Pluto launches missles in response to IAU sanctions

Posted by Michael on Friday August 25, 2006 @03:05AM

from the mickey-not-happy-either dept.


The government of Pluto, a territory in the Kuiper Belt formerly considered the 9th planet of the solar system, has launched several missles in retaliation for recent sanctions by the IAU that revoked its planetary status.

“We will not stand for this,” read a statement released by the Plutonian Ambassador to the IAU, Ognar 332A Zarquon. “Aggressive measures against our opressors will continue as long as we are regarded as a mere dwarf planet.”

Pluto’s planetary status has been in dispute since the territory was established in 1930, and this latest action brings a grave setback to the already shaky Kuiper Belt peace process.

While most of the missles were targeted at the neighboring territory of Xena, which was promoted to equal “dwarf planet” status by the IAU resolution, at least one missle appears to be targeted at the United States. According to NORAD, it may reach its target as early as October 2026.

Nerd Flu

Posted by Matthew on Friday June 9, 2006 @11:05PM

from the unknown dept.


GEORGE TRINKAUS writes: BETHESDA, Md. — A U.S. scientific team has engineered the first successful crossover of a computer virus to human subjects, thus raising the specter of a worldwide epidemic vectored by the internet. Dubbed “nerd flu” by the scientific press, the new bio-digital virus produces high fevers, acute respiratory congestion (similar to that of SAARS) and other flu-like symptoms. Mental derangement is also in the clinical picture. Nerd flu can be fatal.

culturing nano-plasmas Details of the crossover technology remain classified. However, sources inside government science say the phenomenon involves the translation of genetic data into holographic digital codes which can be transmitted via the web. At the user end, these data forms are programmed to culture into nano-plasmas that can condense on the surface of any PC monitor screen, migrate into the environment, and act as infective biologic agents. Human-to-human transmission of computer-generated bio-digital viral infections is also possible, according to a spokesman for the project. Of the five deaths of prisoner test subjects in the project’s Vacaville studies, two could be attributed to human-to-human transmission.

designer diseases Scientists on the project state confidently that the same methodology that produced nerd flu could also be used to culture electronically and transmit digitally cancer, malaria, AIDS, or any other disease known to medical science. The new technology also points to the possibility of custom computer-generated “designer diseases.” The Defense Research Project Agency (DARPA) has expressed interest in the project’s potential and contemplates applications in bio-warfare and population-management projects. The US Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and the World Health Organization (WHO) have both expressed a keen interest in the project. The nano-plasma disease agents are particularly abundant and virulent when they condense on old-style monitors. This is due to the electrostatic charge that accumulates on the glass surface of high-voltage cathode-ray tubes. Under these conditions, bio-digital nano-plasmas accumulate with ten times the intensity of those observed on the newer liquid crystal flat-screen monitors. A WHO spokes observed how this condition could facilitate population-management programs that target a specific negatively privileged social class.

preemptive “Our computer models predicted that this formidable machine-man crossover was a possibility, so we went ahead and did it first,” said Dr. Seymore Smyth, director of the five-year-old, $2 billion Cyber-Viral Project, which is funded by The National Institutes for Health (NIH) under joint contract to Merck and Microsoft. “This was preemptive research,” continued Dr. Smyth. “Think Iraq, think bird flu. We anticipated how hackers could conceivably engineer such a phenomenon and inflict great damage on the population. Of course, now that we have developed the methodology, there is also the concern that cyber-criminals could steal our secret codes. We try to stay a jump ahead of these terrorists.” Says Smyth, “We already have novel pharmaceutical counter-agents for nerd flu in the works.” At Merck and Microsoft, scientists are formulating a new generation of bio-digital antivirals and vaccines that can be downloaded on the internet and paid for by credit card.
Patents on the technology, which will held jointly by Merck and Microsoft, are expected to hold great value. Bio-digital stocks may soon become the latest high-tech sensation on Wall Street.

emergency The team says it will take its findings to Congress next week and argue for emergency legislation that would expand the powers of Homeland Security. Says Smyth, “Emergency management agencies need a new latitude to meet this new threat so they can enforce programs for detention, quarantine, and vaccination and for the culling of infected populations and equipment.” Representatives from NIH, the CDC, and WHO will also testify in favor of expanded powers at a closed House Internal Security Committee hearing next Tuesday. Meanwhile, administration sources say that if Congress does not act promptly and appropriately, the emergency may have to be addressed by executive order. Warns Smyth, “A preemptive worldwide shutdown of the internet may soon be necessary to protect the public from the impending deadly hazards of nerd flu.”

