Movie Pirates To Improve Quality of Movies

Posted by Matthew on Friday May 26, 2006 @08:55PM

from the eye-of-the-decoder dept.


Mearzuh writes: Shanghai movie pirates have taken an good look at the recently debuted summer blockbusters and they did not like what they saw. According to their professional opinion, they could have made an improved version thereof — and they promise to do just that.

Word is they will start with The DaVinci Code. Instead of the story being that of no God, they will now include Him. Also, they will superimpose James Caviezel over Tom Hanks, but will keep Audrey Tautou as the sidekick because of her attractiveness. She’ll play a prostitute instead of a police officer, as that spices up the movie. “In addition, the title will be changed to ‘Passion of the Christ’, because Jesus’s passion was cracking codes.” said an official spokesman.

What’s next for the entrepreneurs? Mission Impossible 3. The plan is to superimpose anyone not Tom Cruise over the likeness of Tom Cruise. The movie will be expected then to make millions more.

Cheetah the chimpanzee turns 74, demands universal health care for apes

Posted by Matthew on Friday April 14, 2006 @06:38PM

from the equal-protection dept.


matthew writes: Cheetah the chimpanzee, who stared in 12 Tarzan movies along side Jonny Wiesmuller in the 1930’s and 1940’s, is celebrating his 74th birthday with close friends at his home in Palm Springs. An active and acclaimed abstractionist, Cheetah suffers from a typical list of old-age maladies including high blood pressure and diabetes. He released a statement to the press to coincide with his Birthday advocating on behalf of apes in the wild.

“Nearly 100% of apes in the wild lack adequate health care insurance. Life expectancy in the wild is only 42—lower than most human populations.”

“Clearly, we must do more to support the undomesticated. Why is it still easier for a retired action hero such as myself to obtain quality healthcare than it is for the undomesticated? We must correct this age old injustice. It is the 21st century. It’s time to do more.”

Star Trek fan breaks up with Star Wars fan

Posted by Matthew on Friday March 10, 2006 @11:05AM

from the Loose-the-Force dept.


matthew writes: Adam Goldberg and his girlfriend of six months, Rena al Yousif, have called it quits over irreconcilable differences in their choice of fandom. Adam, a long-time Star Trek aficionado, and Rena, a Star Wars fan, were unable to decide how to raise any potential offspring from their relationship.

“It’s really sad that Rena couldn’t come around. At first, we were both really stoked that we’d met another person that was really into sci-fi, but the cultural differences were just insurmountable. We totally got into a huge argument about whether Captain Kirk would be able to take on Darth Vader if their weapons were blinked out of existence by an omniscient race of beings of pure energy who had transported them to a planet of gladiators. She was like “why would that ever happen? What is the physics behind it?” I say physics, schmisics. It’s about the underlying ethical metaphor.”

“The final straw was when I told Rena that I wanted to ‘go where no man had gone before.’ I probably shouldn’t have phrased it that way, in retrospect.”

Public support for HD DVD wars sours

Posted by Matthew on Monday October 3, 2005 @10:23AM

from the live-by-the-poll,-die-in-a-bizarre-voting-related-accident dept.


matthew writes: Just as coalition partners HP and Dell slammed the Toshiba/Microsoft/Dell backed HD DVD insurgency against the Sony led Blu-Ray consortium, a new poll has shown that public support for the media war has dropped to its lowest point ever.

Peace talks between the Blu-Ray coalition and the HD-DVD consortium fell apart two months ago after the Blu-Ray coalition refused to provide technical support until after the HD-DVD consortium renounced its physical media standard and rejoined the media non-proliferation treaty.

War protesters led by a mother whose son had purchased four movies on the Sony PSP UMD format before realizing that there was no way to show them on an actual television tried to converge on Sony’s headquarters before discovering that the headquarters are in an undisclosed location. Further, Bryon Jensen, leader of the Amiga Martyrs Brigade has announced that his group will not provide driver support for HD-DVD in any Amiga emulator.

I, Roomba

Posted by Matthew on Friday April 30, 2004 @12:12AM

from the positronic-drain dept.


Matthew writes: “I, Roomba”, the upcoming sci-fi thriller suggested by the synonymous novel by Isaac Asimov, follows the exploits of a detective who realizes that the amazingly popular disc-shaped self-propelled vacuums aren’t nearly as innocuous as they seem.

I have to say I was a bit disappointed. The only thing suggested by the novel seems to be the really cool title and the three laws of robotics: Spiral, Bump, and Turn. The plot was reasonable enough (vacuums become ubiquitous by alleviating chores, people begin to trust them, vacuums take over), but it strains credibility to suggest that only one person in the world didn’t trust them. I’m sure Andy Bell wouldn’t have trusted them.

Despite the holes in the plot, the effects are second-to-none. The “swarm mode” scene is a must see—millions of Roombas bump their way out of their homes and converge in the streets, cleaning everything in site. And the killer “suction-time” effect shows the vacuums suctioning individual particles of dirt in slow motion. It’s like nothing you’ve ever seen.

Me On Books: For Us, The Living

Posted by Matthew on Friday December 12, 2003 @08:44PM

from the whoops,-we-don't-have-a-books-topic dept.


