SlashNOT

Matthew writes:

China has been blocking access to SlashNOT for the past three weeks, according to various SlashNOT subscribers in that country. SlashNOT efforts to determine why were slow in coming, but this official response comes from Liu Xu Zhan, of the People’s Ministry for Hygiene and Information Security:

“The PMHIS has blocked SlashNOT for the past 23 days. PMHIS will consider removing the block when the material posted on SlashNOT conforms to the ministry’s guidelines concerning humorous Internet content. The specific article in violation is Title 7, Article 15, Section 4: “Content providers for print media, radio, television, and Internet purporting to be humorous should actually be funny. It is the mission of the PMHIS to protect the People of China from content that breeds moral degradation, contributes to boredom, or fosters malcontentedness, and to sanitize public telephones and Internet kiosks.”

Matthew writes: SlashNOT, the web’s premium Internet portal for Slashdot-themed technical satirical content, announced that it would accept in-article product placements.

SlashNOT Staffer Matthew explains the new policy:

“While browsing the web on my Toshiba Satellite 5104-S607 Pentium 4 laptop computer, I suddenly realized that in-line product placements would be a good source of revenue for SlashNOT. So I fired up my Sharp Zaurus 5500SL Linux-based PDA and fired of an e-mail through our Microsoft Exchange 2000 based mail system running on a Dell PowerEdge 6450 server to a media buyer representing a number of technology companies. He made a few calls, set up some deals, and now we’re able to deliver this exciting new advertising vehicle to our demographic, and even more excited about the revenue it’s generating.”

“I don’t think we need to worry about offending our readers. I think they know to expect this kind of crap from us by now.”

Michael writes: Just how much product placement will movie audiences tolerate? While watching the new James Bond Movie I was only mildly annoyed by the carefully concealed advertisements for Ford and Aston Martin cars, Norelco shavers, Omega watches, and British Airways, but it turned out these were only the tip of the iceberg.

Other sponsors placing products in the film include Sony, Ericsson, Heineken, Samsonite, Finlandia Vodka, Pepsi, Ski-Doo, and even St. Mary’s Hospital.

The most ridiculous part turned out to be the 10-minute Segway scooter chase scene at the climax of the film. Sure, Bond’s souped-up Segway was impressive, but its top speed was still 12.5 MPH, and the entire audience was chanting “Where’s the Aston-Martin?”.

Michael writes: Inspired by the PalmOS-based wristwatch announced last week, Microsoft has announced plans to release a wristwatch PDA based on their Pocket PC platform. “Consumers have told us that PDAs just aren’t small enough, and according to market research people will buy anything that fits on their wrist,” said a Microsoft spokesperson. “It’s a win-win situation.”

Product development has not been without its issues. Reviews of the tiny fonts used on the device are mixed, and the stylus may be too large to select individual items. “We tried a smaller stylus,” said one source, “but it kept poking holes in the screen.” The battery lasts a short 3.1 hours, but a countdown timer feature reminds you to charge the device regularly.

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Michael writes: As Amazon.com begins selling the revolutionary Segway Human Transporter this week, companies in the US and across the world are rushing to develop competing transportation devices that just might be able to give the Segway a run for its money.

“Our product weighs less than half the Segway’s 65 lbs,” says one manufacturer, “is entirely human-powered, and is legal on city streets.” Best of all, its price tag is under $400, compared to the Segway’s $4950 price tag, and it can go twice as fast. It’s already available, and so are products from several competitors.

These companies might have a tough sell ahead, though. Thirty units of the Segway HT will be shipped by this Christmas and the rest will be delivered by next August at a shipping cost of only $99. Segway may have the market cornered, at least until other companies start shipping their four-wheeled motorized models.

Michael writes: The US Immigration Department reported yesterday that it had apprehended several men who entered the United States illegally by using Microsoft .NET Passports. While the details are not clear, border guards apparently thought the passports appeared legitimate. “Microsoft will issue these passports to just about anyone,” said an Immigration official, “and we want to make it clear that they are not valid international passports.”

Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer says the company is shocked that this could happen. “While .NET Passports provide single sign-in and express purchasing in a secure and private way, they are not intended to allow entrance into any territory,” said Ballmer. “But we’d be happy to discuss this with the US Government as a future option.”

Matthew writes: Reviews of Microsoft Train Simulator report that the simulation is stunningly realistic: It’s every bit as boring as real trains.

Earnest Morrow, an engineer on the BNSF line who frequently travels the actual Marias Pass in Montana, confirmed the stunning accuracy of of the Simulation: “Yep. That’s the Marias Pass all right.”

When pressed for details, Mr. Morrow elaborated: “Why in tarnation would anyone bother to make this thing? It’s not as if you’re going to learn to steal a train and run it into a building.”

A Microsoft spokesman confirmed upcoming titles from the company’s famed simulation series: Strip Mine Simulator, Oil Tanker Simulator, and Blast Furnace Simulator.

Matthew writes: His high holiness the most humble and exalted Michael Ramsey, Co-founder, chairman, and CEO of Tivo, and the most reverent L. Gregory Ballard, Esq., CEO of ReplayTV, have announced a state of holy communion between the two companies, negating all past excommunications, law suits, and legal actions without prejudice.

Subscribers to both services rejoiced, rallying in the streets and hugging their former enemies.

“I can’t believe it. For the first time since the invention of the PVR, we can live as brothers.” said TiVo subscriber Alan Cox, hugging ReplayTV subscriber Fred Ackerman. “Just last week, Alan and I were in a heated argument about the relative merits of our PVRs. I was explaining that having no separation of menu buttons for the recorded video and setup screens constituted a heresy–of course Alan disagreed. Now, it’s not a problem. All of our beliefs and preferences menus are equally valid.”

Matthew writes: Samsung and Microsoft have announced a partnership to create an even suckier PDA.

“We’re taking what we learned with running a bloated operating systems on barely adequate hardware and removing much of the feature enabling hardware such as the color screen, hard buttons, sound capability, and slots. We’re also cutting extraneous RAM in half.”

When contacted for comment, a Palm spokesman seemed incredulous. “I don’t know what they’re thinking. Nobody does suck like we do. We’ve had the suck market locked down solid for nearly eight years. We can run our OS on processors that are 1/20th as fast as theirs with 1/32nd the memory. How can they hope to compete with that kind of suck? Don’t make us put these things in cereal boxes.”