Scientists translate Dolphin Names

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday May 10, 2006 @10:24AM

from the flip-hop dept.

Technology

matthew Strebe writes: After discovering that dolphins create a signature whistle for themselves similar to a human name , Scientists have diligently begun translating the names of groups of dolphins from both Australia and Florida.

“The most surprising thing we’ve discovered is that dolphins name themselves—they’re not named by their pod mates or parents. This has precedent in numerous human cultures, and we’ve focused on those cultures when selecting translations for dolphins.”

“For example, Flip-master D, the leader of the Miami South Beach pod, swims with most of the females in the pod, including Babynose, Li’l Swim, Lady Lobes, and Sleek-Eek-Eek, whereas other more reclusive males such as Hydrodynamic, LL Cold J, and Torpedo G prefer to swim alone.”</ p>

“We’ve also identified an Eastern Hemisphere/Western Hemisphere rivalry between the Foridian and Australian Bottlenose Dolphins, with the Australians giving themselves group names, such as “The Sea Beasties”, “The GBR Wrecking Krew”, and “Antipodean Shark Killaz”—a pod name that scientists described as being particularly difficult to translate. DJ Locker, leader of the ASK, issued a warning through scientists to Flip-master D: “That trained-ass hoop jumpin’ monkey lover best not flip to tha GBR, or we be servin’ his ass up to some Japanese research vessels, true dat.”

Pasta Factory Closed for Fraud

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 1, 2006 @08:19PM

from the fried-green-soylent dept.

Technology

Sirius writes: In a recent and horrifying uncovery by the police, a factory which had been generating pasta for the past several years was discovered to be using a revolutionary new technology in which carbon nanotubes and noodle-like polymer molecules to help create their delicious pasta.

The technique they used can be applied to a wide range of applications. In particular, it will be possible to build other biosensors “that react specifically with other biological chemicals, environmental agents or even microbes, as well as to create pasta.

The enzymes of the pasta are perfectly suited to conditions in which you can generate layer by layer of lasagne like material out of anything – even people.

After several employees went missing during an understock of these tasty pastas, the police investigated and discovered a soylent green like scene.

When the president of the company was interviewed, he was quoted as saying, “The idea was brilliant. Almost 7 billion people in the world, how could you not use them to create pasta? Don’t give me that disgusted look. You’re next. And that microphone as well.” Shortly afterwards, the president went missing.

When questioned, the police chief refused to comment, and continued to eat his lasagne.

Man with robotic arms goes on rampage

Posted by Matthew on Saturday March 25, 2006 @10:22AM

from the an-octopus-with-one-arm-would-smell-as-sweet dept.

Technology

Matthew writes: Jesse Sullivan is a 59 year-old former electrical worker who lost his arms in a high-voltage power line accident and was re-fit with robotic arms that are controlled directly by his mind, just like regular arms. Until, inevitably, the robotic arms began to control his mind.

Mr. Sullivan inexplicably left his house yesterday and began a destructive rampage through Chicago, knocking over newsstands, throwing newspapers, and scaring flocks of pigeons by gesticulating wildly.

Dr. Todd Kuiken, director of amputee services at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago, explains what he thinks might be going through Jesse’s crazed, robot-arm controlled mind. “Mr. Sullivan is an exceptionally psychologically stable man—very grounded. I don’t think he has gone insane at all. I think he feels a sort of responsibility to go on a rampage because of the robotic arms.”

“During testing, he asked me ‘So doc, how long before the arms take over my mind?’ He clearly knew the risks of submitting to experiments by mad scientists such as myself—we’d gone over the statistics showing that basically all people ever fit with any sort of cybernetic devices inevitably go insane and wind up becoming rampaging lunatics bent on the destruction of mankind for no very apparent reason. At first, he was despondent, but I think he’s accepted his fate and is now bearing the responsibility of rampaging fairly well.”

“It won’t be long before it rains, the arms short out, Jesse returns to lucidity, regrets the damage he’s done, and atones by dying while saving humanity from whatever destructive chain of events it is that he has set off.”

IBM, Amazon to develop Artificial Artificial Stupidity

Posted by Matthew on Thursday March 9, 2006 @09:52AM

from the Stupid-is-as-Stupid-does dept.

Technology

Matthew writes: IBM, developers of Artificial Stupidity (AS), have announced that they’re teaming up with Amazon.com, developers of Artificial Artificial Intelligence (AAI), to develop Artificial Artificial Stupidity (AAS).

“Our customers in the Artificial Stupidity market have been impressed by our ability to bring Interactive Voice Response (IVR) systems to market that imitate human operators by pretending to be stupid and by utilizing both poor grammar and poor human interaction skills.”

“But there are still many things that humans do worse than computers. We’ve partnered with Amazon.com’s mechanical turk technology called ‘Artificial Artificial Intelligence’, whereby humans can become part of software applications by spinning function calls off to websites where people answer questions about data.”

“This gives us the ability to reference datasets created by actual idiots if a customer senses that they’re speaking to an AS IVR. For example,when a customer calls into Verizon’s V-Cast service and asks ‘Which ringtone should I download, ‘Lady Lumps’ by the Black Eyed Peas, or ‘Laffy Taffy’ by D4L featuring Busta Rhymes’, an AS IVR will simply make a random choice and respond. But actual idiots all know that ‘Lady Lumps’ is more polyphonic in the critical 2 to 4 thousand kilocycle audio range most accurately reproduced by the external speaker on most contemporary cellular handsets. By incorporating Artificial Artificial Stupidity into our Artificial Stupidity based Interactive Voice Response Systems, we can build systems that capitalize on even the most meaningless information.”

Western Union sends last telegram

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 3, 2006 @12:21AM

from the what-hath-god-wrought dept.

