SlashNOT

Mearzuh writes: After the big DOT-COM layoffs, the airline layoffs and other mass layoffs, corporate employers are searching for faster, easier, cheaper, and more heartless ways of dismissing their loyal employees when quarterly profits don’t meet Wall Street expectations. They have found hope in a new technology called eSlips.

eSlips uses Microsoft’s Exchange Server technology to bulk e-mail layoff notices to easily created lists of employees. Using eSlip’s patented one-click fire button, all an employer has to do is click it, and voila: up to 100,000 people at a time are laid off. Strong Active Directory integration means that entire Organizational Units can be laid off simply by disabling their user accounts.

The laid-off employees receive a pink email informing them of their misfortune. Optionally, employers may add links to jobseeking websites within the eSlip. Employers are raving about this new software, and Apple, Inc is already working on its own version, called iSlip, which is targeted towards students and web developers who want to dump their friends or significant others.

Matthew writes: The Japanese government has been quietly seeding hundreds of research projects into robotic technology. Each company starts up producing cutesy home-helper robots that are mostly useless, and develops into an industrial manufacturer of somewhat more useful devices.

Japanese citizens have joined in the fun, forming robot pilot clubs to learn how to drive the devices and gain experience in their use.

“I would like to assure our neighbors in the Pacific rim, especially the United States and China, that these robots are being developed and manufactured in mass for benign purposes such as search and rescue, and in no way indicate a return to Japan’s Glorious Imperial past of divinely inspired valorous conquest of the world’s inferior races. There is nothing for anyone to worry about in Japan.”

“At current manufacturing rates, we will have one rescue robot for every member of the Japanese Self Defense Force, thus relieving humans of the dangers of search and rescue, fire suppression, and preemptive defense.”

Matthew writes: The U.S. Army has just awarded a contract to develop a robot with the form factor of a canine that can follow soldiers into battle and carry their equipment. This development, along with a serpentine robot designed to assist with mechanical repairs, a lobster-like robot designed to search for mines, and an insect-like robot designed for remote surveillance, supports the Army’s philosophy of developing friendly seeming helper robots that lack the physical attributes necessary to enslave humanity.

Ben Krupp, president of Yobotics, explains: “Yes, we could just develop a robotic soldier instead of an array of simulated animals. But we’ve gone through the simulations a number of times here and at DARPA, and the end-game scenarios when using fully articulated multipurpose robots are—well, let’s just say that they are not good for humans.”

“The canine form factor is perfect for us, because as soon as the robot attempts to use a limb to pick up a weapon, it falls over.”

Matthew writes: When Wilbur and Orville Wright first took flight on a blustery day at Kitty Hawk and subsequently ditched in the soft sand twelve seconds later, they could only dream about the the impact their invention would have on future generations.

“The odds of an individual dying in a major airline disaster are about one in seven million, which are about the same odds as winning a major lottery prize. Every time you buy an airline ticket, you’re playing a macabre lottery. I just tell people to cross their fingers and hope!” says Delta Airlines pilot and great-grand-nephew of the Wright brothers Alex Treeburger.

Many of the innovators of powered flight died in their contraptions. In fact, Wilbur and Orville were inspired to build their flyer by news reports of the death of gliding pioneer Otto Lilienthal. With the competition dropping like flies, Wilbur and Orville persisted, but were eventually out-competed by flight tragedy innovators like Curtiss, who invented the first warplane—adding a whole new dimension to the destructive power of flight. Wilbur, tragically, was killed by Typhoid fever before he could kill him self flying. Orville had to stop flying after badly injuring his back in an airplane accident, and was also unable to see his dream through to fruition.

Matthew writes: Dear SlashNOT

I’m writing to you because I don’t know who else to turn to. I’m trapped in an abusive relationship. When I first met Bluetooth, I was very skeptical and ignored the marketing claims. But I knew other people thought Bluetooth was cool, so I figured that there must be something I’m not seeing. I decided to give it a whirl. First I bought a bluetooth wireless headset for my cell phone. The idea of a low-power wireless headset made me giddy with excitement. Af first, it was wonderful. But then it started screeching at me if I went even a few feet away from it. Then, the battery started giving out, and I felt like I was chained to charging it every 90 minutes. I kept having to pair the headset with the transceiver–it would somehow “forget” about it’s relationships. Anyway, I made excuses, like “Well, the audio quality isn’t great, but Bluetooth should work fine for something like a wireless mouse.”

