SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Using results from the Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe satellite, which has mapped the universal background microwave radiation going back to the Big Bang, scientists have discovered that we know next to nothing about everything.

But they have put a precise figure to how much we don’t know: We now know that we don’t know what 95.6% of the Universe is made of.

On the good side, we also know that the Universe is 13.7 billion years old, and that it will expand indefinitely until it reaches a state of complete entropy.

Given that we have apparently no interaction with the unknown 95.6% of the Universe, scientists have decided to give up on Astrophysics and turn the awesome power of the WMAP Satellite to determine the answers to pressing questions on Earth, such as the exact age of Zsa Zsa Gabor, the extent to which Marlon Brando will expand, and the exact material composition of Michael Jackson’s face.

Matthew writes: EA/Maxis, the creator of Similization, has announced plans to smite the subscription multiplayer on-line role playing game only a few weeks after its debut due to slow sales, customer dissatisfaction, and rampant sin.

EA/Maxis has released this statement:

“Now the players of Similization were wicked and sinners before us, and have forsaken all that which we hath given them. Yea, they are slothful in subscribing and causeth a great burden in support and are as a millstone about our necks. Therefore we wouldst destroy this place, because the sin of the players is waxen great before the face of EA/Maxis. Then shalt EA/Maxis rain upon Similization brimstone and fire from out of the sky, and overthrow the cities, and all the plains, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and all that which grows upon the ground.”

Early purchasers are apparently enraged about paying for a game they won’t be able to play, so EA/Maxis has offered to smite them as well.

Matthew writes: SlashNOT employees observed a day of morning Sunday after the Columbia explosion, and they invited each other to share their thoughts about it today.

“When I woke up to the news, I knew right then that I would be in morning all day long. You know, stay in bed in a depressed semiconscious state, eat nothing but untoasted frozen waffles, unplug the alarm clock, and ignore the phone/spouse/kids/parents. I could give myself up to morning for a few days, but thankfully I’ve got my family and satire website to keep me going, and we do have to get back into space as soon as possible. That’s not going to happen with me lying around in a fugue.”—Matthew

“I don’t actually get up before noon anyway, so I heard the news rather late. But right then, I knew it would be morning all day long for me as well. We didn’t even have to discuss it—we both did the morning thing all day independently of each other.”—Michael.

Matthew writes: In keeping with their policy shortening of the supported life of their various obsolete operating systems, Microsoft has announced that support for Windows 2003 Server will be deprecated as of April 1st, 2003 (which, coincidentally, is its projected ship date).

“We’ve seen the handwriting on the wall. Linux is going to eat us for lunch, and we don’t see much reason to keep supporting these legacy operating systems while the rest of the world jumps on the Linux bandwagon. We played the software monopoly game, and the hackers figured out how to beat us.”

“Rather than continuing to pour our support and development efforts into the black hole called Windows, we’re going to go back to the drawing boards and find another market to dominate, while we’ve still got the cash to do it.