SlashNOT

Matthew posts from May 2005: Intel announced the cancellation of the unsuccessful Itanium line of microprocessors. Production has already been halted for over a month.

Development of the 64-bit processor that was to have succeeded the x86 line of microprocessors that includes the venerable Pentium 4 as well as the new 5entium (Sentium) line of x86 compatible processors was delayed for years. When the Itanium debuted, it ran at 25% the speed of the existing Pentium 4, and was never able to catch up. The final processors produced run at 2.5Ghz, half the speed of the Sentium line of 64-bit extended x86 processors.

The nail in the coffin of the Itanium was the competing 64-bit processor from AMD. Release in Q1 2004, the Hammer debuted at 3GHz and quickly ramped up from there. The darling of Linux users everywhere, the Hammer was responsible for making Linux/AMD enterprise code run nearly twice as fast as comparable Microsoft/Intel applications. When Microsoft released Windows 2003 Server for the AMD Hammer in Q1 of 2005, existing shipments of Intel processors dropped dramatically, causing the immediate defection of manufacturers such as HP and Dell.

>ForwardSlash is an occasional feature that reposts interesting articles from our founding in 2002 through our acquisition by SonyTimeWarner in 2014. Links are generally removed because they are no longer or not yet available.

Matthew writes: In this article, posted December 5th, 2002, SlashNOT editor Matthew predicted that Microsoft would in three months time announce an epiphany concerning the use of DRM technology as a mechanism for securing Office Documents. That date would have been March 5th, 2003

Sadly, Microsoft’s DRM Epiphany was announced today, a full two weeks earlier than SlashNOT had predicted.

SlashNOT editor Matthew explains: “Well, it’s hard to explain to someone who is not a metaphysicist, but precognition is not an “exact science” per se, in that it’s neither exact nor science. It’s more or less like fuzzy logic, of course without being either of those as well.”

“I inherited my knack from my maternal great-grandfather, who was able to predict with great accuracy the day that steel file cabinets surpassed wooden file cabinets in total installed units, and nailed the rate at which automated postal metering machines would increase in speed from the twenties through to the sixties (Oddly, his name was Moore as well). Unfortunately, he was a four days off on the timing of the stock market crash of ‘29, and vowed never again to use his powers of prognostication thenceforth.”

Tyson writes: A lesser known collorary to Moore’s law, Slashnot readers should be aware of Gates’ law. In simple terms, Gates’ law is that software will exponentially decrease in effective speed while exponentially increasing in install size, effectively canceling the more troubling consequences of Moore’s law.

Among the relief provided by Gates’ law, the creation of super machines that can take over the world will be delayed indefinetely. In good news for housewives everywhere, robot maids that are better in bed and still know how to cook and clean will not be built until well after Gates’ death.

Intel executives have taken up the challenge, vowing to make machines so powerful that not even Microsoft software can defeat them. Microsoft reportedly scoffed, “Intel engineers are weenies.”

If only this story were less true…

Andy Karn writes: The Morphological Adjustment Division, an obscure subcommittee of the American Physical Society, announced today that the universe took a quantum “wrong turn” over 5 decades ago. The scientific sleuths have traced the incorrect quantum state to a branching error in Hoboken NJ in 1951.

According to the so-called Many Worlds interpretation of quantum mechanics, every time a quantum measurement is made, the universe splits into a sub-universe for each possibility. The problem came when 8-year old Bobby Schwartz consumed a snack cake which was so improbably fresh it violated causality and sent our universe careening onto the wrong quantum path, according to M.A.D. scientist Floyd Koppernik.

Recent research into Bozon particle overabundance reveals that the unverse we were supposed to get “sucked much less” than the one we’re in, Koppernik said. The correct universe apparently has safe nuclear power which is too cheap to meter, jet packs, and rocket cars.

Committee members said it was too early to say whether we can get back to the right universe, but are exploring the idea of employing a card shuffling machine with a deck that consists entirely of the ace of spades.

Matthew writes: Microsoft today announced their purchase of Virtual PC and Virtual PC Server from Connectix Corporation.

Microsoft Spokesman Explains: “We have basically reached the saturation point for server and client operating system sales. There’s a one-to-one relationship between PCs and operating system sales, which has been a sales limiter for us.”

