SlashNOT

Matthew writes: The $ 2M Grand Challenge prize awarded to the Stanford University for their automated VW Toureg “Stanley” (which successfully navigated the 150-mile desert test course) was stolen by H1ghlander, the #2 placed competitor.

Upon reaching the finish line, H1ghlander arrived at the finish line and apparently determined that it had lost. At that point, the vehicle leapt into the air and landed on two “legs” which were apparently formed by a hidden assembly in the rear quarter-panel portions of the vehicle. A synthesized voice then exclaimed “We are the Decepticon!“. The robot then reached over, snatched the check, and then launched directly into the desert sky, apparently borne aloft by jet engines built into the “feet” area.

Organizers were at a loss to explain the occurrence or where H1ghlander may have gone.

Matthew writes: In announcing their “Back to the Moon” Strategy for sending Americans back to the Moon a mere 50 years after the first time they did it, NASA has announced that rather than attempting to develop anything new, they would simply reanimate the remains of Werner Von Braun and ask him/it to help reconstitue the Atlas V heavy lift rocket.

“We don’t have the plans anymore. We, uh, ‘lost’ them once we decided to do the Space Shuttle, just in case some congressperson decided that rockets were cheaper than shuttles or something.”

“Anyhoo, we took a straw poll here at mission control, and it turns out not a damned one of us is a rocket scientist. Can you believe that? I was like, ‘Hey, who let all the engineers go?’—that was a laugh. But yeah, we have no friggin idea how to build a rocket. I really think everyone here thought that somebody else did it. I could have sworn that Bob down the hall was a Rocket Scientist, but nope—he’s just a chemist whose been doing project management for twenty years. Man, he can whip out a mean PowerPoint presentation though.”

“So we took a look at some of the other science we’ve been doing, and we realized that it would be a lot easier to just reanimate Werner Von Braun than it would be to reengineer the Saturn V. So we’re going to move on that front instead.”

daan writes: Yesterday the first baby with three parents was born in the Newcastle University Hospital to parents Simon Sayes, Robin Byron, and Michelle Gaye, according to British scientists who followed the story since its conception. Baby Tryst, at a healthy 3400 grams, appeared normal in all respects in cursory physicals, according to government doctors, but reporters interviewing hospital staff found them unsettled by mysterious centipede-like birthmarks scattered over the baby’s body and cylindrical nodules protruding from either side of her neck.

There has been intense public speculation into the relationship between the three parents. Reporters for The Guardian managed to corner Mr. Sayes in a loo for a short exchange, the only one so far granted the press. On the delicate matter of activities leading up to conception, Mr. Sayes responded that it was a private matter. When pressed he mercurially replied that much of it proceeded “much as it would with anyone else” but that Ms. Gaye’s contribution was necessarily preceded by an intensive acrobatics education.

Matthew writes: U.S. President George Bush today declared a “War on Weather” to combat the “rising tide of rising tides” and “stop the forces of weather extremism where they start”.

“Mother nature has a responsibility to bring her concerns before the world body of the UN, rather than plaguing mankind with extreme weather. We will not be cowed by these acts of eco-terrorism. We will not lower our green-house gas emissions, or even admit that human activity affects weather.”

The president announced a new series of low-pressure-busting bombs to be dropped in the centers of hurricanes in order to disrupt their formation, and announced that Venezuela and Cuba have been identified as “centers of hurricane formation”. He has tasked the Department of Defense with drawing up invasion plans to enact regime change in those countries.

Matthew writes: According to the BBC, a report by professor Richard Lynn and Dr. Paul Irwing will be published later this year in the British Journal of Psychology stating that although children at age 14 are equal, adult men are, on average, 5 I.Q. Points higher than adult women. The difference widens with higher intelligence: There are twice as many men with an IQ of 125, and nearly six times as many men as women with an IQ of 155.

The paper also argues that at the same IQ, women are more likely to achieve more because they are more conscientious and better adapted to sustained periods of hard work.

When ask how he expected to ever get laid again, Dr. Lynn replied that he’d never been laid in the first place.

Me writes: Scientists have developed a new way to prevent the elderly from falling - shocking them. Dr. Owen Lift of the prestigious Kevorkian University describes this amazing technique.

