A Microsoft spokesman explains: “We take typical computers and convince their owners (we call them Zombies) to install Windows. Once the machines have been thoroughly compromised, we take three or four of them and track down the people controlling them. This allows us to prosecute those individuals, thus making the Internet safer for everyone.”

“We looked at every possible permutation, except FU and PU. None of them, not one, was cooler than XP. After exhausting the two-letter space, we went to three letters, considering names like GTO, FZR, and NRG. But in the end, we realized that the effort was futile. XP was simply too cool, too much the zeitgeist of 2003, to ever be out-cooled.”

“Once we realized that cool was off the table, we decided to go for a name as mamby pamby as we could—as sort of joke. So we said ‘to hell with it. Let’s name it after Windy Vista Lane’, which is in Albuquerque near Microsoft’s original office.”

“I mean, let’s face it: We could call it ‘Windows Crap’ and you idiots would buy it.”

“The story is about a group of software enthusiasts who start out by selling their implementation of somebody else’s easy to use programming language. Then, as they try to pay the bills, they find an opportunity to buy an operating system and sell it to a third party. With the money they made off of that, they mimic a popular spreadsheet application, ape a popular word processor, and rip off the user interface of another operating system. Finally, when they can’t figure out how to update their operating system themselves, they hire away the staff of another company and pay them to do it for them, and then did things like buy the companies that they ripped off after loosing in court and use the network stack from a competitor and then lie about it.”

“Basically, it’s a story about the slow decline to the dark side, and how a giant corporation forgets that literally every piece of nontrivial software they’ve ever produced was based on the creative work of someone else.”

“This forward-looking name change implements our new emphasis on expectation management.” said Mr. Allchin. “We’ve been ripping announced features out of Longhorn nearly as fast as we’ve been missing development milestones. By changing the name, we’re creating a set of customer expectations that we have a chance of meeting by mid 2007.”

Mr. Allchin took the opportunity to explain the remaining features of Shorthorn.

“People thought that a simple folder hierarchy was hard to understand. So we’ve eliminated that in favor of a file-system meta-data query subsystem that enables virtual folders based on multiple user selected criteria. End users will be able to create virtual folders, for example, that are based on a set of per-node features such as the date-time stamp or the first three letters of the name. This way, files will appear and disappear from virtual folders based on their changing membership in the domains that result from these file system queries.”

“That’s going to be way less confusing.”

Mr. Allchin went on to explain that other than the changes to make the file system harder to understand, Shorthorn would be a set of security patches and will include better support for the never-to-be-implemented second version of the Internet called IPv6, as well as a set of snazzy new graphical features stolen from Mac OS X.

“Of course, getting Shorthorn out on time is more important than actually improving anything, so this list of feature may be shortened if we hit any snags.”

50 j00 g0nn4 n33d 0n “grammar” –n- “spelling”—4 c0mb1n4t10n uv c0rr3ct L1ng0 d351gn3d 70 s3cur3 IM –n- 3m41L fr0m j00.

x3y . 4 Grammar:

l3773rs –r- l3773rs. 4 x4mpl3, l337 = “leet”

n0 l337. 4 x4mpl3, 1337 = “elite”

5p3LL1ng = d1c710n4ry. 4 x4mpl3, j00 = “You”, n00b = “New User”, m4d 5×1LLz = “Exceptional Talents”, kewl = “Cool”.

ru13z o “grammar” –r- 0b3yd. 4 x4mpl3, “I am planning to illegally exploit the computers of random unknown strangers who have not applied the latest security patches tonight so as to create a distributed network from which I might perpetrate a denial of service attack against the Motion Picture Association of America.” 1nst34d of “g0t t0 g3t m4d z0mbi3z 0ff n00bs 2 DOS MPAA.”

The software, dubbed “Macintosh OS X” was developed in cooperation with Apple Computer corporation. Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates explained the software at the recent Consumer Eelectronics Show (CES): “We’ve taken software that Apple had already developed and ported it to the x86 Architecture. By providing a new operating system core that is fundamentally incompatible with software written for Windows, we’ve pulled the rug out from under spyware, virus, and other malware opportunists.”

Mr. Gates also noted that the new software will pose challenges for users. “Security always comes at a cost to usability. In this case, users will have to throw away all of their software, but that’s a small price to pay for security.”

Apparently the Microsoft-based software had to be rebooted every 30 days, similar to Windows systems, to avoid “data overload”, and a technician failed to do so.

Similar events have occurred in the past in United Kingdom and Prague. SlashNot advises that you exercise extreme caution in any flights to or from California until a system upgrade is complete.

[Stories in the True Stories department are true. Sometimes satire writes itself.]

Microsoft has announced the release of a starter version of Windows XP for the piracy-infested southeast Asia region called Windows XPSE. XPSE, retailed for about $ 35 dollars (vs. $ 4 for a pirated copy of XP Pro) has the following features designed to woo consumers away from piracy:

1. A limit of three running applications at one time.
2. A limit of three windows per application
3. No windows networking support
4. No significant ability to change default settings
5. Few of XP’s built-in applications.
Gartner Group principle analyst Martin Gilliland states: “We’ve recommended, basically, that nobody buy these. [The product] has no value for anybody as this stands.”
]]> http://www.slashnot.com/articles/444/feed/ 1 http://www.slashnot.com/articles/438/ http://www.slashnot.com/articles/438/#comments Mon, 26 Jul 2004 17:46:14 +0000 Matthew Matthew writes: Linspired by Microsoft’s recent 20 million dollar settlement with Lindows, and by a user’s comment on SlashNOT, a San Diego resident has changed his name to “Microsoft Jones.” SlashNOT’s Southwest Asia correspondent Jaffar Lasharesh interviewed Mr. Jones after bumping into him in line at the DMV during the name change process.

Jaffar: (after 30 minutes of abject boredom) “So, what are you in for?”

Kevin: “Name change.”

Jaffar: “Oh, really? Are you getting married?”

Kevin: “No, I’ve just decided that I’m done with Kevin Kalifornia. It’s sooo 90’s. I’ve been meaning to change it for a while but I couldn’t think of anything that said “wartime depression and economic upheaval”. Then I saw a user’s comment on SlashNOT and it hit me with a bang!” (gesticulates indescribably).

Jaffar: “Hey, I’m the Southwest Asia correspondent for SlashNOT! What a funny coincidence.”

Keven: “How nice for you.”

Jaffar: “Ah, yea. So, what are you changing it to?”

Kevin: “Microsoft Jones. I’m going to get them to sue me and lose based on the David Lee Roth vs. Van Halen decision that gives personal names priority over corporate trademarks. Then they’ll pay me to change it to something else like they did with those Lindows geeks.

Jaffar: “Do you think that will work?”

Kevin: “It worked with Matthew Broderick.”

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