Root Languages added to Urban Dictionary

Posted by Matthew on Monday May 1, 2006 @08:18PM

from the l00k-n00bs dept.

Internet

Sirius writes: Urban Dictionary has recently announced that they will be adding new root language information to each of their entrees.

“Many of the people who view our site would be shot in public if they were to use some of the words that we have in our library. With knowledge as to where these words were derived, we can avoid potential lawsuits, and help inform the public of how to use these words more properly.”

The root languages will include ‘Gangsta’, ‘Asian’, ‘Nerd’, ‘Internet’, ‘C++’, ‘Children based TV shows not limited to Teletubies’, and ‘Pre 16-Bit Era’.

“Often times, you will encounter words such as H4X0RZ, and it would be much simpler to know that you are only allowed to say this on the internet. Another example would be “ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US” will provoke unwanted hostility when used in public.”

Urban Dictionary also is considering adding a translator for difficult phrases such as ‘ROFLMAO GG NUBL3T GOT PWN3D!!!11!!1@NOSPAM@NOSPAM@NO_SPAM111!!!!’ into a much more understandable ‘You Suck’.

Yahoo! does walk of shame

Posted by Matthew on Sunday April 2, 2006 @11:57PM

from the as-ye-buy,-so-shall-ye-reap dept.

Internet

Matthew writes: After waking up with a serious hangover, the Chief Finance Officer at Yahoo! set about undoing the financial damage from the company’s April Fool’s Day website acquisition spree. This is a transcription of the phone call to SlashNOT managing editor Matthew.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Matthew?”

“Yeah?”

“Hi Matthew. It’s Susan Decker, CFO of Yahoo! We spoke yesterday about acquiring your website?”

“Right, yeah, thanks for the ducats.”

“Yes, well, about that, well, it’s rather difficult to bring up, but I’m afraid that we may have purchased your site in error. Frankly, we thought we were buying a site called “Slashdot.com”, which apparently looks a lot like your website. I’m not familiar with the details or really what the difference is, but my tech guys are saying that we got the wrong site. Of course, we understand that this is our mistake, and we want to do the right thing by you, so we’d like to just turn the website in question back over to you and you can go ahead and keep the $ 200.00. How does that sound?”

“Um, okay.”

“Great, that’s fantastic. It’s been good doing business with you, Matthew, and on behalf of the entire Yahoo! team, I’d like to thank you for your professionalism.”

“dude, whatever man. I can keep the check right?”

“Yes, that’s right. Okay, well, I’ve got a lot more calls to make so I’m going to go ahead and get back to it.”

“Later dude.”

Bill Gates: Why bother with passwords?

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday February 15, 2006 @04:19PM

from the trustworthless-computing dept.

Internet

Matthew writes: Microsoft is planning to include new “Infocard” technology in Internet Explorer that will allow websites to extract personal information from your computer without requiring a password.

“We looked at the web landscape, and the security performance of both our web browser and Mozilla/Firefox, and we realized that any website can own your computer with spyware no matter what we do, so why bother with typing a password? We figure that by having a standardized protocol for a website to rifle through your personal information, they won’t have to install spyware to get it—and that’s a big security bonus.”

We want to make sure security isn’t holding us back.

AOL to introduce Guaranteed Spam Delivery

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 3, 2006 @12:26AM

from the refugees-from-AOL dept.

Internet

Matthew writes: AOL has finally figured out how to charge for e-mail: Forget about charging the 5% of legitimate senders and make the spammers pay to reach their customers directly.

So they plan to block access to their 40 million subscribers to anyone who sends bulk mail (or whose mail server has been exploited by someone who does) unless the bulk mailer pays a per-message fee. Other free e-mail providers are expected to follow suit as soon as they determine how few of the remaining idiots on AOL actually flee because of the new guaranteed spam delivery service.

Letter to The Onion editors

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday October 5, 2005 @05:37PM

from the Our-milkshake-is-better-than-yours,-too dept.

Internet

Matthew writes: Sirs,

Your article entitled “Skeleton Of Mayan Nerd Dug From Prehistoric Locker“, while humorous, is rife with anthropological and archeological inaccuracies.

Firstly, the Altun Ha settlement was not yet settled in 800 B.C. The Mayan culture had not yet distinguished itself from its Olmec forebearers (who would have been in full bloom in 800 BC).

Secondly, the dwellers at Altun Ha did not begin to use stone lockers until the classical period beginning in 200 A.D. Altun Ha was a religious center whose only high school served the children of priests, who had no need to store illicit drugs while at school.

Finally, there never were any antelope, or any other large ungulate besides the Llama, in South America then or now.

Normally, I would never take to task the editor of another esteemed satirical publication. But the outragous fabrications in your piece bespoke a lack of fastidious fact checking unbecoming to your organization.

Your servant, Matthew

Regarding your website

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday September 27, 2005 @01:18AM

from the that's-not-what-I-ordered dept.

Internet

Matthew writes: As the president of the American Society of Website Critics, I would like to offer the following free analysis of the fictional content of your website. Please use this critical analysis in the spirit it was intended—to assist you in improving the believability of your story, thus enhancing the experience for your intended audience.

The female lead was billed as a teenager; she clearly was not. Casting is key—actors must match the age, race, stereotype, and style of the fictional character. You can’t cast Cher as a high-school cheerleader, for example.

