SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Vice Chairman Ted Turner, the Dear Leader and second in command of AOL/Time Warner, has fled the organization on the heels of an announced 100 billion dollar loss in 2002.

AOL has been dealing with simmering resentment and open revolt by Time Warner employees since the recent hostile takeover of Time Warner. Two weeks ago, AOL leader Chairman Case announced his own retirement and a democratic referendum to select a new chairperson, but this news has apparently done little to stem the bloodletting.

The Time Warner division has kept the company afloat despite the ongoing rebel operations. The AOL division, once the most powerful New Economy company on the planet, continues to hemorrhage both money and subscribers, creating a humanitarian refugee problem the likes of which have never been seen before.

Cox cable, one of the major receivers of AOL refugees, has asked for relief from the FCC as the company struggles to deal with millions of new subscribers. AOL has made very public pleas for subscribers to stay with the company, even going to the unprecedented step of actually asking them to express their opinions. Despite this, millions still flee the uncertainty of the service provider, and its share price is currently nose-diving to all time lows. The U.S. Government is airlifting its regulatory staff away from the ISP and the state department has listed AOL as a “high risk” destination.

Matthew writes: Steve Jobs has announced that Apple will be re-releasing Mac OS 6.0.7 on March 1st.

“Mac OS 6.0.7 is coming out of the Disney vault this March. There’s been a generation of Mac fans who’ve never seen a single-tasking operating system. They’ve never had to wait for a floppy to format before they could use their computer. They’ve never had to close one program in order to open another. And, they’ve never seen a black-and-white monitor.”

“We’re bringing Mac OS 6.0.7 out of the Disney vault so that Parents can share the memories of this wonderful operating system that they loved as a teenager with their kids. Of course, it won’t be long before Mac OS 6.0.7 goes back into the vault for another 10 years, so be sure to pick up your copy today.”

Apple has not announced whether or not they will be including the floppy drive required to boot the operating system in the package.

Matthew writes: Microsoft’s first use of Klez technology as a proactive security patching mechanism was unveiled Saturday to patch an SQL Server vulnerability. Relabeled “Slammer” for the test, the antivirus promptly brought down major portions of the Internet as it quickly spread to every unpatched MS-SQL server connected to the Internet, causing major disruptions in service for clients, and forcing the mandatory reboot of every SQL server in the world.

According to a Microsoft spokesman, the first use of Klez as a patching tool was a tremendous success, patching a major vulnerability throughout the Internet in just a four-hour period, and causing only minor economic harm to most nations. The only exception was South Korea, which had to be rebooted in its entirety.

Michael writes: Shortly after announcing that they will rename Palladium to “next-generation secure computing base“, Microsoft announced today that it will change the name of the upcoming Windows Server 2003 to “next generation server operating system”.

The Windows name has been tarnished by controversy surrounding Microsoft’s legal battles as well as growing privacy concerns. “This new name will give next generation server operating system the fresh start it needs to get ahead,” said a Microsoft spokesperson. “We previously tried just dropping .NET from the name, but that wasn’t enough.”

Microsoft next generation server operating system, previously known as Windows Server 2003, previously known as Windows .NET Server 2003, previously known as Windows .NET Server, previously known as Windows Server 2002, previously known as Whistler, will be released in April.

Michael writes: Microsoft announced today that it has completed its acquisition of Klez LLC, maker of the Win32.Klez.H virus and several variants. Microsoft plans to use these newly-acquired technologies to enhance the security of Windows systems.

“Klez leveraged the peer-to-peer power of Outlook to achieve #1 status in 2002, and we’re proud to make it part of the Microsoft team,” said Bill Gates in a press conference. “We want to make it clear that the days of Klez causing problems on the net are over, because Klez is no longer a virus. It is now a proactive component of our Trustworthy Computing Initiative.”

