SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Dungeon Dorks around the world were amazed to find that their beloved pastime, Dungeons & Dorks, apparently pre-dates 1974. Evidence of Ancient Dungeon Dorking (AD&D) has apparently been known to dorkologists for many decades, but, because D&D wasn’t rediscovered until 1974, the ancient game had not been correlated with its modern counterpart.

Because no Ancient Dork Master’s Guide has been found, the precise rules of the game are not known. As these ancient dorks lived in the time that is now modeled by the modern game, it’s likely that they fantasized about an earlier and more primitive time, which to them would have been when humans lived in caves and fought off yet-to-be domesticated wolves for their food.

Rules were likely much simpler, and may have forgone the armor class charts, encumbrance tables, and character sheets to go straight into the night-long game ending argument over exactly which protective spells had been cast prior to the appearance of the wights. Dorkologists speculate that the symbols on the die in this auction may have indicated exactly which argument the role players were to engage in.

Matthew writes: Dark Lord Croktha, 14th Lord of Banedown Barrowlands and 23rd Level Half-Drow Elven Assassin/Thief (aka Gerald Smeed, Subway sandwich artist), on the effect of video games on the young.

“Basically, video games are destroying the next generation. I mean, there’s no attention span, no ability to perform any kind of critical thinking, it’s just knee-jerk reaction after reaction. Yes, the games are visibly beautiful, but so is the imagination. Just last week I slew the dread Dragon Lord Smood after vanquishing Banashe, Queen of Limbo. All in my head, with paper and dice!”

“The real sad part is the total lack of socialization. These kids are spending all their time alone, in the solitary world of video games, mastering what amounts to solitaire puzzles. With the classic Role Playing Games, you had to get together as a group. There was real camaraderie, a sense of purpose, and a sense of belonging. As it is, we’re loosing the next generation to these damned on-line games, and it’s getting really hard to find new members for the guild meetings. I mean, we used to be really picky about just playing AD&D 3rd Edition, and that may have caused some hard feelings, but heck, these days we’ll do a GURPS session now and then if people are interested. How are these kids going to function in the real world?”

“Vinegar and Oil?”

Tyson writes: Sammy Corporation and longtime Japanese gamemaker Sega announced a merger to be finalized later this year. This effectively ends long time rumors of a Microsoft takeover of the struggling game company.

Microsoft was in final negotiations to purchase Sega when Sammy suddenly double-dog dared them to a winner-takes-all Pachinko playoff that would determine which company would gain the right to merge. After days of intense play, Sammy’s deaf, dumb, and blind Pachinko Wizard finally beat Steve Ballmer, who played for Microsoft. The Sammy player was later killed in a bizarre Pachinko-related homicide.

The newly formed company will combine pachinko machines with Dreamcast technology to bring high-volume gambling into the living room. In related news, beloved game publisher Square is merging with an obscure game company called Enix.

Microsoft, depressed over its missed chance, consoled itself by purchasing similarly named Segway, the Society of Exploration Geophysicists (SEG) and the mortal remains of Dr. Carl Segan.

Matthew writes: EA/Maxis, the creator of Similization, has announced plans to smite the subscription multiplayer on-line role playing game only a few weeks after its debut due to slow sales, customer dissatisfaction, and rampant sin.

EA/Maxis has released this statement:

“Now the players of Similization were wicked and sinners before us, and have forsaken all that which we hath given them. Yea, they are slothful in subscribing and causeth a great burden in support and are as a millstone about our necks. Therefore we wouldst destroy this place, because the sin of the players is waxen great before the face of EA/Maxis. Then shalt EA/Maxis rain upon Similization brimstone and fire from out of the sky, and overthrow the cities, and all the plains, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and all that which grows upon the ground.”

Early purchasers are apparently enraged about paying for a game they won’t be able to play, so EA/Maxis has offered to smite them as well.

Matthew writes: Reviews of Microsoft Train Simulator report that the simulation is stunningly realistic: It’s every bit as boring as real trains.

Earnest Morrow, an engineer on the BNSF line who frequently travels the actual Marias Pass in Montana, confirmed the stunning accuracy of of the Simulation: “Yep. That’s the Marias Pass all right.”

When pressed for details, Mr. Morrow elaborated: “Why in tarnation would anyone bother to make this thing? It’s not as if you’re going to learn to steal a train and run it into a building.”

A Microsoft spokesman confirmed upcoming titles from the company’s famed simulation series: Strip Mine Simulator, Oil Tanker Simulator, and Blast Furnace Simulator.

EA-Maxis, developers of famous simulations including SimAnt, SimCoaster, and SimLandfill, have released their crowning achievement: Similization. Similar to the recent hit game The Sims, in which players control the lives of otherwise purposeless computer simulated humans, Similization expands game play to billions of concurrent Sims and increases realism by removing all player control beyond specifying the initial starting conditions.

“We realized that by allowing the player to control the life of the Sims, unrealistic situations were occurring. Players would invariably concentrate on one or two Sims at a time, and those Sims would end up attracting large groups of followers, which would subsequently begin constructing extremely elaborate buildings for no apparent purpose.” says Maxis lead developer Ian Combs

“We’ve finally truly mapped the human experience in Similization, which the players compete by setting up starting conditions and then watching how far the Similization goes before destroying itself. So far in the six thousand simulations we’ve run in the lab, we’ve seen three end scenarios emerge: collapse by viral agent, global nuclear war, and mass starvation brought on by environmental changes. The starvation one is the most common. It’s all very exciting.”

“We’ve created an environment that so closely matches human experience, that we’ve seen remarkable parallels in some of our running lab simulations.” he continues. “For example, we have Sims who have developed the ability to create software that simulates their own existence. If you look really closely, you can see me, right there in that Sim EA building, pointing at something on that monitor there.”

ID software, innovators of the first person shooter video game genre with the release of Wolfenstein 3D, set the gaming world on fire with Doom. To follow it up, they were the first to release a truly three dimentional environment with Quake.

How can they top all this? With their next breakthrough, the ethically nonviolent Quaker.

In Quaker, you roam through a 19th century countryside trading platitudes with bucolic peasants and townspeople. Armed with nothing but a sense of moral fortitude and a love of your fellow man, you steadfastly refuse various temptations and live a Christlike existence. “We wanted to break the mold again, by removing the necessity for violence and a goal.”

Submission by Cpt. Tako

This website shows exactly how to convert a Nintendo Gameglove into a USB vagina using only the glove, an electrical power cord, and a damp natural sponge! I can’t say it looks anything like a real vagina, but then site operators mention that they’ve never seen a real one. Apparently, they did all their research online at various biology special interest websites. I can’t say I’d use it, but then I have access to the real thing.