SlashNOT

Matthew writes: The editors of SlashNOT have announced that they lack the technical capability to fix the infamous ‘$’ bug that has afflicted the site since it’s initiation.

Principle editor Matthew explains. “See, we stole the code that runs this site. We don’t really know anything about it. And, we hacked the server it runs on, so we don’t actually know much about it either. The administrator of that site long ago secured it but apparently doesn’t know that SlashNOT is hosted on it. So basically, we’ve lost administrative access to the server and couldn’t repair the code even if we knew how to, which we don’t.

“Of course, the bug only expresses when a $ is followed by a number–and how often does that really happen? We have figured out that if you include the HTML escape sequence $ the system will display a $. We don’t know why that works either.

Matthew writes: In a bizarre juxtaposition of coincidence, horror, and postmodern industrial lore, the “Human Finger in a Bowl of Chili” urban legend has accidentally come true.

This particular urban legend has been told many ways but it usually involves meaty dark soups such as chili or menudo. The story is a member of an urban legent species with many variations, from mice and cockroaches in soda bottles to deep-fried rats served up in a bucket of chicken.

But this particular urban legend turned to suburban horror earlier this week when an unidentified woman bit down on a human finger that had been cooked in her bowl of Wendy’s chili in Santa Clara, CA. Authorities have been on a hunt for the rest of the person since yesterday. The person is believed to have been a woman because the finger had a long, manicured nail.

A spokesman for Wendy’s confirmed that “All of our employees have ten digits” but added that he had ordered a recount just to be on the safe side. He also indicated that all of their Chili suppliers have indicated no accidents. “It’s probably just a piece of a meatpacker’s ex-wife that didn’t get ground up small enough. I don’t expect any employee liability problems to come out of this.”

When asked whether customers were still buying chili Thursday, an employee at the Wendy’s responded darkly, “We always sell a lot of chili.”

Matthew writes: For immediate release – vmware, the market leaders in x86 virtualization technology has announced its plans to hemorrhage marketshare to a large crop of up-and-coming competitors.

“For years, we were the only name in x86 virtualization, except for VirtualPC which didn’t count because it only ran on Macs. We trickled out the technology to software developers and IT geeks who we knew would think it was cool, because it was pretty much impossible to explain to normal people.”

“Then, CIO magazine ran an article on virtualization and suddenly everyone thought it was cool. We were snapped up by EMC, Microsoft bought VirtualPC and ported it to the PC, virtuozzo cropped up out of the web hosting market, and a bunch of open source projects like XEN, coLinux, and User Mode Linux cropped up seemingly overnight. Now everybody and their dog is running multiple operating systems on their computers.”

“This confluence of events has positioned vmware to hemorrhage marketshare faster than Novell in the nineties. With our combination of a closed development platform, extraordinarily high prices for what others are practically giving away, our commitment to falling behind technologically in the critical automatic hardware pooling space, we feel that there’s been no better time to announce that our future is blight.”

StarBird writes:

Tululah, Ohio: At the recent tri-annual conference of the American National Association of Foil Hats Against Mind Rays (ANAFHAMR), incorporating Alien Abductees United (AAU) and Fathers Against Bugs (FAB), CIA Public Relations Director B. Randon Messersmith 3rd told delegates categorically that there were no mind control chips for the general population being developed as had been widely feared.

“Although only small electrical charges are needed to stimulate the brain, that is not the whole story,” says Messersmith. “To change the average American mind on anything would require the voltage of a small car battery. And because of the size and weight issues involved, that is just not practical.”

matthew writes: Police in New Jersey have announced that they have arrested New Jersey pizza deliveryman and on-line fanfic website operator Hal Jordan for shining a green laser into the cockpit of aircraft.

Wearing a green and yellow spandex costume and ranting insanely (and in the third person) that “Parallax used Hal’s ring to take over his mind at his weakest moment. So Parallax has remained in Hal influencing and controlling him. Even the Spectre is not powerful enough to stop it. Parallax takes over the Spectre and Hal’s spirit.”