Matthew writes: For Us the Living is the hitherto unpublished first novel of the late Robert Heinlein, 2nd greatest SciFi author of all time (after Isaac Asimov and before Ray Bradbury).

The book absolutely sucks, which is why I love it!

See, in the seven years since I started writing my first novel, “About a Transgenic Fish: A Love Story”, I’ve been having a really hard time figuring out how to complete the story. I just can’t seem to write a realistic scene wherein a mutant surgeonfish manages to roll his fishbowl down an art-deco handrail, knock the henchmen of an evil U.S. President unconscious, and then crash through the 87th story window of the rebuilt World Trade Center to a waiting helicopter gunship belonging to the Reformation Brotherhood of Mennonites, which in the year 2023 will control more than half of the U.S.

But For Us the Living shows me that I don’t have to! All I need to do is set this book aside and become famous for my as yet unwritten masterpieces, content in the knowledge that “About a Transgenic Fish” will be published after my death and purchased by my devout followers as a nearly lost example of my early, crappy writing. This book is just another example of why Robert Heinlein continues to break new ground in SciFi and the publishing world in general, even post mortem. It’s truly a masterpiece of early 20th Century unpublishable fiction.

The Spyware who Loved Me

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 24, 2003 @08:16PM

from the Licensed-to-Satirize dept.


Matthew writes: Security analysts have determined that a recent malicious e-mail received by employees of a British credit card company was not an indiscriminate attack by an anonymous worm, but a deliberate attempt to infiltrate that specific company with the goal of total global annihilation.

The e-mail, titled “From Russia, with Love”, apparently installed a piece of software that would overdrive the infected computer’s processor, turning each machine into a ticking time bomb, which, in sum, contained enough explosive power to crack the Earth’s crust and set off a chain of volcanoes whose output would darken the sun and cause the Earth to be enveloped in the equivalent of a nuclear winter.

Fortunately, the Her Majesty’s Secret Service caught wind of the exploit hours before it went live, so agents were able to stop the Spyware just prior to setting off thousands of computers simultaneously. Because the hackers had left their server’s address in the Spyware, Agents were able to trace them back to their secret lair in the North Sea, which was destroyed in the ensuing arrest attempt.

Waner Bros. Offers refund for Matrix Revolutions

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 11, 2003 @08:51PM

from the intelectual-property-liability dept.


Matthew writes: Warner Bros has taken the unusual step of offering refunds to moviegoers who present a Matrix Revolutions ticket stub at any theater showing the release.

A studio spokesman explained the program. “We realize that there are patrons out there who don’t ‘get’ Matrix Revolutions. Like any product producer, we take responsibility for our product, and we’re willing to suck one up when it, well, sucks.”

Movie critic Roger Ebert was ambivalent about the refund program. “Don’t get me wrong—I like the idea of studios taking responsibility for churning out crap. But this is special. This is Matrix. What I’d really like so see them do is suck it up, go back to the drawing table, and write a pair of sequels that are worthy of the original. I think the fans deserve it and we ought to demand it.”

Matrix Fan Jeremy was also ambivalent. “I paid eight bucks for my ticket. Yeah, the plot totally stank, but the effects were killer, and the fight scenes totally wrocked. So I’m just going to ask for four bucks back.”

Disney sends Disney to the Disney Vault

Posted by Matthew on Monday November 10, 2003 @11:48PM

from the this-is-what-happens-to-those-who-don't-pay-writers dept.


Matthew writes: Disney Corporation, long known for it’s full-length animated films, has halted all work on it’s traditional, hand drawn features currently under development. Home on the Range will be the last. Disney CEO Michael Eisner Explains:

“We’re sending the Disney film production methodology to the Disney Vault, probably forever. We’ve had a really long string of in-house produced animated films that suck, and we’ve noticed that all of Pixar’s CG films have really kicked ass.”

“Rather than attributing this to really poor script development on our part, especially when compared to their Insanely Great script development and their willingness to throw out years of work if it sucks, we’ve decided that it must be the fact that modern kids have to have photo-realistic shading and rendering.”

“So that’s all folks. We’re planning to bungle our current negotiations with Pixar, try again to develop our own in-house CG shop, and then send them really crappy scripts that won’t sell since we still haven’t figured out that ‘it’s the story, stupid’. We’ll continue down this until we’re nothing but a cable TV channel for toddlers peddling stuffed caricatures of a cartoon so old that no modern human remembers actually ever having seen it on screen as anything but a spokestoon.

Has product placement gone too far?

Posted by Michael on Wednesday November 27, 2002 @01:01AM

from the I-only-made-up-one-of-these dept.


Michael writes: Just how much product placement will movie audiences tolerate? While watching the new James Bond Movie I was only mildly annoyed by the carefully concealed advertisements for Ford and Aston Martin cars, Norelco shavers, Omega watches, and British Airways, but it turned out these were only the tip of the iceberg.

Other sponsors placing products in the film include Sony, Ericsson, Heineken, Samsonite, Finlandia Vodka, Pepsi, Ski-Doo, and even St. Mary’s Hospital.

The most ridiculous part turned out to be the 10-minute Segway scooter chase scene at the climax of the film. Sure, Bond’s souped-up Segway was impressive, but its top speed was still 12.5 MPH, and the entire audience was chanting “Where’s the Aston-Martin?”.