Motorola releases new line of FONRs

Posted by Matthew on Friday February 3, 2006 @01:41AM

from the PRDY-or-SATR dept.


Matthew writes: Building on the success of its new “four letter, ends in R, and drops schwa vowels” naming scheme, Motorola has announced a new line of trendy niche phones. The new phones will target specific demographics that have been traditionally underserved. Other phones in the new lineup include:

  • HAXR � includes BT, WiFi, 1xRTT, EvDO, CDMA, GSM, USB, and 14 other acronyms
  • GAZR—Small enough to be clipped to grommet hole in ear
  • PLYR—Second phone book and photo storage that can only be accessed by secret code
  • GEZR—extra large LCD display, sudden fall sensor automatically dials 911
  • BOMR—has convenient alligator clips from speaker for easy remote signaling
  • TAZR—DTMF tone for # causes phone to deliver 50,000 volt shock to owner
  • FUKR—extra loud speakerphone only with annoying ring tones built in.

Buy a Dell, get a Ford

Posted by Matthew on Thursday March 31, 2005 @11:27AM

from the out-of-focus dept.


drew writes:

Dell and Ford Motor Company have announced an expansion of their recent sales partnership created to drive anemic sales for both companies.

“Our ‘Buy a Focus, get a Dell’ sales promotion has been somewhat successful, but we feel that with just a little tweaking, we’re going to have a phenomenal marketing campaign. So we’ve modified it to the ‘Buy a Dell, get a Focus’. So far, we’ve seen a big jump in the sales numbers.”

According to the marketing group responsible for the promotion, Dell’s sales are up over 400%. The promotion is limited to Dell products whose value is greater than that of a Focus, or $ 3000. Ford has also been moving units briskly under the campaign, but their sales numbers were not available as of the time of this writing.

Windows XP Bathroom Edition released

Posted by Matthew on Saturday October 9, 2004 @09:33PM

from the Functional-yet-crazy dept.


Matthew writes: Based on the Windows XP Media Center edition, the new Bathroom Edition features a waterproof X-Box controller with LCD that can be used to remotely control a Windows XP Media Center computer.

“We’ve added some bathroom related content, such ebook anthologies of Reader’s Digest and Prevention magazines, as well as limiting the controller to low-voltage bathtub safe electrical signals.” The device also has a browser for Microsoft’s new news clipping protocol SkidML.

Maxtor Boasts "Biggest Hard Drives Yet"

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday March 23, 2004 @06:54PM

from the best-of-the-worst dept.


trmj writes: As a result of hard drive manufacturer Maxtor‘s new “Return, Rebuild, Repackage” program, information has been released on their “biggest hard drives yet.” The drives weigh in at almost 17 lbs, and take up a full 5.25″ drive bay. Capacity ranges from 60 GB to an impressive 150 GB, and spin at 7200 RPMs.

At a press conference Thursday, a spokesman for the company offered the following explaination, “Ever wonder what manufacturers do with returns? Normally, they just throw away the junk, but we at Maxtor have found that we can resell ours! In a new manufacturing process, we take the working cylinders from our returned drives and stack them in a box with a sensor and a motor. Surprisingly, they even work when we’re done!”

When asked about Maxtor’s new return policy, the spokesman’s comment was less than promising: “As our new line of products are released, the warranty is only for Dead-On-Arrival products. We can only PR spin this s*** so far.”

IBM creating world’s most powerful computer

Posted by Matthew on Sunday November 16, 2003 @01:23PM

from the life-follows-art dept.


Matthew writes: Under contract to the U.S. Government, IBM is building the world’s most powerful computer. Blue Gene/L will be composed of 128 nodes each having 1024 Power (G5) processors, and will run at approximately 360 TeraFLOPS (Floating point Operations Per Second)—ten times faster than the now reigning Earth Simulator in Japan.

Blue Gene/L is designed to automatically perform all functions of government (including the department of defense), freeing the 25 million U.S. civil servants to live in peaceful harmony with nature. Blue Gene/L is specifically designed to operate with much lower power requirements and has an integrated small scale hot fusion reactor, which will allow the computer to tolerate grid power failures as long as the operating staff provides ample carbohydrate fuel sources, such wheat, corn, or other grains. Other fault tolerant features include a force sheild and the ability to electrocute operators when necessary.

The computer is also much smaller than competing systems and does not require esoteric air conditioning systems, which will allow the system to be installed within pyramids, temple ruins, or the large concrete head of a reptilian god, should the need arise.