“You see”, explains Dr. Lift, “Too often, our elderly parents suffer painful falls. It is a part of their diminished ability to maintain balance. This can often result in lengthy hospital stays, followed by rehabilitation in nursing homes. This is very costly, and reduces their resources that could be passed down to their offspring. This is what motivated me to develop this ankle bracelet.”

Dr. Lift proceeded to show me one of the ankle bracelets attached to a car battery. “This”, he described, “is the culminaton of months of research. When the patient begins to topple over, a small charge is sent through the bracelet, into the ankle, which in turn, sends a message to the brain. The patient then knows to correct his or her orientation to prevent falling. If the patient does not correct, the voltage is gradually increased based upon the vertical angle of the patient. Larger voltages are sometimes needed to get their attention, them being old and all.”

I asked Dr. Lift if this was safe. Dr. Lift guffawed, “Of course it is safe! I wouldn’t be using my own mother to test if it were not safe.” He then continued, “And on top of it, I offer this guarantee to any buyers: If you use this product, and your parents suffer debilitating injury resulting in savings draining hospital stays, you get your money back.”

I then asked about what happens when Mom or Dad goes to sleep at night. “She’ll find out….” he said with a mysterious grin, “she’ll find out…”

Matthew writes: Japanese police have discovered a Tamagotchi mass grave outside Osaka Japan in the back yard of an unassuming elementary school teacher.

Keiko Takahashi, 24, is being held on suspicion of negligent homicide in the deaths of hundreds of Tamagotchi digital pets, which were found buried in simple cardboard boxes in her back yard. Investigators have revealed that Ms. Takahashi was a participant in a massive international Tamagotchi slave trade ring, and that it was her participation in an online forum dedicated to the trade of Tamagotchis that led them to her house.

Fourteen neglected Tomagotchis were found still alive, and one Tomagotchi was found in good condition, apparently having been favored as her current pet project.

Mearzuh writes: We have some sad news to report to you today, coming from the great country of Turkey. It looks like there has been over 450 sheep that have lost their lives today in what seems to have been a mass-suicide pact amongst the animals. It was just one, at the beginning, that jumped off the cliff. Soon, 449 followed blindly. It is now believed that they could not handle a life of daily grazing and “maaah”’s.

Eye-witnesses describe the scene as a very fluffy pile of pillowy white at the bottom of the cliff. One eye-witness recalls, “There were 1500 sheep total. After the 450 jumped off and died, the rest of them followed, but bounced off the dead ones and so stayed alive. ‘Twas an amusing sight actually, bouncin’ sheep. Hehehe. But I didn’t see all of them bounce. I dozed off after counting 100 sheep.” There were an estimated $ 100,000 worth of damages made during this act.

Matthew writes: Sun Microsystems, which has seen four quarters of slumping sales and has a mere 4 billion in cash reserves, has announced that it is creating its first-ever laptop and leaving its warehouse doors open at night in an attempt to drive adoption of its platform.

A Sun spokesperson confirmed that they were also turning all the security cameras off, and that there were no night watchmen on duty. He also provided the corporate address and noted the presence of a U-Haul truck leasing facility a mere six miles down the road.

“This came out of a C-level brainstorming session we had on how to move boxes. Scott [McNealy] said ‘fuck it, let’s just let the unsold boxes get stolen. They’ll inevitably wind up in someone’s hands, and maybe, just maybe, that someone will write the next great Solaris application.”

Mearzuh writes: In a recent move to curb the widespread attack of adware-containing pieces of freeware and software, the popular download website Download.com has come out with a new approach to fighting this annoying abuse of the end-users.

The SVP is quoted as saying “During the past few years, we’ve brought you the best tools and tips in our Spyware Center, and we’ve maintained a strict policy toward adware by allowing only software that discloses advertising partnerships during installation.

“This week, we’ve upped the ante: we’re launching a new zero-tolerance policy toward all bundled adware. That means every time you download software from Download.com, you can trust we’ve tested it and found it to be adware-free–period.”

Due to the new policy put in place, Download.com, the website that allowed for millions of pieces of software to be downloaded up until yesterday, shrunk its catalogue to pretty much just anti-spyware products due to the new policy. Happy downloading, indeed!