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Matthew writes: Microsoft today announced their purchase of Virtual PC and Virtual PC Server from Connectix Corporation.

Microsoft Spokesman Explains: “We have basically reached the saturation point for server and client operating system sales. There’s a one-to-one relationship between PCs and operating system sales, which has been a sales limiter for us.”

“Virtual PC breaks that 1:1 operating system sales barrier for us. With this software, we can now sell a virtually unlimited number of operating system licenses for each PC. We’re thinking that we will probably be able to load eight to sixteen server operating system licenses per server in a few years, which obviously is a huge sales gain for us. There is apparently some sort of gain for the customer as well. Heck, we might even give this stuff away.”

“Here’s the real kick—we get to sell this software as well. This is really going to open up the money pipe for us. Oh, and the MacOS version of VirtualPC gives us a way to say we support Mac users without actually doing any work. That’s true synergy.

Matthew writes: In keeping with their policy shortening of the supported life of their various obsolete operating systems, Microsoft has announced that support for Windows 2003 Server will be deprecated as of April 1st, 2003 (which, coincidentally, is its projected ship date).

“We’ve seen the handwriting on the wall. Linux is going to eat us for lunch, and we don’t see much reason to keep supporting these legacy operating systems while the rest of the world jumps on the Linux bandwagon. We played the software monopoly game, and the hackers figured out how to beat us.”

“Rather than continuing to pour our support and development efforts into the black hole called Windows, we’re going to go back to the drawing boards and find another market to dominate, while we’ve still got the cash to do it.

Matthew writes: Microsoft’s first use of Klez technology as a proactive security patching mechanism was unveiled Saturday to patch an SQL Server vulnerability. Relabeled “Slammer” for the test, the antivirus promptly brought down major portions of the Internet as it quickly spread to every unpatched MS-SQL server connected to the Internet, causing major disruptions in service for clients, and forcing the mandatory reboot of every SQL server in the world.

According to a Microsoft spokesman, the first use of Klez as a patching tool was a tremendous success, patching a major vulnerability throughout the Internet in just a four-hour period, and causing only minor economic harm to most nations. The only exception was South Korea, which had to be rebooted in its entirety.

Michael writes: Shortly after announcing that they will rename Palladium to “next-generation secure computing base“, Microsoft announced today that it will change the name of the upcoming Windows Server 2003 to “next generation server operating system”.

The Windows name has been tarnished by controversy surrounding Microsoft’s legal battles as well as growing privacy concerns. “This new name will give next generation server operating system the fresh start it needs to get ahead,” said a Microsoft spokesperson. “We previously tried just dropping .NET from the name, but that wasn’t enough.”

Microsoft next generation server operating system, previously known as Windows Server 2003, previously known as Windows .NET Server 2003, previously known as Windows .NET Server, previously known as Windows Server 2002, previously known as Whistler, will be released in April.

Michael writes: Microsoft announced today that it has completed its acquisition of Klez LLC, maker of the Win32.Klez.H virus and several variants. Microsoft plans to use these newly-acquired technologies to enhance the security of Windows systems.

“Klez leveraged the peer-to-peer power of Outlook to achieve #1 status in 2002, and we’re proud to make it part of the Microsoft team,” said Bill Gates in a press conference. “We want to make it clear that the days of Klez causing problems on the net are over, because Klez is no longer a virus. It is now a proactive component of our Trustworthy Computing Initiative.”

Gates described how the company will use Klez technology to replace the current Windows Update feature with a more “prescriptive” approach. “We’ve found that users just don’t want to worry about security fixes. Klez will use ‘push’ technology to bring you the fixes whether you ask for them or not.” Gates also announced that a Linux version of Klez will be available next month as part of their Linux Software Initiative.

Matthew writes: The U.S. government stepped up the pressure in it’s efforts force Microsoft to become more open today, ordering the company to ship Java within 120 days or “face serious consequences.”

“We’re sick and tired of the delaying tactics, the lack of cooperation, and the deception coming from Redmond.” Said U.S. District Judge J. Frederick Motz.

Microsoft has been under pressure from the U.S. and a coalition of governments to provide more openness by sharing Windows code and by including Sun’s Java environment that allows programs to run on any platform.

