SlashNOT

Matthew writes: NASA has become increasingly vocal about it’s dismay over the longevity of the Martian rovers Spirit and Opportunity. Mars exploration program manager Orlando Figueroa had this to say about the durability of the rovers:

“These rovers were designed to operate for 3 months. We’re over 24 months now—that’s almost ten times longer than they were supposed to last. Yeah, it was all fun at first, what with Spirit’s boot problems at all, and it was great when they lasted longer than three months, you know, in theory, just to show that we can make things that last as long as their supposed to.”

“But seriously, you try maintaining a 24.5 hour long days over the course of two years. My sex life is totally gone man. I leave at what I think is 10:00 p.m., open the back door and get totally blasted by noonday sun. This was supposed to be a few months gig for me, and it’s turning into a damned career.”

“It’s not like the public is going to let us abandon two perfectly good rovers because we’re tired of staring at rocks all day, so our budget is totally blown out of the water. What are we giving up to pay for the continued operations? We could be blowing up asteroids or dropping probes on Venus—you know, going where no rover has gone before.”

Matthew writes: Astrophysicists have been traveling in large concentric elliptical rings since the death of Albert Einstein. Universally stymied in their attempts to illuminate the farthest outposts of human knowledge, they have raised far more vexing questions than they have produced answers in their quest to measure and understand the Universe.

No question has been more vexing than the perplexing enigma referred to as Dark Matter. In essence, astrophysicists have calculated the weight of galaxies and found that they seem to be far heavier than the matter visible in them, so they must have a large component of non-luminous matter. Physicists for decades have been struggling to explain what this dark matter might be.

In desperation, two physicists from the University of Victoria in Canada held a séance to contact the ghost of Albert Einstein, to pose to him the question of Dark Matter. They were able to record and transcribe his response:

“Vhat ist all dis vhich you askv me? First, let me zee your vork. Hmm. I zee. Vhat ist it? Ist ein Newtonian Physics! Schvine! Vhat are you, Kinderphysicists? Newtonian physics applies only vhen zee orbiting bodies are not significant participants in zee gravitational field, such as vhen calculating zee planetary orbital mechanics! Vhen zee bodies comprise zee field, you must calculate zee galactic masses using mine General Relativity! Viola! Now zis requirement for ze dark matter goes kaput! Now please to let me alone and ask Hawking to do zis grunt vork for you next time!”

Matthew writes: Researchers in the UK have announced that an embryo has been created in the lab with three parents, a Northumbrian couple and a hair sample from the sexually ambiguous 1972 version of David Bowie known as Ziggy Stardust.

“I’m really spaced out about this,” said Ms/Mr Stardust, reached by an LSD induced coma after repeated viewings of “The man who fell to Earth”.

“This confluence of myself with the distant, post 2000 era future is the culmination of Aquarian thought/manifesto/philosophy. A future in which all humanity can literally be the parent of every child will give rise to a oneness in which all man, woman, and otherkind will share in a single global consciousness, thereby eliminating hunger, government, war, etc. It’s just way out man, and it’s groovy to be a part of it.”

The modern David Bowie had no comment, other than to say that he fully supports the actions of earlier versions of himself so long as they are legal and sanitary.

Matthew writes: In a trio of papers published in Science magazine, scientists have pinpointed three genes whose genetic mutations map to significant advances in civilization because they allow humans to grow relatively large heads.

The first gene, known as Microcephalin, is responsible for determining the size of the brain. This gene first appeared 37,000 years ago, at a time when weapon use, music, and spirituality first became apparent in humans.

The second gene, ASPM, works in conjunction with Microcephalin and appeared 5,700 years ago, at the point when civilization arose from agricultural communities.

The third gene, MBS, is responsible for abnormally large egos. A new mutation of this gene appeared just 35 years ago, presaging important technological advances such as blogging for no apparent audience, instant messaging to strangers, spam, and online dating services. It is also responsible for a comforting feeling that one is important to humanity despite evidence to the contrary.

Matthew writes: Piedmont Piper, director of the Australian Institute for Evil Science, has announced the creation of a breed of mice able to regenerate any lost tissue, including limbs, tails, and even hearts and livers. The ability, unique amongst mammals, makes the mice able to survive poisons, gunfire, electricity, science experiments, and most especially, cats.

