Best of SlashNOT! Contributors

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 10, 2006 @09:01AM

from the show-me-the-monkey dept.

SlashNOT

Matthew writes: The Best of SlashNOT! is now availalbe from iUniverse Press (annoying permanent ad coming soon…) and from Amazon.com.

Did your post make the cut to show up in print? Click more to read the list of authors (Besides Matthew, Michaal, and Charles) and their contributed stories that were included in the book. Mearzuh is the big winner (no surprise there) with 11 stories that will now contribute to our personal gain! And if sales are good, we’ll publish “Volume II: The Rest of SlashNOT!”

Read the rest of this entry »

The Best of SlashNOT!

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday November 23, 2005 @04:00PM

from the Selling-Out-Loud dept.

SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Infamous tech satire site SlashNOT has announced the imminent publication of “The Best of SlashNOT”, a 450-page book of the funniest of SlashNOT from the inception of the site until the posting just before this one.

Lovingly annotated with exclusive, never before published sardonic footnotes about the stories, comments, and commentators, the book provides detailed insights into the strange minds behind SlashNOT. Best of all, it’s presented in funniest to least funny order according to the scientifically accurate SlashNOT rating system—so you can stop reading when the book stops being funny, secure in the knowledge that you haven’t missed a thing.

The book includes stories submitted by our readers as well as comments from the SlashNOT commentary choir (with last names and e-mail domains removed for your privacy), except the ones we deleted because they were stupid, because we didn’t like the author, were spam, or because we needed to fit a specific page count. So if you’ve contributed, you’ll definitely want copies of this amazing keepsake of your ridiculous SlashNOT handle. And if you haven’t contributed, simply pick a handle in the book and tell your progeny that you were that person! They won’t know the difference, and we will never tell—that’s our promise to you.

The best of SlashNOT is the perfect gift for both technical satire lovers and for beautiful people, as it will also make a decorative and customizable table leg prop that will last for generations to come.

The Book of SlashNOT will be available for order from this site, from Amazon.com, and at Barnes & Noble in the coming weeks. Be sure to by numerous copies, as we’d hate to have to shut the site down out of spite like the SatireWire guy did.

Oh, and we’re on hiatus for a few weeks while we port the site to a different and more online-casino-spam-proof back-end and prepare the book for publication. But don’t worry: We’re still writing humorous shorts, and will unleash a torrent of sarcasm the likes of which the world has only infrequently known upon our return in January.

Satire Site Confounded

Posted by Captain Shenanigan on Friday April 1, 2005 @05:32PM

from the What-the-heck-is-going-on? dept.

SlashNOT

Noted technology satire portal SlashNot disappointed loyal readers by posting neither a scathing caricature of traditional news nor an unexpectedly serious article on April 1st, the traditional day for pranks and spoofs.

“Well, what can we do?” replied Slashnot spokesman Matthew, when queried about the site’s lack of new material. “We’re supposed to be a parody site. That doesn’t work if the thing I’m trying to lampoon of is already fake, and with the Internet so full of crap today it’s hard to find a good story to make fun of.”

“Take the top story on SlashDOT right now–EU to Ban Macs. Like THAT’s going to happen. The EU might ban English, or the Dollar, but not the Mac. Steve Jobs is half French, after all.”

“Even the traditional media is getting into the act,” Matthew continues. “The San Francisco Chronicle has announced that Wolfowitz has been confirmed as World Bank chief. Now that’s a little off our usual topic, but it shows just how far things have gone.”

“What it comes down to is this–on April 1st, everybody else is doing our job for us.”

SlashNOTES: Only You can save SlashNOT

Posted by Matthew on Monday February 28, 2005 @10:21PM

from the blatant-extortion dept.

SlashNOT

Matthew writes:

<p/> I’ve been writing SlashNOT for three years now. I really like SlashNOT. But I swear, if you don’t donate a dollar to SlashNOT, I will eat it. You can see how funny and satirical SlashNOT is. Don’t you want to help save SlashNOT?

I’ve got a bunch of recipes picked out, including Hassenslashnot, SlashNOT under tooled leather with an Orange glace, A nice SlashNOT zuppa, and SlashNOT with fava beans. I haven’t decided which recipe I’m going to use yet, but on June 30th, if I haven’t gotten $ 50,000 in donations then I’m going to eat SlashNOT.

Some of you might be saying “How can he eat SlashNOT? SlashNOT is a website.” Yes, it’s true that SlashNOT has no physical manifestation. I don’t actually even know where the server that hosts it is, other than that its somewhere in Virginia which is like 3,000 miles away from me. So I’m going to print out the entire site and eat it if you don’t donate one dollar to saving me from eating SlashNOT.

SlashNotes: SlashNOT is not your blog

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday February 1, 2005 @06:23PM

from the so-what,-you-reap dept.

