.org had been operating a small site operation indicating that the name had been registered and parked.

“The negotiations were tough—they came to us asking for US13.00 dollars. By the time we sealed the deal, we had them up to US100. We’re tough negotiators. I think they saw that.”

“We’re now in a position to expand into other memespaces, such as .biz and .info. Once we dominate those markets for the SlashNOT brand, there can be no possibility of confusion in the satire consumer’s mind about who the premier Slashdot ripoff site really is.”

SlashNOT is currently in negotiations to register their famous brand in the .net namespace, pending balance reduction measures against current leveraged debt instruments to first-round financing partners VISA and MasterCard.

Matthew writes: According to a report issued this weekend, tablet PC sales are unexpectedly brisk, taking makers like Toshiba and HP by surprise.

“The numbers are actually much higher than predicted,” says an industry spokesperson. “It seems that consumers are buying two or three of the devices in an attempt to find ‘the right’ model for them–that is, one with an effective input mechanism.”

Specific sales figures confirm the reports: A Toshiba Portege 3500 Tablet PC has been sold to every person who purchased the ViewSonic V1100, thus doubling the number of devices sold in total. A surprising number of HP units has been sold to purchasers of the Gateway Tablet PCs as well.

“What we’re seeing is that everyone who buys a “slate” version quickly replaces it with a convertible version. Typically, the slate device is then handed down to a pre-typing child or executive.”

Matthew writes: A copy of Microsoft Bob signed by Melinda Gates has been stolen from the Microsoft Museum of Microsoft, located directly under the Microsoft Employees Store in building 27 North at Microsoft’s Redmond campus. The piece is considered irreplaceable because while tens of thousands of copies of Microsoft Bob were printed, nobody else seems to have a copy.

Museum Curator Alfred Hickock (formerly of the Hormel Museum of Spam ) had this to say: “Microsoft Bob is unique. While millions of copies of Windows 3.11 for Workgroups still exist in their original boxes, it seems that nobody has retained a packaged copy of Microsoft Bob. That’s what makes this theft so heartbreaking. Children just won’t be able to see what kind of impact Bob had on the industry.”

Late breaking news: A copy of Microsoft Bob suddenly appeared on Ebay, in new sealed condition. Acting on a tip, Police raided the home of a Quebecois dealer in software antiquities and found the copy stolen from the Microsoft Museum. Also recovered were two OEM copies of Windows 2.0, a copy of MS-DOS 2.11, and a Picasso featuring a cubist rendition of a woman whose eyes resembled juxtaposed floppy disks.

Michael writes: According to the Washington Post, recent statistics indicate that 40% of all email traffic in the US is Spam. SlashNOT has obtained exclusive access to the complete data these statistics were based on and thus we present the following summary of the remaining 60%:

Michael writes: Red Hat has released Enterprise Linux this week, fulfilling SlashNot’s prediction published in September of 2002 and cleverly disguised as a parody.

“We at SlashNot are humble about our precognition“, said SlashNot cofounder Michael, “but we do like to brag when we’re right.” While the new product is designed to be a true Enterprise-class platform, as we predicted, the current version does not appear to include the sound effects or “warp” kernel mentioned in Matthew’s original article. We’re sure these are planned for the next release.

Matthew writes: Lawyers for Apple Computer have served notice to the Church of Satan that their use of the “Made with Macintosh” badge on their website constitutes a trademark violation.

Dread daemon-lord Baalzebub, speaking on behalf of Satan, had this to say: “We did receive notice from Apple Computer concerning a perceived trademark dispute. However, we in Hell are confident that our use of the Apple logo is in keeping with the fair-use provisions of Apple’s own web site badge program.”

“We look forward to a quick and mutually beneficial resolution of this problem, and we look forward to searing the flesh off of Apple’s lawyer’s bones from the moment they die for ever and ever.”

Matthew writes: Logitech has introduced the next scion in a storied dynasty of products aimed at luring the non-typing executive masses nearer to the glowing lights of computerization: The IO Smart pen, which ships with a tablet of “digital paper” upon which the pen can sense and record it’s position due to special watermarks in the paper. Once you’ve completed a writing session, you ddock the pen to upload its “digital ink” contents via USB to a PC.

1. the pen is the size of a small banana—too large to be useful as a writing instrument, too small to be useful as a weapon.
2. the pen only works on specially watermarked digital paper, which is both expensive and never just lying around when you need it.
3. the character reconition is only slightly better than random character generation.
4. Disposable Bics are vastly superior writing instruments.
5. The software requires you to sell your soul to the .NET framework in order to function (an extra 20MB install).

Matthew writes: Security experts warn of an alarming increase in the number of anti-spam products available. These packages promise to reduce or eliminate spam, but all to often they are exploited to reduce or eliminate spam.

“At first, spam was a minor annoyance, and then grew into a major annoyance as the amount of spam increased. Now, Anti-spam packages are following the same trend: A few packages, nothing major, and suddenly a deluge. When is it going to stop?”

“We’re considering anti-anti-spam legislation to keep these anti-spam services from proliferating beyond control. Last week, I must have gotten twenty unsolicited e-mail announcements about anti-spam software.

Matthew writes: Steve Ballmer announced the latest edition of the software giant’s Windows XP line of desktop operating systems: Windows XP Homeless Edition.

“With XP Homeless, we’re closing the gap for a segment of society that has been historically underrepresented in the software market.”

“This version of XP is basically a limited version of the XP Home edition. We’ve taken out Movie Maker, Media Player, and Internet Explorer, and we’ve added PocketChange Pro, Outlook Grim, Microsoft Streets & Trips, Cardboard Creator, and Microsoft Train Tracks Simulator.”

“We’ve taken out a lot of the fluff and pizzazz so that we could lower the price to 2.50, or whatever you’ve got on you.”