“While we’re happy that Microsoft has agreed to allow widespread code inspection, they have not been forthcoming about declarations of unannounced security vulnerabilities known to them. Microsoft Update contains only declarations for vulnerabilities we knew about days or even weeks ago. Frankly, the odds of us finding security vulnerabilities without help from Microsoft computer scientists are slim. We need to get these computer scientists and their families out of Redmond and interview them in a safe location, and they should be offered employment with other companies if they feel that there will be retaliation from Microsoft when they return.”

Matthew writes: Microsoft has changed the name of the forthcoming server version of their operating system this week for the fourth time, in what they are calling an effort to reduce customer confusion.

Originally referred to in beta as Whistler, the operating system’s first production name was Windows 2002 Server. Microsoft then changed the name to Windows .NET server in order to increase customer confusion. Three release candidates shipped to beta testers with this name. Early this week, Microsoft decided to subsequently reduce customer confusion by rererenaming the operating system to Windows 2003 Server, as a tribute to its slipping release date.

We at SlashNOT believe that renaming products is the probably the most effective way to reduce customer confusion, and we laud Microsoft for their efforts. A fifth name change (to Windows 2004 Server) would probably further reduce the number of confused customers. Other (admittedly less effective) methods would be to produce software that operates according to a coherent theory of operation rather than a mixed bag of feature requests generated by the marketing department. Producing well-tested and secure software that is unlikely to crash during normal operation might also serve to further reduce the number of confusing customers.

/* Stories that appear with the SlashAsterisk heading are true stories with SlashNOT editorial or reader commentary included */

Matthew writes: Microsoft chairman and Chief Software Architect Bill Gates unveiled a new line of gadgets incorporating the Smart Nonpersonal Object Technology to complement their Smart Personal Objects Technology (SPOT) upon which such devices as digital watches and digital refrigerator magnets will be based.

“Smart Nonpersonal Object Technology is basically the same as SPOT, but without the concept of the individual user designed in. This gives us the richness and context to deliver multimedia content that isn’t targeted to a specific individual.”

“For example, we envision a screen upon which video could be streamed constantly via a wireless technology into public places and homes—all without being tailored to anybody’s specific needs.”

“We’ve also got a nonpersonal music listening device that would be able to pick up many different “channels” or “stations” of wirelessly transmitted music. Rather than selecting or specifying the music you want, you would simply “tune” to a genre of music that fits your taste.”

“This is just like when we incorporated push technology into our web browser, except with a purpose.”

Matthew writes: Microsoft has confirmed that it is developing a server version of its yet-to-be-popular Windows XP Tablet PC Edition. To be titled Windows .NET Server Table PC edition, the software is designed to run on the new Table PC server form factor.

“The Table PC is the next step in server design,” says Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer. “With its massive screen area, available pointing gloves, and support for up to 64GB of RAM, the Table PC is the server of the future.”

“The primary purpose of the Table PC format is to give business decision makers the information they need in a format that commands immediate respect and looks good on film. For example, a CEO may have the current acquisitions status of small competitors throughout the country shown as they turn from red to green on a large-scale map of the world. Or a battlefield commander might use a Table PC in his field headquarters to intimidate the enemy by claming that the Metal Gear Solid running on it is actually satellite imagery of their invasion force. On a standard PC monitor, that would be an obvious ruse, but on a Table PC it speaks with authority.”

Michael writes: Microsoft today launched a surprise assault on Java, a small Indonesian island near Southeast Asia, in an attempt to counter the recent court order forcing them to include the Java language in Windows XP.

“While we are planning an appeal, we feel this direct approach is our best bet,” said CEO Steve Ballmer. “We know that Java is affiliated with Sun, and after a successful takeover of the island, we will have a powerful copyright claim against Sun’s use of the name. We’ve always wanted our own island anyway.”

“Microsoft is crazy,” said a confused Scott McNealy at Sun. “We have no office in Indonesia, and although we do like to sue Web sites that use the word Java, we certainly don’t own the island.” The Indonesian government, having a much smaller budget than Microsoft, is hopeful that a peaceful settlement can be reached. If not, it will deploy its small army of Linux users against Microsoft.