SlashNOT

Squid writes: As a disgruntled former SlashNOT editor, I was shocked to read the supposed 2002 predictions recap story. “90% of our predictions came true”. Right. This kind of disregard for proper journalism is exactly why I left SlashNOT and became disgruntled. For everyone’s enjoyment until someone deletes them, here are SlashNOT’s actual predictions from January 2002:

1. Tablet PCs will become incredibly popular and overtake desktops by the end of 2002.
2. Kenneth Lay will become the new CEO of Novell, which will then buy out HP.
3. Intel’s Itanium processor will saturate the server market and make inroads in desktops.
4. Microsoft will release MS-Linux, a version of Linux that runs over a DOS shell.
5. Slashdot will reinvent itself as a parody of Slashnot.com.
6. Amazon.com will tell the press that Segway scooters are one of its top-selling items, despite the fact that they are not yet available for sale.
7. Our 1000 shares of Pets.com will be worth a fortune.
8. The US government will outlaw Linux, saying that only terrorists use software they don’t pay for.
9. The Justice Department will break up Microsoft into two or three smaller companies. One of the new companies will name itself “Bob”.
10. The Y2K bug will show up three years late at the end of 2002, surprising everyone and causing the destruction of 90% of the world’s computer systems.

We now have a mailing list. If you subscribe, you’ll receive an email up to once a day with links to our latest stories. Read on for information on subscribing.

Since it’s the end of the year, the SlashNOT staff members have each picked their ten favorite stories, and we’ll link them here for those who may have missed them the first time. Here are my favorites for 2002:

• Movie Review: My Big Fat Geek Wedding
• ID quakes the gaming world again
• Intel contracts with Frito-Lay for chip production
• Enterprise Linux released
• Chess champion to fight giant robot
• Microsoft accurately simulates abject boredom
• IBM patents method for protecting Intellectual Property
• Mozilla adds security holes
• The Stashed Review; Tablet PC flans writing recognition
• Intel announces sequels to Itanium processor

Since it’s the end of the year, the SlashNOT staff members have each picked their ten favorite stories, and we’ll link them here for those who may have missed them the first time. Here are Matthew’s favorites for 2002:

• U.S. to add EULA to Dollar Bill
• Enterprise Linux released
• Microsoft seeking two letters cooler than X and P
• Microsoft developing .LIP server
• Playboy.com suspends 35 after Internet usage probe
• Mozilla adds security holes
• TiVo, Replay in communion, Schizm resolved
• Cruelty Free Linux Distro released
• Microsoft renames blue screen of death
• IBM develops artificial stupidity

Most of the stories here are written by Matthew and myself, but we do have other occasional contributors. Here are some of my favorite contributed stories from the last year.

• Schrodinger arrested on cruelty, weapons charges by Daniel
• Navel-Gazing Crypto Researchers Unite Biometrics and Key Generation by Captain Shenanigan
• Bill Gates fires fashion advisor by Farquad
• War Crawling: San Diego by Captain Shenanigan
• Challenging the Megahertz Myth by Nomad7674
• Open Source Pioneers will be abducted by Aliens by Reinhard Gantar
• Redundant Array of Inexpensive Fish by Captain Shenanigan

We welcome further submissions from anyone - as you’re well aware by now, we’re not always funny by ourselves. Sometimes we post stories like this one, and with your help we won’t have to. Read the SlashNOT Writers Guide for hints on writing stories we can use.

Matthew writes: SlashNOT’s anti-hackneyed cliché guidelines were invoked today when SlashNOT staffer Matthew attempted to post a story about Ebay auctioning itself off to the highest corporate bidder in an apparent executive management exit strategy scenario.

SlashNOT staffer Michael explains: “We felt we had to draw the line. We felt we had to raise the bar. And, we felt we had to do something else to the box besides just think outside it. The clichés were like bees to honey in this post. Since we introduced the ranking system and [Matthew] realized that his every post wasn’t a ‘5′, he’s been like a man possessed to write the perfect satirical short.”

A chastened Matthew had this to say: “I’m just glad we have such a stringent peer review process. I mean, the castigation and chastisement of my coworkers was bad enough, but what if our readers had seen the piece? It would have been the Linux trademark fiasco all over again.”

Matthew writes: SlashNOT, the web’s premium Internet portal for Slashdot-themed technical satirical content, announced that it would accept in-article product placements.

SlashNOT Staffer Matthew explains the new policy:

“While browsing the web on my Toshiba Satellite 5104-S607 Pentium 4 laptop computer, I suddenly realized that in-line product placements would be a good source of revenue for SlashNOT. So I fired up my Sharp Zaurus 5500SL Linux-based PDA and fired of an e-mail through our Microsoft Exchange 2000 based mail system running on a Dell PowerEdge 6450 server to a media buyer representing a number of technology companies. He made a few calls, set up some deals, and now we’re able to deliver this exciting new advertising vehicle to our demographic, and even more excited about the revenue it’s generating.”

“I don’t think we need to worry about offending our readers. I think they know to expect this kind of crap from us by now.”

Matthew writes: Slashnot staffer Matthew was recently placed on suspension by his wife after she found playboy.com in the history list of his computer’s web browser.

Failing to buy into his claim that he was researching a story for Slashnot about playboy.com, she announced a zero tolerance policy for bullshit and relegated him to the couch for an undisclosed period. Matthew considered appealing to a higher court, but decided to settle after counsel predicted a low probability of the court buying the story, either, citing as “contemptable and frankly, not very funny” the staffer’s attempt at a cover up by actually posting a satirical piece about the web site in question.

As a paragon of Internet editorial style, Slashnot is leading the way towards cleaning up the fetid linguistic trashpile that is the World Wide Web. Accordingly, we are releasing a series of !style notes in the form of negative examples. We occasionally receive submissions that don’t meet our strict editorial standards. Sometimes, they miss the mark by such a wide margin that they become funny in their own right. On those occasions, we’ve decided to publish them as negative examples of style. The following submission (click Continued) illustrates the following errors of style:

1. Be funny, at least to yourself.
2. Don’t create your submission as a thinly veiled attempt to include your own link. But feel free to do this on other sites using a link to Slashnot.
3. Use a spell checker, a grammar checker, and a reality checker.
4. Don’t use Micro$oft. It’s just not funny anymore.
5. Never misuse the term “unpresidented”.
6. Never refer to “God” as “Gaud”, unless that’s actually the name of your deity.
7. Have at least a passing familiarity with the process that you are satirizing, or plagiarize an article that seems to.
8. Don’t try to include every cliched stereotype you can think of in a single story.

Remember that Slashnot edits all submissions, and that we reserve the right to make fun of you along with everyone else.

We’ve added a new rating system for stories. To rate any story from 1 (bad) to 5 (good), just click on the 1 2 3 4 5 links below the story. There’s also a “Top Rated” sidebar on the Home page that displays the top-rated stories. (Even a story rated ‘1′ by several people is considered higher-rated than one that didn’t get rated at all. Any attention is good attention.)

I’ll eventually add a display of rankings to the Archive page so you can quickly find the ‘best’ stories. Currently we allow one rating vote per story per IP address. Eventually we’ll fix it to be a bit more sophisticated, so all you AOL users on the same proxy address will have separate votes.