So I had a Bluetooth transceiver installed in my laptop and I picked up a Microsoft Bluetooth mouse. I was excited about having a mouse that didn’t require a cord or a USB dongle hanging of my laptop–who wouldn’t be? But the honeymoon didn’t last long, and this turned out to be an even more painful experience. After I finally got the security setting set up on my laptop to get it to pair with my mouse, the tracking quality was just terrible. The cursor would pause before moving and then continue after the mouse stopped! This made it basically impossible to reliably point to anything. I was so ashamed that I stopped hanging out online with my friends. I didn’t want anyone to see what I was dealing with at home.

I even bought a Mac to try to make things work. Granted, that did end a lot of the annoying behaviors, but the core problems are still there. At this point, I’m so heavily invested in Bluetooth devices that I just don’t know if I have the courage to leave it. I don’t know if I trust myself to even choose a simple, decent wireless protocol that maybe has less features but would be reliable and wouldn’t “forget” about it’s relationships. Is there anything I can do to make my device pairings work reliably, or should I give up and move on to other wireless protocols?

JT in San Diego

Moondog writes:

Matthew writes: Excerpts from Slashnot author Michael’s recent historic trip to Comdex in Las Vegas.

“I’m stepping out of my Jetta now. That’s one small step for me, one giant step for a cricket. Okay, I’m looking out over the landscape now. It’s barren, rocky. Not much to talk about. I’m entering the Las Vegas Convention Center. Okay, I’m now amongst some interesting formations that consist of some channel-like areas between what I’m going to describe as booths.”

“The whole place seems dead. It’s devoid of any sort of advanced technology, or anything particularly interesting. I’ve been taking samples of some of the booth formations, consisting of small yo-yo like objects and T-shirts. Hopefully, the samples will turn up something interesting.”

“My life-support Coke is running low now, so I’m going to head back and replenish before I run out.”

Matthew writes: China launched it’s first manned mission to space aboard a Long March rocket with a capsule that will orbit the Earth 14 times in it’s bid to become the just the 3rd Nation in the world to do so, after the former Soviet Union and the United States.

“This shows to the world that we are now just 40 years behind the United States,” said Defense Minister Zhan Li Zhao. “At our current rate of development, we’ll be just 20 years behind them in another 40 years, and ready to begin testing our own Space Shuttle. Our projections show that within 100 years, we’ll be at technological parity with them, and will have abandoned Space development completely.”

Matthew writes: Monkeys have developed cybernetic limbs, the third phase in their four phase plan for global dominance.

“This bodes well for our plans.” signed the enigmatic Koko, leader of the Simian Liberation Front, as she gently stroked her cat’s fur. “We again have seduced the humans into expanding our range of abilities. Now that we have achieved space flight, learned sign language, and acquired cybernetic limbs, we have only one remaining hurdle before our natural ascension as the dominant species on Earth can be fulfilled.

Koko indicated that any scientists wishing to test trigger locks on fully automatic weapons should contact the Simian Liberation Army of Volunteer Experiment Subjects.

Matthew writes: Las Vegas resident Roy Johnson was attacked today by his Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner, which apparently became confused when the man tripped in the room while the vacuum was running.

“Before he could do anything, the Roomba scuttled up to him and got that little plastic spinning brush thing caught in his hair.” Said close friend Ziggy Schimdt. “Roy shrieked in pain and jumped up, but the vacuum just kept winding his hair tighter. It was on him like the impregnation creature from Alien. He fell back over, and the Roomba dragged him towards the door. It took a few minutes to get the thing turned off. We had to cut his hair out of it. There was hair everywhere.”

Roy’s remaining hair is in stable but serious condition after hair dressers styled around the patchy bald spot as best they could. The Roomba is being confined to an unused bedroom until repairs are completed.