Santa Claus to shut down North Pole operations

Posted by Matthew on Monday December 22, 2003 @05:50PM

from the Outsourcery dept.

Money

Matthew writes: Responding to an ever-tougher toy market and the expected summer melt of the North Pole by 2033, Santa Claus has announced that he will be closing the centuries-old North Pole Toy Factory, laying off the non-management elves, and outsourcing toy production to Chinese plastics conglomerate Tin Sow Manufacturer Enterprises.

“I was prepared to weather the Wal-Mart invasion into the toy market (they get 1 of every 4 dollars spent in toys worldwide now) and the dominance of Toys ‘R Us because we’ve got two things going for us: World- wide branding that starts earlier than everyone but McDonalds, and the fact that we don’t have to sell our product—-toys are given away as a Santa Claus branding leader.”

“But the global warming thing is a mega-trend that we just have to get on board with. Our competition is moving to China, so we need to be there as well. Unfortunately, Elves don’t do well at temperatures above 0c, so most of them will be laid off and relocated to refugee centers in the South Pole.”

AdCalSys lays off 120%

Posted by Michael on Tuesday September 3, 2002 @03:38AM

from the unknown dept.

Money

Squid writes: Accounting software firm AdCalSys Inc. surprised customers and investors alike Friday by laying off 120% of their current workforce. “We were shocked,” says an anonymous former employee. “My whole department was laid off, along with the rest of the building and at least 50 people who didn’t even work here.”

While there is no official word yet, this will likely derail the company’s planned third-quarter release of their new payroll and personnel management suite, already plagued by bugs.

SlashNOT investigated by SEC

Posted by Matthew on Monday September 2, 2002 @06:41PM

from the The-one-where-Ponzi-ski-jumped-over-the-shark dept.

Money

Matthew writes: The SEC has sent an inquiry to SlashNOT questioning recent financial practices. Noting that the site has posted more than 0.06 cents in revenue since it’s inception, the SEC inquiry seeks to determine how the site’s stock price could have legitimately soared to it’s recent closing price of 134 per share on NASDAQ. The stock accounts now accounts for 2.7% of the capitalized value of all NASDAQ stocks.

“This SlashNOT thing has the fingerprints of a massive pump and dump operation, where early investors hype the stock and then sell before it’s price collapses.” says an SEC investigator.

With over 3 billion in market capitalization, the website is bucking the trend amongst singed tech investors to avoid e-commerce ventures that have no identifiable revenue model. The two week old website, which has maintained profitability since its inception by avoiding expenses, has recently become a darling amongst tech savvy investors looking for successful e-commerce ventures.

“We keep trying to tell people that this is just a website” complained co founder Matthew “But they insist on investing. Apparently, not having lost tens of billions of dollars is pretty hot right now. By the way, our NASDAQ symbol is SNOT.”
“Well, we do keep a pretty tight lid on expenses as well” explained co-founder Michael. “Our employees might as well be working for free, and we steal the bandwidth from a quotations website that hasn’t noticed that we’re on their servers.”

U.S. To add EULA to Dollar Bill

Posted by Matthew on Friday August 23, 2002 @05:58PM

from the Goose-stepping-morons dept.

Money

Submission by Cpt. Tako

U.S. Secretary of Treasury Paul O’Neil today announced that the U.S. would be adding a “simple” End User License Agreement to all denominations of American currency. “The basic idea is to make sure that people know that they can’t copy money. We’ve also added some liability protections.” When pressed about the clause stating that “users” agree to be subject to “compliance searches” by treasury department officials at any time, Sec. O’Neil referred reporters to the Department of Justice. “Look, we’re not putting a gun to anyone’s head. If you don’t like the EULA, don’t use the currency. It’s that simple.” When reporters pointed out that it is illegal to trade in foreign currencies inside the U.S., and that the IRS requires taxation on barter to be paid in Dollars, and that city code prevents most citizens from growing their own food and manufacturing their own durable goods, O’Neal again referred them to the DoJ for clarification.