Scientific study validates power of Prayer, sort of

Posted by Matthew on Friday May 26, 2006 @08:56PM

from the I-got-better dept.


Matthew writes: In an effort to assess the power of Prayer, the John Templeton Foundation funded a 2.4 million dollar study into the effects of divine intervention.

By assigning prayer teams of 70 individuals to pray for 1800 heart bypass patients, the size and scope of the study is more than large enough to firmly assess whether intercession actually occurs. Four groups of patients were created: Those prayed for who did not know it, those prayed for who did know it, those not prayed for, and those cursed.

Interestingly, the study showed no benefit for either those prayed for or for those not prayed for, but did determine that 59% of those cursed showed significant post-surgical complications, including arrhythmias, subsequent heart attacks, and at least two instances of patients turning into newts (although both subsequently recovered).

“We know that high levels of adrenaline from the anxiety response can make fibrillation worse.” Says Charles Bethea, a physician at Integris Baptist Heart Hospital in Oklahoma City, “But we had no idea that it could turn you into a newt. That was an unanticipated patient outcome.”

National Asperger’s Institute diagnoses rest of humanity

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday May 17, 2006 @04:25PM

from the monkey-see-monkey-don't dept.


Matthew writes: The National Asperger’s Institute has released clinical diagnostic criteria for nuerotypical (normal) humans, placing the list of symptoms under the umbrella spectrum disorder “Pooflinger’s Syndrome.” Dr. Sarl Cagan explains the reason and meaning of the diagnosis.

“Recent research suggests that neurotypical individuals are, in fact, capable of relatively high functioning language abilities. This discovery, along with the fact that they exhibit at least some facility with computers, indicates that a clinical diagnosis can be helpful in getting these individuals the help that they so desperately need.”

Symptoms of Pooflinger’s Syndrome include:

“A clinical diagnosis of Pooflinger’s Syndrome can open up federal assistance grants to get these people the help they need, before it’s too late.”

10th planet revealed to be Death Star

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday April 18, 2006 @08:49PM

from the twinkle-twinkle dept.


Matthew writes: Scientists using the Hubble space telescope have recently determined that Xena, unofficially the 10th planet in the solar system, is actually a constructed Death Star.

“The planet reflects 86% of the sunlight that reaches it. It’s shiny. It’s considerably shinier than your car. The only reasonable explanation is that it is a nearly complete death star—which may in fact be fully operational. We need to begin training rebel pilots immediately.”

Other scientists reacted with skepticism, stating that other possible explanations exist.

“Statistically speaking, it’s more likely to be a Base Star because more of them are hypothesized to exist. In that case, we need to begin training colonial pilots—not rebel pilots. Or, it could possibly be a multigenerational colonization ship, in which case we needn’t worry because the occupants have most certainly succumbed to a revolution generations ago and forgotten that a universe outside their ship even exists. They’ll just fall harmlessly into the sun.”

“Calling it a Death Star based solely on its reflectivity is irresponsible when other legitimate possibilities exist.”

SuperEarth saves Regular Earth

Posted by Matthew on Sunday March 19, 2006 @11:04PM

from the damned-big-spandex-suit dept.


Matthew writes: SuperEarth—the Planet of Nickel-Steel! SuperEarth hails from the Center of the Galaxy, where the Ultra-Blue rays from its cold, dim sun empower it with the power of icy coldness. Ever vigilant against the forces of OGLE—An elite cadre of evil scientists bent on exposing Earth-like planets throughout the Galaxy—SuperEarth is dedicated to the ideals of fair play, sportsmanship, and capitalism.