Gates described how the company will use Klez technology to replace the current Windows Update feature with a more “prescriptive” approach. “We’ve found that users just don’t want to worry about security fixes. Klez will use ‘push’ technology to bring you the fixes whether you ask for them or not.” Gates also announced that a Linux version of Klez will be available next month as part of their Linux Software Initiative.

Michael writes: The National Football League, responding to concerns that fewer members of the valuable “Geeks 25-54″ market segment than ever will tune in to Super Bowl XXXVII this Sunday, has announced changes to the program designed to attract more geek viewers.

“We usually can count on the halftime commercials to bring in the geek viewers,” said an NFL spokesman. “But this year there are only two dot-com ads - in fact we’re having trouble filling all of the ad space. The geeks are not generally interested in football unless it’s a video game, so we need to find another way to attract these viewers.”

The changes will include more statistics, a webcast of the game, a live audio feed from players, and a live feed from the face-recognition camera in a corner of the screen. Finally, in a bold move, the NFL has replaced Shania Twain’s halftime number with a duet to be sung by departing AOL CEO Steve Case and departing RIAA CEO Hilary Rosen.

Michael writes: The toothbrush has been declared the most indispensable invention of modern times by a survey at MIT, according to this CNN article. The automobile came in second place, followed by the personal computer, the cell phone, and the microwave.

According to ADA spokesman Dr. Richard Price, “You can always update your car or a computer, but you just can’t update teeth.” He later added, “I don’t think many people will say dental floss is one of the great inventions of all time, but the toothbrush alone will not do the job.”

There is no word yet on whether Dell will introduce its own line of toothbrushes, but we think it’s only a matter of time.

[Stories in the True Stories section are not satire. They highlight recent stories in actual news media that are just too silly to satirize.]

Matthew writes: Executives at the California headquarters of RedHat Linux have been stumped by the behavior of coders in the Desktop Environment division. New coders brought in to assist in the migration to KDE have the original Enlightenment coders going very rapidly in circles.

“At first, we had Enlightenment, and that was it. We had a few apps, we were happy. Everything was pretty. People liked looking at us, but admittedly we didn’t do much.”

“When the executives finally decided that they had to introduce the K Desktop Environment or start loosing ground to other distributions, hired six KDE coders and introduced them to the cubicles.

“It wasn’t long before the KDE coders had the Enlightment coders off on a tangent in an attempt to migrate to some mythical place. They’ve been going in circles for weeks now, not even stopping for cokes. It’s weird, and we don’t really know when it’s going to end. We’ve lost complete control.

Matthew writes: A spokesman has announced that the programmer formerly known as Linus Torvalds has changed His name simply to “The Creator“. The name change comes along with numerous statements from The Creator appear to indicate that he may be taking a more active role in the Linux community.

“The Creator would like all of the Linux faithful to understand that this name change is not going to impact the name of Linux, which shall remain as it is, and which shall be called holy, and shall be called first amongst operating systems.”

Along with the name change, The Creator’s spokesperson, Simon Ben Kosiba, announced that pronouns referring to The Creator should be capitalized.

Matthew writes: A seven-year-old boy from Los Angeles, CA, has apparently developed a nuclear bomb using spare parts from his father’s salvage and scrap yard business according to reports from the Los Angeles times and the Department of Energy.

“From what we’ve been able to determine, the boy used parts his father had acquired in some kind of work-for-trade scrapyard enterprise. The father had been buying obsolete ships from the Chinese and Soviet Navies for quite some time, and stripping them for parts. The boy apparently was able to remove enough enriched uranium to cobble together a crude bomb using plans he’d downloaded from the Internet.”

“The whole thing came to light when the child apparently threatened to blow up his school if he didn’t get to go to disneyland. He had the entire school administration kowtowing to him until somebody decided to call the police. Of course, they had no idea how to handle the situation and wisely called the DoE.”

“It’s absolutely incredible that he was able to pull this off—and incredibly dangerous. The entire family is sick, and we have detected radiation signatures from eight blocks away. The site has been declared a superfund cleanup site. We’re just glad we stopped this when we did.