Sun CEO bottles JINI Execs

Posted by Michael on Thursday September 4, 2003 @05:26AM

from the I-dream-of-JINI dept.


fsck_you and SIGSLAP write: Sources deep inside Sun Microsystems say an enraged Scott McNealy, President/CEO, fired several senior “business development” executives after a recent trip to Circuit City failed to produce a single JINI(tm)-enabled appliance.

According to our sources, McNealy had been assured several times by senior Sun execs that “all those kitchen things are now fully connected by JINI(tm). As soon as the coffee is brewed, the toaster starts the Pop Tarts, and 1 hour later the dish washer starts up!” A furious McNealy reportedly asked several times, “if that stuff’s not actually shipping, what the hell was Bill Joy demonstrating at the Sun One conference? Next you’re going to tell me that was all just mock ups for marketing!”

To the best of our knowledge as many as 10 senior executives were let go. In possibly related news, Sun announced today that projections for Q4 are looking strong due to drastic cuts in overhead.

Microsoft makes mice smaller

Posted by Matthew on Saturday April 5, 2003 @04:29PM

from the smaller-is-just-smaller dept.


C. O'Nuallain writes:

Microsoft is once again a step ahead in the race to discover and fulfil the needs of its customers. Their newest device, which they hope to release early this summer and discontinue by 2004, will hopefully replace the mouse or touchpad for laptop users.

“It’s funny we haven’t thought about this before,” one customer service representative commented. “We realize that space is a crucial issue in computers, especially laptops. The Beetle will save at least six cubic inches of space, and if your laptop comes in a skin-tight case, that’s a significant amount.” Touchpads and trackballs, she said “are no longer status symbols; everyone knows how annoying they are.”

The Beetle is sturdy and sleek, combining the accuracy of a mouse and the size of a lima bean. So far, testing has been remarkably successful. The only drawback is that it can be very hard to avoid clicking both right and left buttons simultaneously. Large-fingered testers have reported an added inability to use the scrolling wheel between the buttons without moving the whole device. A prototype for a future cordless Beetle has been made, and Microsoft plans to advertise it as “small enough to accidentally swallow.”

Microsoft hoped to name their new product “The Beatle,” hoping to appeal to baby-boomers, but the owners of that registered name would only permit it to be used if the device were packaged with a full-sized poster of Paul McCartney that polled customers found offensive. According to their latest press release, Microsoft will continue to use the name “Beetle” and hope that no one asks about the spelling.

SlashNOT Review: Logitech IO S**** Pen

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday March 5, 2003 @02:50PM

from the look-ma-no-brains dept.


Matthew writes: Logitech has introduced the next scion in a storied dynasty of products aimed at luring the non-typing executive masses nearer to the glowing lights of computerization: The IO Smart pen, which ships with a tablet of “digital paper” upon which the pen can sense and record it’s position due to special watermarks in the paper. Once you’ve completed a writing session, you ddock the pen to upload its “digital ink” contents via USB to a PC.

The five disappointments:

  1. the pen is the size of a small banana—too large to be useful as a writing instrument, too small to be useful as a weapon.
  2. the pen only works on specially watermarked digital paper, which is both expensive and never just lying around when you need it.
  3. the character reconition is only slightly better than random character generation.
  4. Disposable Bics are vastly superior writing instruments.
  5. The software requires you to sell your soul to the .NET framework in order to function (an extra 20MB install).

Bottom Line: Almost as useful as a non-digital pen and pad of paper.

IBM releases Sling Blade Server

Posted by Matthew on Wednesday February 12, 2003 @09:45PM

from the Just-give-us-one-word-in-common dept.


Matthew writes: IBM has announced the release of their new ultra-high density blade server system that features IBM’s new “Sling” hot-swap technology (Some folks call it a Kaiser Blade system), which allows individual blades to be replaced by removing a single screw and extending the blade. The new blade server disks are then automatically mirrored (or “shined” in IBM terminology) in less than five minutes. Zero downtime is easily accomplished by implementing clustering between the blades.

Blades are concentrated in a 7 rack unit “shed” capable of holding up to 14 units, thus providing up to 84 servers in a standard rack to create a server “farm”.

The Stashed Review; Tablet PC flans writing recognition

Posted by Matthew on Tuesday November 19, 2002 @06:58PM

from the Keyboards-in-no-risk-of-extinction dept.


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