In this week’s power-packed adventure, SuperEarth discovers that its friend, regular Earth, is suffering from the dreaded Greenhouse Fever due to a severe biological infection. SuperEarth saves the sidereal day by using its G-force waves to pelt regular Earth with cleansing asteroids, clearing up the biological infection and returning Regular Earth to rosy-cheeked good health. This week’s episode is brought to you by Wheaties: Wheaties, that toothsome, whole-wheat crunch that will bring the look of rosy-cheeked good health to your little ones ones. Next week: SuperEarth vs. Jupitron and the Krypton Gas Giants! Tune in each week for the adventures of SuperEarth!

Energy researchers fed, clothed, and taught to dance

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday February 21, 2006 @11:01AM

from the fake-news-just-writes-itself dept.


Matthew writes: Department of Energy Officials restored funding to a renewable energy lab in Colorado upon finding out that the President would be visiting. DOE Secretary Bodman explains:

We had just cut off funding for the lab and laid everyone off, when we found out that the President was going to be there. So we flew in, rounded up the villagers—I mean, researchers—and fed and clothed them. Once they regained enough strength, we taught them how to sing some of the President’s favorite songs, such as Lee Greenwood’s ‘I’m proud to be an American’ and Bush’s ‘Glycerine’.

“It was a huge success. The President clearly had a great time clapping and singing, and we clearly made him feel like we have an alternative energy policy in this country. The villagers—I mean, researchers—all got new clean white lab coats and a shiny new coat of paint on their lasers and microwave emitter waveguides.”

Global warming highest since 9th Century A.D.

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 10, 2006 @08:49AM

from the before-we-were-evil-and-selfish dept.


Matthew writes: Scientists have confirmed, through a number of various techniques, that mean temperatures in the Northern Hemisphere are the highest since 900 A.D. Researchers at the University of East Anglia explain:

“looking at data going back to 800 A.D., including personal journals and diaries, tree rings, fossil shells, and ice cores, we can confirm that temperatures have almost reached the maximum of the Medieval Warm period, when serfs and Lords alike would drive their grass guzzling SUVs, toss out disposable leather food containers with abandon, and engage in emissions heavy industries such as agriculture and animal husbandry.”

“Like our ancestors, we must take a hard look at our current practices, and find a plan to reduce human caused warming. The courage of Crusading against an ideological enemy and allowing bubonic plague to run rampant caused 33% of the population to be killed off, resulting in net 33% reduction in human based emissions.”

“It’s this sort of progressive, forward looking, selfless thinking that we need in order to reduce our current consumption. I look forward to a global flu pandemic, or perhaps an ideological war between major religions, to provide just the sort of emissions reductions that we so desperately need.”

UB313 demands status as 10th planet

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 3, 2006 @12:24AM

from the from-planet-x-beyond-pluto dept.


Matthew writes: Emissaries of the enigmatic planet-sized-and-shaped-object-orbiting-the-sun UB313 have again demanded planetary status now that its size has been measured and confirmed to be larger than Pluto.

“We demand our right to be included amongst the planetary powers of the Solar system. For too long have we languished undiscovered, and then relegated to mere “Kupier Belt Object” status. No longer. If Pluto is considered a planet, then we demand to be considered a planet as well. UB313 has declared that if it does not receive planetary status, it will re-start UB313nium enrichment.

Remote proof of intelligent design

Posted by Matthew on Sunday November 6, 2005 @12:00PM

from the its-all-in-why-you-look-at-it dept.


Matthew writes: Lawyers for the Dover Board of Education, which is defending itself against charges that its policy to require a statement on science textbooks promoting intelligent design violates the separation between church and state, have closed their arguments by pointing to common examples that they say prove that intelligent design is at work in the world.

“Just look at this remote control. It fits my hand perfectly. When I point it at the television and push this button, the television comes on instantly, as if by magic. How could a device like this have evolved to control a television? Are we to believe that somehow the television and the remote control both evolved in lock step, in some sort of symbiotic relationship? Hogwash. Only intelligent design by an intelligent designer can possibly explain this sort of complexity.”