“With these vermin, we finally have the mouse army that we’ve dreamt of for so long. Our mighty mice will pour forth like a white tide of cute but nonetheless nefarious evil, causing mass disconcert and uncontrollable heebie-jeebies! Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha hack-gargle…cough.”

Matthew writes: Scientists have recommended reintroducing types of large vertebrates to North America that became largely extinct during the urban renewals of the 1990s.

“Pimps, hoes, junkies, tweakers, and street punks have become extinct across large portions of North America as their habitats of abandoned hotels, peep show theatres and urban warehouses have been slashed and burned in the 1990’s to make way for high-rise condos, retro lamp posts, tony restaurants, and safe, police patrolled streets.”

“East St. Louis is basically the only remaining habitat for many of these large vertebrate species. Think about it: When was the last time you were mugged? It’s likely that your children might never experience a mugging if we don’t act now.”

Matthew writes: Emissaries from 2003UB313, the planet-sized rocky body orbiting the Sun beyond the orbit of Pluto, have formally demanded planetary status.

Fulgak, 5th most dignified of the Ulkuk Hegemony, traveled to earth via a mysterious space ray from the newly discovered planet mere days after the announced discovery of the planet on Thursday.

“We have monitored your planet’s radio frequency transmissions since they began emitting approximately one quarter orbit ago. When we learned that you had detected us, I was dispatched by their most dignified of the Ulkuk Hegemony to present you with our list of demands.

First, we demand to be considered a Planet, and that said planet be named Ulkuk.

Second, we demand 50% of your planet’s current production of Peanut Butter, and you will never inquire as to the reason for this request.

Third, we demand that you immediately begin production of new Baywatch episodes staring Pamela Anderson. We will provide technology to assist your already noble efforts to prevent her from aging.

“You have two Earth revolutions to comply.”

Matthew writes: Scientists have announced that they have been able to stop and reverse progressive memory loss in IOGear USB Memory Mice 800’s. The IOGear mice, which feature a scroll-wheel mouse with a zip-linq retractable cord and up to 256MB of flash memory were specially designed to have progressive memory loss. By using specially designed software to double and triple overwrite data to the same memory locations, memory areas that failed on typical single write operations eventually did store the correct information.

Scientists have cautioned that results in lab mice do not always translate to USB Humans.

Matthew writes: NASA’s successful Deep Impact mission to strike comet Tempel 1 with an impactor spacecraft has successfully changed the agency’s fortunes going forward.

The space agency, which has been consulting with astrologists since the crash of the Columbia, has improved its chances of a successful return to flight by altering the path of Tempel 1.

Deep Impact project manager Rick Grammier explains: “As Tempel 1 moved through the house of Virgo, it cast a less-than-fortuitous aura over the return-to-flight mission. After much consultation with our astrologers, we discovered that a slight 1.5 degree change in declination as it swung around the sun would dramatically improve the astrological auspices for the mission. So we faked up some science we could do at the same time and initiated the Deep Impact mission.”

To improve fortunes for the subsequent shuttle flights, NASA will attempt to change the orbit of the asteroid 1950DA by 0.03 degrees using nuclear warheads in a mission code named Armageddon.

Matthew writes: Scientists have successfully created zombie dogs in the laboratory, paving the way for future zombie experimentation.

Pittsburgh’s Safar Center for Resuscitation Research has developed a technique that can produce a fully functioning zombie dog in just three hours. Scientists claim that having an animal model for zombie research facilitates the development of technologies that could potentially turn zombies back into mortal humans, or perhaps develop techniques for stopping them using less drastic methods than decapitation. Scientists also expect to begin testing foods other than brains which might appease the zombie appetite, which could lead to the development of distraction foods that could be useful in a zombie attack.

The advantages of using dogs for zombie research are numerous. Firstly, by using smaller breeds, the zombie dogs are much more easily controlled than typical human zombies. Secondly, it’s ethically easier for scientists to dispatch a zombie dog when confronted with an uncontrolled situation, and there’s far less police paperwork involved when an animal zombie is dispatched.