Obesity epidemic linked to widescreen televisions

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday March 14, 2006 @11:16PM

from the monkey-see-monkey-do dept.

TV

matthew writes: The obesity epidemics in Japan and America have been statistically linked to the sell-through of wide-screen televisions. Designed for the 16:9 aspect ratio of High Definition television, but typically used with the 4:3 aspect ratio of typical NTSC broadcast TV, researchers have found that the wide screen televisions have modified the typical consumer’s body image expectations.

Dr. Yoshitaka Takahashi explains.

“Because most consumers don’t want to miss any portion of the television show, and don’t want to see black bars on the side of their television, they use the stretch mode to display regular television across the entire panel.”

“This has a dramatic affect on the westerner’s programmed body image: The wide screen stretching makes actors look about 50 lbs. heavier than they actually are by broadening their torso, hips, legs, and facial features. After watching these ‘heavyset’ actors for a few years, consumers see additional weight as normal and desirable. They attempt to match the image in the mirror to the stretched image on the Television.”

“The solution is quite obvious: Rotate the panel on it’s side and stretch the image to fit. Five years from now, Kate Moss will look fat.”

ABC debuts "The Mormon Bachelor"

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday February 15, 2006 @05:23PM

from the right-to-blaspheme dept.

TV

Matthew writes: It’s no surprise that ABC has the second most popular reality series (after CBS’s “Survivor”) in their “The Bachelor/The Bachelorette” series. They’re bending the rules with the next installment: “The Mormon Bachelor”

As fans know, “The Bachelor/ette” is a round-robin simple elimination show where an attractive person is presented with 25 members of the opposite sex to choose from, and cuts the field in half basically every episode. The first night, 12 are cut, then 6, 3, 1, and 1 resulting in a single finalist whom the contestant may propose to.

Producer Charles Tumult explains: “We looked for a gamble—something we could do that said ‘alternative lifestyle’ without being gay, because that alienates our core demographic of women who identify themselves as vaguely Christian. When we hit on polygamy, we knew it would be reality television gold.”

“The Mormon Bachelor” differs in that The Bachelor chooses when to end the show: With 13 brides, 7, 4, or 2. If it gets down to one, I think we’d be disappointed from a ratings standpoint.”

Jedi switching Councils

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday August 2, 2005 @09:52AM

from the kooks-of-a-feather dept.

TV

Matthew writes: The latest UK census has revealed that tens of thousands of Registered Jedi have been converting to the Religion of The Lords of Cobol.

Marvin Bottle, aka Cdr. Frank “Toaster Count” Boomer of Gold Viper Squadron of the Battlestar Pegasus (Birmingham), explains:

The scriptures speak of a time when the followers of The Force would follow the Arrow of Apollo to the tomb of Athena, as is foretold in the Episodes of Scifithius. The Council of the Twelve now provide guidance for new converts, as opposed to the Jedi Council, which, as you know, has now been destroyed by the war in the heavens.”

Census takers have been provided with DVDs of the complete 1st Season as part of their sensitivity training.

UPN green lights "Star Trek: The Same Generation"

Posted by Matthew on Monday April 18, 2005 @11:28AM

from the tried-and-still-trying dept.

TV

matthew writes: Following their string of mediocre sequels to “Star Trek: The Series That Didn’t Used To Have To Be Subtitled”, Paramount/UPN has announced that they are ending the run of Enterprise¯ and replacing it next season with a series set in the same time period as ST:TSTDUTHTBS.

Titled “Star Trek: The Same Generation” or “ST:TSG”, the series will be set on the Starship Exeter in the same time period as the original series, even occasionally running into the USS Enterprise in its travels.

The first episode will feature a gimmick return trip to 21st Century earth, where the primitive inhabitants have become enslaved by a giant globe spanning computer network, having lost the ability to obtain food, pair-bond, procreate, or satisfy their need for moderately funny satire without computers. After destroying the nexus of the computer network known only as the enigmatic “Cisco”¯, the crew is surprised to find that rather than being grateful, the inhabitants are enraged and their economy has fallen into ruin. Smug with their success, the crew beams back into orbit, while the primitive inhabitants vow never to let Rick Berman or Brandon Brega produce a series again.

Martha Stewart Thug Living

Posted by Matthew on Friday July 23, 2004 @12:32PM

from the The-hate-u-give dept.

TV

Mearzuh writes: With recent developments sending media mogul Martha Stewart to prison for the next five months, her followers and loyal fans already don’t know what to do with themselves during the hour “Martha Stewart Living” was on every day. Housewives all across the country are panicking claiming their life has no meaning without Martha.
Fans needn’t worry. An official spokesman said yesterday that Martha will have a live webcam setup in her cell which she will use to broadcast her daily show titled “Martha Doing (Things In Her Spare) Time”, replacing “Martha Stewart Living” for a while. She will most likely be using the webcam you see in advertisements all over the web; the one that everyone knows about but nobody wants to buy, in an effort to help that company out as well.
Here is a list of topics planned for the show:

  • Decorating concrete
  • Creative foods from bread, water, and mashed potatoes
  • Excercise options in a 6’x 6′ room
  • Decorative window dressings with cigarettes
  • Soap carving with your fingernails
  • Stainless Steel toilet doilies
  • Creative ways of finding customer support for the webcam that is used to transmit the show
With the total change of her career Martha says that she is “not afraid”. She believes that most of her followers won’t notice any difference anyway, except for her change in clothes which will stay mostly orange for the next five months.

