SlashNOT

Squid writes: Earlier this month, Dell spokesdude Steven was put on indefinite leave as Dell focuses on new dude-free ad campaigns. In a similar story, Gateway’s Holstein spokescow, Bessie, was laid off last week. In a surprising development, the two have joined forces to start their own PC manufacturer.

“Bessie has worked for those Gateway dudes since 1989,” said Steven in a press conference, “and getting fired so soon after her road trip with the CEO was a major bummer. When she called me with this new idea, I was like, Awesome! We should totally do it!”

The new company, DudeRanch2000.com, will officially launch in early 2003. Details on their new product line are sketchy, but the computers will be “like way cooler than Dell,” according to Steven. “And the boxes will have cow spots.”

Squid writes: Microsoft plans to launch its new Tablet PC standard on November 7th. According to Bill Gates, “Within five years it will be the most popular form of PC sold in America.” While this may seem overly optimistic, Microsoft assured reporters that it has the marketing muscle to make this happen.

“First of all, we’re encouraging hardware manufacturers to stop producing keyboards, since only the most advanced users need them,” said a Microsoft spokesperson. “We’re also lobbying world governments to implement a ban on the letters ‘L’ and ‘Z’, since our handwriting recognition software has trouble with them.”

Once this is accomplished, the Tablet PC will be a guaranteed success, according to Microsoft. “After that, all we need to do is get more hardware manufacturers on board, ressurrect the PC industry and the US economy, and convince everyone that a 2000-dollar tablet PC is better than their current notebook“.

Matthew writes: The Bluetooth consortium is considering changing the name of their technology to Bloodylip to more accurately reflect their market position versus the dominant 802.11b wireless standard.
“We’ve tried convincing people that Bluetooth just isn’t the same thing as 802.11b, but we’re constantly pushed into competition with them.”
“802.11b is a great technology, no doubt about it. But it’s much higher range, older, faster, and has way more market penetration than we do. Bluetooth is for when you want really low bandwith at astonishingly short range. 802.11b is for higher bandwith at longer range. It’s simple, really, but the pundits keep comparing them to us, and of course, we suck. It’s like comparing kumquats to oranges. Kumquats are smaller, harder to find, and sour. Oranges are bigger, sweeter, and ubiquitous.”

Matthew writes: With two years to go, Iomega has set the stage for a massive collapse, beginning in 2004.
Iomega VP of R&D Mahmoud Mostafa explains: “We’ve got a whole new line of uncompelling and expensive products ready to go, beginning with Zip 750. CDR/W has been beating us up and taking our lunch money, and Zip 750 is our response to that. Costing nearly 20 times as much for the same amount of storage, and lacking the ability to be read everywhere, we really feel that Zip 750 is going to be the Anchor that drags us right to the bottom.”
“We rode the Zip cash cow for a decade now, and didn’t come up with a single compelling product between now and then. Remember MiniZip? It’s like Flash memory except it’s slower, has no market penetration, and it’s easy to break. Remember Jaz? Who knew hard disks were going to get so cheap that people wouldn’t need it, except those who did the standard projections? Man, that took nobody but us by surprise.”
“But just in case Zip 750 doesn’t kill us, we’ve got a bunch of higher capacity media way down the line that are guaranteed to be obsolete, incompatible, and expensive by the time we bring them to market. It’s how we plan wring ever last cent of shareholder value out before we bite it.”

Matthew writes: National Semiconductor announced their forthcoming 3GHz XC-6502 Microprocessor. Reprising the famous processor used in the Apple II, Atari series of computers, the Commodore 64, and others, National states: “The market for an ultra-high-speed 6502 has never been better.”
Sporting 256MB cache but (like the original processor) allowing access to only 64KB of main memory, the processor is capable of running classic computer application at 3,000 times their original speed.
“Essentially, you won’t see a damned thing between keystrokes.” said the spokesman.
As a self-clocking drop-in replacement for the 6502, the processor can easily be added to any of the classic machines that still function, presuming there’s room for the 16cu. in. cooling fan.

Squid writes: For years the computer industry has followed Moore’s law, which states that the number of transistors per inch on an integrated circuit - and thus, the speed of a computer - doubles every 18 months. Now, the US Senate has overwhelmingly voted to repeal Moore’s Law.

This is great news for Intel and other chip makers, whose progress has always been limited by Moore’s law. It’s also great news for Microsoft and other makers of slow, bloated software. “With Moore’s Law out of the way, we’ll be able to quadruple the size of the Windows XP codebase within the next year,” says a Microsoft source.

Moore’s Law has been on the books since proposed by Intel chairman Gordon E. Moore in 1965. Congress is hoping that this move will revitalize the computer industry. Rumor has it the laws of physics are next on the agenda.

Submission by Cpt. Tako

According to BZNet, Intel has announced plans to release it’s next line of x86 compatible processors processors. The company is finally updating it’s Pentium trademark to “Sexium” to compete against the AMD Athlon.
“There name says sweaty and stinky. Our name says sweaty but smells
goooood.” remarked an Intel spokesperson. Other product names Intel considered to “jazz up” the lackluster performance of the line included Pentium X and Pentium XXX. The processors are due out in Q4 2004.