“Stop! Agent’s of Spectre are flying that craft! I must stop them before the Sun-Eater returns! Stop!”

Mearzuh writes: In a recent report from the Pentagon, it was unveiled that it was working on creating weapons that used aphrodisiacs, which when used “would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a ‘distasteful but completely non-lethal’ blow to morale, the proposal says”. This would allow them to engage in homosexual behavior and sodomy, which the US troops can use to their advantage somehow. “This would further ease the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy currently imposed on US troops. After what they would see their enemies engage in, they would surely not ask or tell anyone about it”, a spokesperson said.

Matthew writes: Local authorities have reported the existence of a Santa Worship Cult in the small town of Hampton, New Hampshire.

“We first became aware of the Santa Worshippers when a teenage student attempted to attend a High School dressed as Santa himself.” Said Principle Fred Mascara. “Of course, these days we have to be sensitive to legitimate religions, but Santa Worship isn’t a legitimate religion. It’s a cult.”

The Principle pointed to other signs of Santa Worship around the neighborhood, including numerous people wearing red hats, wreaths hanging on doors and strapped to the front of cars, and Christmas trees.

“These symbols are not emblematic of Islam, Judaism, Christianity, or whatever religion it is that celebrates Kwanza. These are are symbols of Santa Worship. It’s suddenly cropped up everywhere, and I think parents need to be aware that their kids may be involved in Santa Worship cults. We need to get to children when they are young and tell them that Santa isn’t real–before it’s too late!”

Matthew writes: The sale of a 10 year old grilled cheese sandwich that the owner claims shows the image of the Virgin Mary was abruptly pulled from the auction site, but then allowed to return after the owner clarified that the image was actually that of the inventor of spread spectrum frequency hopping used in modern cellphones Heddy Lamar.

“Ebay’s anti-fraud policies prevent outrageous claims and the sale of items that would perpetrate fraud. Our experts determined conclusively that the simulacra in question was an image of Heddy Lamar, not the Virgin Mary. Once the owner corrected the sale, we allowed it to continue.”

Matthew writes: With the MPAA’s recent spate of suits against movie pirates, the pirates have banded together to fight back.

“Avast, We’ll not be taking orders from the likes of them” said Captain Hook, of the 2003 film “Peter Pan”.

“Aye, they’ll taste the edge o’ me broadsword before the mast.” Added captain Jack Sparrow, of the 2003 film Pirates of the Caribbean. “They’ll dance the plank or dangle off the yardarms before I lay down me piratical ways.”

“Agreed, my good man.” Said Captain Bligh of the 1936 film “Mutiny on the Bounty”. “While I’m not a Pirate as such, I am a member of the Film Captain’s Guild, and I’m afright that if left unchecked these suits will eventually encompass all the able men of the seven seas.”

“Totally.” Agreed Captain Bill Gates, of the 1999 made for TV movie “Pirates of Silicon Valley”. “We’ve got the men and resources to stop this barbaric intrusion into our historic rights of piracy and monopoly.”

daan writes: Scientists have unearthed the remains of a party of Hobbits (Homo Hobbitses) on the remote Indonesian island of Flores dating from just 18,000 years ago, along with the bones of contemporary Orcs (Homo Orectus). Dragons, miniature elephants, and other mythical creatures also inhabited the island until Mt. Doom finally exploded 12,000 years ago. Middle Earth Man, (Homo Sapiens Tolkiensis) apparently arrived in Middle Earth and cohabitated with Homo Hobbitses for a period of time before ushering in the Age of Man and displacing the species. Elves, which also inhabited middle earth, are known to have left via primitive boats and are not expected to be present in the archeological record.

“This is a spectacular find. You could say that it’s the most important Tolkien related archeology in our lifetime. What’s even more amazing is that it’s relatively close to New Zealand.” Says Professor Chris Stringer, head of human origins at London’s Natural History Museum.

Scientists are now analyzing maps of Middle Earth in an attempt to reconcile the geographic features of Flores Island.