SlashNOT

Squid writes: After the Brains in Bahrain competition, which pitted World chess champion Vladimir Kramnik against an expensive computer named Deep Fritz, ended in a stalemate this week, its organizers have scheduled a new game in which Kramnik will face a giant robot.

“Let’s face it,” said a spokesman for Einstein Group, who organized the event, “We spent lots of money promoting this and it ended up making Man-Machine Chess look as exciting as tic tac toe. We think Kramnik owes us a contest worth watching.”

At this writing, it was uncertain whether Kramnik would accept the challenge. “While he is used to battling computers,” said his agent, “he is a bit wary of the laser death-ray eyes and the pulverizing grip of this particular model.” Organizers are hoping to entice Kramnik by offering him his choice of ray gun.

Squid writes: Microsoft plans to launch its new Tablet PC standard on November 7th. According to Bill Gates, “Within five years it will be the most popular form of PC sold in America.” While this may seem overly optimistic, Microsoft assured reporters that it has the marketing muscle to make this happen.

“First of all, we’re encouraging hardware manufacturers to stop producing keyboards, since only the most advanced users need them,” said a Microsoft spokesperson. “We’re also lobbying world governments to implement a ban on the letters ‘L’ and ‘Z’, since our handwriting recognition software has trouble with them.”

Once this is accomplished, the Tablet PC will be a guaranteed success, according to Microsoft. “After that, all we need to do is get more hardware manufacturers on board, ressurrect the PC industry and the US economy, and convince everyone that a 2000-dollar tablet PC is better than their current notebook“.

Matthew writes: TiVo, the company that originated the Personal Video Recorder (PVR) and is soon to achieve actual profitability, fended off accusations that it is more of a mind-control cult than a subscriber-based device of unexplainable benefit. When confronted by reporters about a recent increase in inexplicable behavior from TiVo subscribers, a spokesman said, “TiVo has nothing to do with mind control. TiVo does not believe in mind control. You should not use the term mind control in your reports. Tivo has nothing to do with mind control.”

Questions began arising shortly after TiVo held it’s first annual “virtual crusade” by delivering a recorded message from “The TiVo Guy”, an animated spokesgraphic, to all subscribers. Most subscribers, already “tivoted” to their PVRs, watched enrapt as the TiVo guy explained the new features of the newly “tivolved” Series 2 PVRs. Until watching the virtual crusade, most TiVotees simply harangued their unwashed coworkers and friends at parties about the amazing life-altering experience of watching a Tivo.

Matthew writes: Stung by recent news that a Mac to XP switch story featured on Microsoft.com was a fabrication (by a Microsoft sub-employee who claims to have switched but apparently didn’t know that Office and Internet Explorer are available and commonly used on Macs, and also apparently models for stock photos), Microsoft has removed the article from their site and announced a 1 million dollar reward for the true story of a Mac user who has switched to XP.

“The story on our web site was inspired by a true story. We just haven’t identified the inspiration yet. Toward that end, we’re offering a 1 million dollar reward to any ‘real’ mac user who has switched to XP”.

So far, 370 people have come forward, but upon investigation it was revealed that they merely knew Mac users and had occassionally used AOL on their friend’s Macs.

“I want to be clear that we’re looking for people who have actually used Macs as their primary computers, and then switched to XP prior to hearing about this bounty.” said Steve Ballmer. He noted that so far, they had not found anyone who met that criteria.

Matthew writes: The troubles encountered by LindowsOS, a version of Linux that includes a default WINE configuration which allows users to run some Windows applications natively in Linux, are not over. Lindows recently prevailed in the suit brought against them by Microsoft for somehow infringing on Microsoft’s non-trademark Windows, but remains a target for intellectual property owners.
Actor Delroy Lindo, whose films include Ransom and Cider House Rules, has sued the troubled distribution for infringing on the name of the operating system he personally developed for the Psion Organizer II in 1990 and which he called “Lindo’s OS”. Unlike the Microsoft suit, LindowsOS is clearly similar to the name of Mr. Lindo’s operating system, and Mr. Lindo was successful in trademarking the name in both the UK and the US. There is speculation that Mr. Lindo’s inability to successfully market the operating system had a lot to do with his decision to become an actor.
Claiming that the infringement significantly damages the market value of his operating system, Mr. Lindo is asking for 750,000 in damages or a role in Guy Ritchie’s next film.

Squid writes: Inspired by the Xbox Linux Project, who successfully turned a 200-dollar game console into a 200-dollar Linux computer, a group of intrepid Belgian hackers have most of the Linux kernel running on an Atari 2600. “Not all potential Linux users can afford an Xbox,” said project leader Jean-Paul Lejeune. “Now, using only an Atari 2600, mouse, keyboard, hard drive, RAM, circuit board, EPROM burner, PIC programmer, and some duct tape, you can get Linux up and running in just a few days.”

The team still has much work ahead. So far, 2600 Linux can boot LILO, load most of the kernel, and core dump. The video display works, but currently shows Space Invaders graphics instead of text. The next build is slated to include the keyboard interface and the first eight letters of the character set.

tillman writes: Flashnot is a regular feature of Slashnot that looks back at the history of computing.

The year was 200 A.D., Septimius Severus was Emperor, and Windows 200 was released. Consisting of a large rock wall with a hole in it, Windows 200 was marketed as both a firewall and a commerce portal–the first such product to incorporate security and accessibility in a single product.
The market for Windows 200 was limited to the Roman Empire by restrictive export laws that controlled any technology that could be used to block the entrance to a crypt. This delayed its deployment amongst European tribes until the collapse of the empire.
Windows 200 remained popular until the much delayed release of Windows 1522, which incorporated new transparency features, a security management system referred as “lock and key”, and the MoveableType font rendering system.

Matthew writes: A Spokesperson for Microsoft today confirmed the company’s long term follow-on product name for .NET Server. To be referred to as .LIP Server, the product is the first major developtment to be named in the wake of the companies recent Buzzworthy Computing initiative.
“.LIP Server delivers on the promise of promise itself. With this archictiture, we’ll be years ahead of where we are now.” Microsoft has confirmed a 2006 release date for the server product.
Chief Software Architect Bill Gates had this to say about .LIP: “We don’t have the user-centricity until we understand context, which is way beyond presence–presence is the most trivial notion of context.” An aide clarified that sentence as “.LIP Embraces what we delivered with .NET and extends it into the Enterprise.”
Microsoft has registered a proposal with ICANN to host a .LIP tld to become the premier virtual marketspace for .LIP related services and information.

Squid writes: Byte Magazine has released its preliminary 2003 Geek Who’s Who list. In the latest editition, they have delisted several notable geek icons, including Borland’s Phillipe Kahn and Novell’s Ray Noorda. In an even more controversial move, Apple’s Steve Wozniak, Atari’s Nolan Bushnell, Commodore’s Jack Tramiel, and even Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen are missing from the new list.

When contacted by SlashNot, BYTE Magazine refused comment, claiming that they had gone out of business five years ago.

Squid writes: Intel announced today that it is planning several additional processors in its 64-bit Itanium line. The current Itanium models have already sold well over six units according to an Intel sales report, and are receiving many accolades from the press.

The next processors will have incrementally faster clock speeds and bug fixes, and will be named Irconium, Anadium, and Anganese. Rumors of a DRM-enabled chip called Alladium have not yet been confirmed. “We’re also switching to this naming scheme for our lower-end processors,” said an Intel spokesperson. Upcoming Pentium 4 replacements include Ilver, Old, and Opper.