Matthew writes: Responding to an ever-tougher toy market and the expected summer melt of the North Pole by 2033, Santa Claus has announced that he will be closing the centuries-old North Pole Toy Factory, laying off the non-management elves, and outsourcing toy production to Chinese plastics conglomerate Tin Sow Manufacturer Enterprises.

“I was prepared to weather the Wal-Mart invasion into the toy market (they get 1 of every 4 dollars spent in toys worldwide now) and the dominance of Toys ‘R Us because we’ve got two things going for us: World- wide branding that starts earlier than everyone but McDonalds, and the fact that we don’t have to sell our product—-toys are given away as a Santa Claus branding leader.”

“But the global warming thing is a mega-trend that we just have to get on board with. Our competition is moving to China, so we need to be there as well. Unfortunately, Elves don’t do well at temperatures above 0c, so most of them will be laid off and relocated to refugee centers in the South Pole.”

U.S. Secretary of Treasury Paul O’Neil today announced that the U.S. would be adding a “simple” End User License Agreement to all denominations of American currency. “The basic idea is to make sure that people know that they can’t copy money. We’ve also added some liability protections.” When pressed about the clause stating that “users” agree to be subject to “compliance searches” by treasury department officials at any time, Sec. O’Neil referred reporters to the Department of Justice. “Look, we’re not putting a gun to anyone’s head. If you don’t like the EULA, don’t use the currency. It’s that simple.” When reporters pointed out that it is illegal to trade in foreign currencies inside the U.S., and that the IRS requires taxation on barter to be paid in Dollars, and that city code prevents most citizens from growing their own food and manufacturing their own durable goods, O’Neal again referred them to the DoJ for clarification.