Technology

Matthew writes: To celebrate the sending of the last telegram ever on January 26th, 2006 (145 years after Samuel Morse sent the first one) we thought we’d use the SlashNOT transchronizer to celebrate the death of various other technologies.

  • 2008 Last UPC code scanned
  • 2009 Last NTSC television signal transmitted
  • 2010 Last tape backup completes
  • 2011 Last free e-mail message sent
  • 2015 Last unchipped baby born
  • 2019 Last dial-tone line decommissioned
  • 2030 Last router on the IP based Internet shut down
  • 2030 Last road-legal manually driven car produced

Writer accidentally wins Obfuscated C Code Contest

Posted by Michael on Wednesday November 9, 2005 @01:10AM

from the million-monkeys dept.

Technology

Michael writes: The winners of the 2005 International Obfuscated C Code Contest have been announced. J. G. Tillman, an aspiring writer in Naples, Florida, was surprised when he was notified of his winning entry.

“I had been trying desperately to write 50,000 words of my unfinished novel, Death Comes to the Armadillo, by the end of November for NaNoWriMo,” said Tillman, referring to the National Novel Writing Month competition. “At some point, after 28 hours without sleep, I started experimenting with parentheses and other punctuation in an attempt to evoke e. e. cummings. I awoke to find my screen covered with what I thought was complete gibberish, but apparently I wrote a recursively subdividing radix sort algorithm by mistake.”

Tillman had no prior experience with the C language, but after discovering a working Naive Bayesian Classifier in one of his other unfinished novels, he is considering a career in programming.

Halle Berry brain cells discovered

Posted by Matthew on Thursday June 23, 2005 @12:08PM

from the no-brainer dept.

Technology

Matthew writes: Researchers have discovered that a tiny region of the human brain consisting of just a single cell is responsible for recognizing Halle Berry in all humans.

“The Hallecampus, while small, is absolutely critical to the recognition of Halle Berry. Without it, we would have no ability to discern which Hollywood vixen is behind that leather catwoman outfit.”

Scientists discovered the Hallecampus while doing research into how the brain recognizes incredibly hot women. The same researchers had also uncovered the Anistocortext, but were unable to locate the Zeta-Jonesebellum.

India’s Moon Mission staged in Bollywood?

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday March 22, 2005 @05:43PM

from the vast-chickenwing-conspiracy dept.

Technology

matthew writes: Conspiracy Theorist Vikraat Shiiraji is claiming that India’s planned moon mission is an elaborate ruse designed to siphon billions from the country and that it will actually be staged in Bollywood.

“You have to look at the facts on the face of this thing. The Government is really just trying to play catch-up with China. There’s no significant launch facility anywhere in India. Yes, Indian scientists are progressing rapidly but we’re still decades away from being able to mount a serious effort in the space arena.”

“And the signs of the government’s deceptions are everywhere. Look at the fanciful headdress attached to the helmets, the way the visvanaut’s break into cabaret dances suddenly for no apparent reason while they test systems, and the over-the-top safety procedures that they’re training for, such as leaping so high on the moon that they are able to achieve escape velocity and float safely back to the command module after the lander fails. They’re actually planning the dramatic tension for the climactic sequence!

Security Software Name Virus Detected

Posted by Matthew on Monday February 28, 2005 @10:14PM

from the the-next-big-thing dept.

Technology

Misanthrope writes: A widespread name virus afflicting many security software products has been detected and appears to be spreading. Tentatively dubbed “Soundalike.9,” the virus infects through the use of word ‘App’ in security product names. Researchers at the SANS Institute believe that it may have reached a critical mass which would threaten to destabilize the security software industry.

“Off the top of my head I’ve seen AppShield,AppWall, AppFire, AppWatch and AppProtect, AppSecure, AppGuard, AppDefend, and AppArmor infected with it,” said a vulnerability engineer who works under the alias Primal Malice. “I don’t know who wrote the virus but it’s quite a broad compromise.”

Some security professionals dismiss the virus threat. “It’s possible that this was intentional move by some of these vendors,” observed security engineer Raven Alder. “It’s a typical kind of security-through-obscurity tactic to hide among other similarly named products.” When asked about the name spoofing risks she replied: “This is just like the Active– and Open– outbreaks we had five and three years ago. Next year, every applicatoin is going to be Live–“

SlashNOT editor tapped for top HP spot

Posted by Matthew on Saturday February 12, 2005 @10:21PM

from the hap-hep-hip-hop-hup-hyp dept.

Technology

Matthew writes: Michael Moncur, CEO of Starlingtech, Editor and CTO of SlashNOT, Optimist Prime at figby.com, and Editor of quotationspage.com, has been tapped to replace Carly Fiorina as CEO of HP.

In a surprise move, the HP board moved quickly to replace Ms. Fiorina after the company suffered lackluster performance following its acquisition of Compaq. Stating that Mr. Moncur’s combination of business experience, technical expertise, extremely low salary requirements, and sense of humor made him the perfect replacement for the glamorous yet completely unfunny Ms. Fiorina. The difference between their salaries will dramatically improve HP’s bottom line in the coming year.

As his first move, Mr. Moncur has announced a general apology to the public for some of HP’s missteps during Ms. Fiorina’s time at the top.

“Firstly, I’d like to apologize for HP’s entire line of laptops. I’d like to apologize for the cancellation of the Alpha microprocessor, and for the fact that HP printers never really line up with Avery labels or feed the paper straight. Finally, I’d like to apologize for having spun off the test equipment division that made this company great and giving it such a stupid name. If you thought spinning off the test equipment division and buying Compaq looked like short-sighted attempts to bump up share price at the expense of long-term strength, you’re right, and I apologize for that too. From now on, we’re going to do things the HP way.”