“Virtual PC breaks that 1:1 operating system sales barrier for us. With this software, we can now sell a virtually unlimited number of operating system licenses for each PC. We’re thinking that we will probably be able to load eight to sixteen server operating system licenses per server in a few years, which obviously is a huge sales gain for us. There is apparently some sort of gain for the customer as well. Heck, we might even give this stuff away.”

“Here’s the real kick—we get to sell this software as well. This is really going to open up the money pipe for us. Oh, and the MacOS version of VirtualPC gives us a way to say we support Mac users without actually doing any work. That’s true synergy.

Matthew writes: Citing sales more dismal than predictions were ludicrous (and a factory making 1000 times fewer units than originally predicted) Segway Corporation has announced that from this moment on, it will cease producing Human Transporters and begin producing Human Preservers (Segway HP)

“We vastly overestimated the demand for a device that had all the benefits of a skateboard with none of its advantages. We’ve learned, and we’re moving on.”

“Our new product will solve an even bigger human problem and will change civilization as we know it. We are introducing a Human Cryogenic Preserver that is able to freeze a human body for storage and later re-warming. We’ve perfected the process of vitrification (solidification without freezing) by using high-resolution mazers and a special combination of chemicals to prevent crystal formation during the freezing process. In our early tests, nearly half of the goldfish we froze survived the process, so we’ve decided the time is right to bring a human product to market.”

When asked about government certification and potential applications, Dean Kamen speculated that some city ordinances might have to be rewritten, and identified FedEx as a “no-brainer” client for the technology.

Tyson writes: Sammy Corporation and longtime Japanese gamemaker Sega announced a merger to be finalized later this year. This effectively ends long time rumors of a Microsoft takeover of the struggling game company.

Microsoft was in final negotiations to purchase Sega when Sammy suddenly double-dog dared them to a winner-takes-all Pachinko playoff that would determine which company would gain the right to merge. After days of intense play, Sammy’s deaf, dumb, and blind Pachinko Wizard finally beat Steve Ballmer, who played for Microsoft. The Sammy player was later killed in a bizarre Pachinko-related homicide.

The newly formed company will combine pachinko machines with Dreamcast technology to bring high-volume gambling into the living room. In related news, beloved game publisher Square is merging with an obscure game company called Enix.

Microsoft, depressed over its missed chance, consoled itself by purchasing similarly named Segway, the Society of Exploration Geophysicists (SEG) and the mortal remains of Dr. Carl Segan.

Matthew writes: The White House released a first draft of a Cyber Security Plan this week that is intended to harden the U.S. portions of the Internet against attack in the event of war. The document is too large to cover in detail, but here are the highlights:

1. Everyone stop sending e-mail.
2. Backbone routers on curfew from 9:00 p.m. to 9:00 a.m.
3. Enlist porn industry to help get the word out.
4. Everyone use really hard password: “chrthwiaprl”.
5. Revoke Microsoft Passports of suspected terrorists.
6. Release “Code Orange” worm to automatically lock down Microsoft web servers.
7. Redirect AOL CD mailings to Iraq.
8. Provide Arabic versions of Microsoft Outlook for free to anyone.

With these measures, the administration is confident that any cyber-attack will have little to no impact on Internet users.

Matthew writes: Sony has announced a new high density DVD technology called Green Lantern disc technology which uses light from a large lantern-like device rather than a laser diode. Green Lantern disc technology allows for 127GB storage capacities on a single-sided 12cm disc. DVDs hold 4.7GB of data. Sony is now pursuing a broad acceptance of the format.

Green Lantern technology uses a short-wavelength aquamarine/teal laser instead of the red lasers used by current optical drives to read data off discs. The higher-capacity Green Lantern discs will enable the pirating of high-definition broadcasts, which offer better picture quality than the more broadly available TV broadcasts.

Sony is currently attempting to improve manufacturing yields for the lantern, which is currently stymied by an inability to read yellow discs. Once they go into production, the burners will be released to select space-patrolmen in the super-galactic system, with the caveat that they be used as a weapon against the forces of evil and injustice.

Matthew writes: IBM has announced the release of their new ultra-high density blade server system that features IBM’s new “Sling” hot-swap technology (Some folks call it a Kaiser Blade system), which allows individual blades to be replaced by removing a single screw and extending the blade. The new blade server disks are then automatically mirrored (or “shined” in IBM terminology) in less than five minutes. Zero downtime is easily accomplished by implementing clustering between the blades.

Blades are concentrated in a 7 rack unit “shed” capable of holding up to 14 units, thus providing up to 84 servers in a standard rack to create a server “farm”.