The plot did not seem particularly believable—nobody would order a cheese pizza with no other toppings. Cheese pizzas only exist for some sort of tax reason. It would not have significantly impacted the production budget to have included pepperoni, and may have made the subsequent frame somewhat more believable.

What are the female lead’s motivations in frame 5? In frame 4, she seems shocked—there is no effective transition here.

The sudden appearance of a supporting male actor in frame 7 was unexplained. Who is this new character? What are his motivations? Why would I as a reader care about him? It does not seem economically competitive to use two employees to deliver pizza—this smacks of melodrama.

The story lacks an effective ending. Do the male and female lead live happily ever after? Do they ever meet in Paris? Or does he simply continue making his deliveries? What becomes of the supporting male actor—the mysterious person whose face we never see?

With some additional transitions, a little more character development, and some additional polishing you’d have a photoplay worth the $ 3.95 access charge. Good luck!

How to post a Craigslist Car Ad

Posted by Matthew on Thursday August 11, 2005 @11:51PM

from the unknown dept.

Internet

Paul writes: 9 tips for effective car sale ads:

Each of these tips have been carefully culled from fine examples of automobile for-sale ads here on Craigslist. Feel free to consult them when writing your own…

1. In your ad title, don’t list the make, or model, or possibly the year of the car you are selling. Buyers don’t necessarily need to know this up front and the intrigue draws them into reading the ad.

2. In the description, omit the color, transmission type, major options, or especially the mileage. If a buyer was interested, she won’t mind taking the time to send you email to find out, and the emotional rapport you’ll subsequently develop will make her more likely to buy your car.

3. Take pictures, because pictures help sell cars. But take them at night.

Or even inside your garage with a small flash. This gives the pictures a bold, unique look, and the effect helps enhance the mystique of your vehicle.

4. WRITE DESCRIPTION ALL CAP FOR EMPHASIS. CLOSE PAY ATTENTION TO GRAMMAR POSITIVE FOR BUYER’S PERCEPTION OF YOU AND YOUR VEHICLE.

5. Clearly state how much you paid for it five years ago new, or used, or how much money you’ve had to put into repairs (but there’s no need to waste space listing the actual work done). This information is critical to helping a prospective buyer to determine its current value.

6. Add many keywords to your ad. Though they may not have anything to do with the car you are selling, they make it more likely to appear in search results. There is some chance that someone desiring an S2000 will instead buy your lowered Civic.

7. There’s no need to mention if the car has been in an accident or has any other title blemish. You will in time find a cash buyer who has never heard of CARFAX.

8. Include phrases such as “my loss is your gain,” “I hate to part with it,” “nicest car around,” or any explanation about why you are selling it that includes your wife. These build empathy with a prospective buyer.

9. Wax rhapsodic about how 125K miles is still young for any car other than a Mercedes.

ICANN approves new .xxx top-level domain

Posted by Matthew on Friday June 3, 2005 @06:04PM

from the better-late-than-never dept.

Internet

Matthew writes: ICANN today approved the new .xxx domain specifically designated for Internet Porn.

“With this move, we’re creating a partition on the Internet for purveyors of adult content who agree to abide by a voluntarily enforced code.”

“The code specifically states that models actually appear to be as claimed—i.e., hot, young, voluptuous, or whatever; that browser’s won’t be hijacked by numerous popup windows or taken to unexpected places; that the money shots won’t be blurred out in sample images, and that users won’t get trapped in link circles going from page to page.”

“With a TLD dedicated to porn, it will be trivial to make browser plugins that prevent your cache and history from getting “stained up” with content within the .xxx namespace without having to use tell-tale cache and history clearing.”

“We felt that the quality of online porn sites was too variable within the .com namespace, so we’ve decided to do something about it. The new .xxx TLD is all about quality. Oh yeah, and it’s easy to block content.”

President Googlebombed

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday March 15, 2005 @06:32PM

from the unigoogler dept.

Internet

Mearzuh writes:

Googlebombers attacked President bush this week in an apparent character assassination attempt. The attack, in which a multiplicity of blogs all linked to the president’s biography on the whitehouse website using stories containing the words “miserable failure”. This caused Google to redirect legitimate seakers of miserable failure to the president’s website.


Follow these instructions and see for yourself:
1) Go to www.google.com
2) Type: miserable failure
3) Click on the “I feel lucky” button
4) Voila, you’re looking at a miserable failure on its official website


The Secret Service has announced that they have numerous bloggers in custody and are interviewing the detainees to determine exactly how they are connected to al Queda.

Retaliatory attacks by the President’s supporters have been less effective, as the partisans split their attacks against Jimmy Carter and Michael Moore.

Altavista to serve only ads

Posted by Matthew on Monday January 24, 2005 @01:05PM

from the stupid-is-as-stupid-does dept.

Internet

Matthew writes: After ABC news reported that 82% of adult web searchers cannot distinguish actual search results from placed ads, Altavista has announced that it is converting to an ads-only format.

“Man, we’ve been beating ourselves up for years trying to catch up to Google’s search technology! What a waste of time that was, when all we needed to do was deliver ads by keyword. To hell with crawling the web for pages, that takes actual work! We’re just going to over-sell ad keywords and turn Altavista into an ad-search service. Sure, we’ll piss off the smartest 18% of searchers, but I think we can live with 82% of the market and 100% monetization of all searches.

Another survey indicated that 92% of people feel confident in their searching abilities, while the remaining 8% smelled themselves and fell off of a tree branch when questioned.