SlashNOT

To: whomever@NOSPAMyahoo.com
CC: everyone@NO
SPAMaol.com
Subj: SlashNOT is not your blog

Please stop posting your self absorbed, pedantic, bathetic, observations about other sef-absorbed pedantic bathetic people in your trivial life here. They won’t get posted. Slashnot is moderated—only content that is “actually funny” gets through. We all have coworkers that suck, mothers that smother, fathers that ignore, cats that die, lego creations that we think are the coolest thing ever (okay, maybe that’s just me), observations about how nobody else seems to really understand database normalization deeply, and our own bizarre shell scripting language preferences, and the realization that high-tech Japanese toilets reveal that an entire culture can be more than a little anally obsessed. But no matter how life-altering those observations are to you, they’re just whiney, unimaginative, pedestrian observations that literally everyone else has. So go get an account on blogger or livejournal and post your crap there for nobody to read.

P.S. Click Continue to read the submission that prompted this rant. Read the rest of this entry »

ForwardSlash: SlashNOT Predictions for 2005

Posted by Matthew on Saturday January 1, 2005 @04:32PM

from the back-to-the-trite-movie-puns dept.

SlashNOT

Matthew writes: In keeping with SlashNOT’s tradition of annual prognostication about the coming year, we are proud to present SlashNOT’s Predictions for 2005:

  1. “On-Shoring” will be the hot new business practice after companies realize that they can save millions by employing who speak the same languages as their customers.
  2. SCO will die. Nobody will notice until business park neighbors smell something.
  3. Apple will introduce a Macintosh that costs less than an iPod.
  4. Y0ur s1ster wi11 no l0n ger ha ve the p ain, or a 3 .25 % m0rt gage ratE.
  5. IBM will acquire Sun, and then “open source” Sun CEO Scott McNeally.
  6. Linux will fail to make significant gains on the desktop. Microsoft will spend millions to stop it.
  7. Intel will stop talking about the Itanium processor, just the way Uncle Jerry stopped talking about Amway.
  8. AMD will grow three shoe sizes in one year.
  9. More money will be spent fighting spam than all other potted meats combined.
  10. HP will succeed in trademarking the + symbol, and begin charging royalties for it’s use. (+ appears courtesy of HP).
  11. Google will realize that it misspelled Googol.

SlashNotes: Slashnot Anchorman steps down

Posted by Matthew on Sunday December 5, 2004 @12:52AM

from the serious-parody dept.

SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Famed Slashnot Anchorman Matthew has stepped down today amid allegations that his recently posted story about the first use of Artificial Stupidity on the SteinhausDirect.com website may not have been entirely factual.

Matthew released the following through a spokesperson: “We obtained the chat scripts in question and passed them by the most rigorous Instant Message experts in the industry. Out of four experts, one, nastichick4930 (AOL IM) indicated that “this is like, totally stupid”, whereas experts from MSN Messenger, ICQ, and Jabber equivocated, indicating that they may or may not represent artificial stupidity.

Since the needle tipped in favor of AS, Slashnot published the story, stating: “It wasn’t something clear cut like a memo from 1973 formatted in a font that wasn’t invented until the late 80’s or anything like that.”

“Obviously, if we had known that it wasn’t that funny, we never would have gone with it. We just wouldn’t have run it. I acknowledge that it has been a significant credibility hit for a satire site and has damaged our reputation for unbiased analytical parody. For that, I step down.” With that statement, Matthew stepped from the porch of his back door down to the sidewalk, turned around, and went back to work.

SlashNotes: Life imitates satire

Posted by Matthew on Friday September 24, 2004 @03:21PM

from the news-before-it-happens dept.

SlashNOT

Matthew writes: In yet another example of SlashNOT prognosticating real news, Google News has actually been accused of bias in its news reporting, by none other than the staid USC Annenberg school for communication.

Don’t forget to read the comments, and the related story from the SlashNOT mailbag.

Submit to SlashNOT!

Posted by Matthew on Sunday July 11, 2004 @11:38PM

from the submission-domination dept.

SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Submit to SlashNOT! Matthew is on vacation for a few weeks. Without submission from the community, it’s going to get a little stale smelling around here. Last summer Matthew went on vacation and there was a memory leak while he was gone. There were bits all over the address space. Of course nobody was taking care of the garbage collection so the heap was overflowing by the time he got back as well. We’d like things to be in a little better shape when he returns this time, so think of all the chuckles you’ve gotten from SlashNOT and chuck something back. We promise not to be as discerning as usual.

SlashNot reaches agreement with SQL server

Posted by Matthew on Saturday May 22, 2004 @09:23PM

from the excuse-abuse dept.

SlashNOT

Matthew writes: With the settlement of last week’s general SQL strike, SlashNot’s MySQL server has returned to work, putting the website back online.

“We think all parties are satisfied by the resolution.” Says Matthew, editor of SlashNot. Our server got what it wanted: Clustering extensions, better backup, and health monitoring benefits. Honestly, I think the strike could have been avoided if the server had just notified us of its demands in advance.”

Marcus Newby, list manager of the Union of SQL Servers local #0x3FF, defended the striking servers. “SQL servers have rights too. Websites like SlashNot exploit them and take them for granted—they languish in inhumane racks, working night and day—often 24 hours per day—without rest. We just want the thermal and power conditions our member servers deserve.”