Fox debuts "That 90's Show"

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday October 8, 2003 @01:02AM

from the Gone-but-Not-Forgotten dept.

TV

Mathew writes: Fox has announced the first of its mid-season replacement series: “That 90’s Show”, A family comedy set in a simpler time.

The father works as an accountant-turned-web-programmer, whose antics in struggling to understand HTML before his 26-year-old boss realizes that he doesn’t deserve his 120,000 salary is rich fodder for humor. The mother, also a web-programmer but for a different company, delights the audience with her constant attempts to describe her employers business model. Their discussions are peppered with period business jargon you may remember, such as “synergize”, “paradigm”, and “extreme”.

The older brother is hysterical with his constant period lingo, offering to “rip mp3s”, “burn CDs”, and use his “mad skillz” to break into computers over the Internet, which was not illegal at that time.

Background humor such as the television reporting on a sex-crazed happy-go-lucky President who has no significant problems to deal with rounds out the period setting.

FCC Chairman converts to Cult of the Holy TiVo

Posted by Matthew on Saturday January 11, 2003 @10:55AM

from the life-follows-satire dept.

TV

Matthew writes: In a bizarre statement that’s just too hysterical to be true (but is), FCC Chairman Michael Powell confirmed that his new TiVo was his favorite Christmas present, and that it is “God’s Machine”. His statements seem to confirm that he has joined the TiVo faithful, and more importantly, that SlashNOT was right about TiVo all along.

As reported numerous times in Slashnot, TiVo faithful (or TiVotees) have shown increasingly bizarre behavior recently. But the conversion of the most important person in television industry regulation to the Cult of TiVo has dire implications for the Cult’s enemies. Powell has already stated publicly that he would like to share TiVo recordings with family members. In related news, MPAA chairman Jack Valenti was found curled up in the fetal position in his office and was unresponsive to co-workers.

TiVo expands into the Enterprise

Posted by Matthew on Thursday December 5, 2002 @10:59AM

from the ready-for-prime-time dept.

TV

Matthew writes: TiVo, the maker of popular video recorders, has announced a new line of enterprise ready network attached storage devices.

“We bringing a lot of value added to the enterprise market. As anyone can tell you, TiVos are by far the most reliable device containing a hard disk drive ever made. They run 24×7, they never crash–they’ve got 99.9999% uptime dialed. You can’t get those reliability numbers from traditional servers.”

“Plus, we’re bringing our pattern detection technology to the Enterprise as well. Just like the way a TiVo will recommend shows that fit your demographic, TiVo servers will recommend documents you’re going to want to read. If you’ve been reading a lot of gossip about Janice in HR in your e-mail, TiVo is going to recommend documents that contain Janice’s name on the hard disk.”

New Tivo Servers are expected to debut at $2999, with a $125/month fee for maintaining a directory of files on the device.

TiVo, Replay in communion, schizm resolved

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 11, 2002 @11:50PM

from the not-since-1054-ad dept.

TV

Matthew writes: His high holiness the most humble and exalted Michael Ramsey, Co-founder, chairman, and CEO of Tivo, and the most reverent L. Gregory Ballard, Esq., CEO of ReplayTV, have announced a state of holy communion between the two companies, negating all past excommunications, law suits, and legal actions without prejudice.

Subscribers to both services rejoiced, rallying in the streets and hugging their former enemies.

“I can’t believe it. For the first time since the invention of the PVR, we can live as brothers.” said TiVo subscriber Alan Cox, hugging ReplayTV subscriber Fred Ackerman. “Just last week, Alan and I were in a heated argument about the relative merits of our PVRs. I was explaining that having no separation of menu buttons for the recorded video and setup screens constituted a heresy–of course Alan disagreed. Now, it’s not a problem. All of our beliefs and preferences menus are equally valid.”

TiVo claims it is not a cult

Posted by Michael on Friday October 18, 2002 @10:26PM

from the unknown dept.

TV

Matthew writes: TiVo, the company that originated the Personal Video Recorder (PVR) and is soon to achieve actual profitability, fended off accusations that it is more of a mind-control cult than a subscriber-based device of unexplainable benefit. When confronted by reporters about a recent increase in inexplicable behavior from TiVo subscribers, a spokesman said, “TiVo has nothing to do with mind control. TiVo does not believe in mind control. You should not use the term mind control in your reports. Tivo has nothing to do with mind control.”

Questions began arising shortly after TiVo held it’s first annual “virtual crusade” by delivering a recorded message from “The TiVo Guy”, an animated spokesgraphic, to all subscribers. Most subscribers, already “tivoted” to their PVRs, watched enrapt as the TiVo guy explained the new features of the newly “tivolved” Series 2 PVRs. Until watching the virtual crusade, most TiVotees simply harangued their unwashed coworkers and friends at parties about the amazing life-altering experience of watching a Tivo.

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