matthew writes: Ever the innovator, Apple Computer has released an easy and inexpensive new cooling method to cope with the prodigious heat generated by their new series of aluminum Mac Book Pro computers.

Generating enough heat to keep laptop users comfy in the winter and sterile throughout the year, heat related issues have plagued Apple support. While the company insists that the laptops run within spec, they do advise that all users maintain a safe distance from the machines.

To cope with the problem, Apple support has developed a remedial method for cooling the computers during use. End users are now advised to simply pour water onto the laptops on a regular basis to cool them. The circuitry runs so hot internally that the water immediately superheats, making it non-conductive and therefore safe for electronics. As with any super-heating steam source, users should ensure that they are a safe distance from the laptop during steam cooling operations.

Matthew writes: Apple computer was sued today in class action lawsuit alleging that iPod users suffer from an impaired ability to hear while using the device.

“When you’ve got Gorillaz blasting at full volume on your iPod, it’s difficult to hear what’s going on around you” claimed lead attorney Jackie Chiles. “This hearing loss can lead to excessive loud talking in public, overuse of the word ‘what?’, a smug and unwarranted feeling of superiority, a sense of isolation from others and the world, dancing in silhouette, and—worst of all—could lead to Macintosh use. Consumers weren’t appraised of these dangers when they bought iPods.”

Charles writes: Hell has suddenly frozen over today, leaving normal operation at a complete standstill as imps, minor demons, and the souls of the damned attempt to cope with the sudden change in temperature. Lava flows have reportedly completely solidified, lakes of fire have frozen over, and brimstone has become merely stone. Baalzebub, spokesdaemon for Dark Lord Satan, has issued the following press release:

“Our evil scientists are studying the phenomenon closely, and report that the sudden shift in climate appears to be due to Apple’s announcement that it will be using Intel processors in its Macintosh computers.”

Hog farmers have also been beset by animals escaping their pens using wings that sprouted immediately from their backs. Angus Black, a pig farmer from Minneola Minnesota, had this to say:

“It’s the damndest thing you ever seen. Apple is going to be using Intel processors. What’s next?”

matthew Strebe writes: Drew Bullard, an expert old school Unix administrator and sysadmin for a large university, was shocked to discover that he had accidentally become a common law mac user. Associate Zach Little explains.

“We were having beers after work when Drew pulled out his laptop and fired it up to browse a website. I realized then that he’d had that Mac for quite a while. I asked him how long, and he said He’d picked it up in early 2002.”

“I was like, ‘dude, you realize that makes you a Mac user, right?’ and he was like ‘Zach, you know I only bought a Mac becuase I’m a Unix sysadmin. Besides, you have to use a Mac for seven years before you become a common law mac user.’ And I was like ‘Dude, that’s in Texas. This is California. The law here is three years. You’re a mac user now, man.’”

“He was all bummed out. I know he got really burned by a Sun laptop in the early nineties and swore off ever sticking with a computer long enough to be “official”. I guess he just didn’t realize how much time had gone by.”

“He got really drunk, and kept talking about what a great laptop it was and how it didn’t really seem that much like a mac because it was so Unix compatible. It was like he was trying to talk himself into it. I don’t think I help things when I mentioned that he had more than half of his data stored in proprietary mac only formats that he wouldn’t be able to export if he decided to move on.”

“Finally, he was like ‘Damn, I guess we ought to just make it official. I’m a mac user.’ and then he drank himself to oblivion.”

Matthew writes: According to Gwyneth Paltrow’s publicist, Apple computers has sued the actress and her husband, Chris Martin of rock band Coldplay, for trademark infringement over the name of their newborn daughter, Apple Martin.

“This is reprehensible behavior, especially from a company that Gwyneth formerly liked. Chris and Gwyneth did not have apple computers in mind when they named Apple—they were thinking about the fruit. Apple didn’t invent the word apple, you know. The fruit companies should sue them.”

An Apple spokesperson responded to the criticism: “Apple has a fiduciary duty to its shareholders not to allow the company name or image be diluted by other potentially famous market competitors. While Apple Martin may not currently be competing with Apple, it is highly likely that she will one day become a movie actress, and compete with Apple’s forthcoming joint venture with Pixar Studios to develop virtual actors using 3D digital rendering technology. So yes, we’re being proactive about this and protecting our intellectual property.”

Matthew writes: Microsoft’s imminent version of the PocketPC for multimedia has been indicted on charges of conspiracy to commit murder and with making threatening press releases.

Apple’s iPod seemed circumspect about the arrest. “I’ve been stalked by a lot of companies in this market segment. I don’t really go around worrying about crazy people showing up on my doorstep—I mean, I’d go crazy if I did. I just hope that Microsoft gets the help that it needs.”

Defense attorney Patrick Kilborne claims that Microsoft’s estimated 0..0 price range proves that Microsoft is clearly deluded and therefore not responsible for it’s remarks. “Clearly, marking a 0 device against a 0 dollar device in a market that is comprised of teenagers indicates that Microsoft is delusional, disconnected from reality, and not responsible for it’s actions.”

Matthew writes: “I’d been thinking about switching for a long time–since high school really. I’d played around a little with Macintoshes back then. I actually lived with a Mac IIx when I was in the Navy, and I’ve had a G4 Cube in my closet for a few years.”

“But there was a lot of pressure back then to keep your machine preferences to yourself, so I never joined any Mac users groups or even really knew any other Mac users. I got used to using a PC. I told myself that I was just like everyone else, even though I knew, deep down inside, that I was different. But I work in Information Technology. I don’t know if people really understand how much social stigma is associated with Macs in the business world of IT. So yeah, I hid it.”

“After a few recent bad experiences with PCs I found myself wandering into an Apple store. I looked at a 17″ powerbook, and I just took a deep breath and I bought it!”

“Most everyone has been so supportive! But, like all Mac users, I have had a few friends take it personally, and my Mother totally doesn’t understand Macintoshes. She says she’s okay with whatever machine I want to use, but I can tell she’s just saying that because she thinks she has to. My close friends told me that they knew all along that I was a Mac user and were just waiting for me to figure it out. Frankly, it’s a lot easier now that being a Mac user is cool again.”

Jason Simpson writes:

Apple Releases the iCloset

San Francisco, CA – At a networking and storage convention today, Apple announced it will be releasing a revolutionary new technology titled the iCloset. The iCloset is a generic storage device which can be used anywhere in the home as well as for business applications. It easily stores a multitude of heterogenous items and is highly configurable.

Aside from it’s functionality, Apple has stayed true to their commitment to aesthetics giving iCloset users a range of options for integrating the device into almost any room’s decor. “For example, we offer several doors for the iCloset,” said James Horder, iCloset spokesperson. “One is a standard door which appears to the user to be like any other door in the room, for seamless integration. More elaborate configurations include ‘sliding’ doors, which may appeal to the more advanced user.” Horder also hints at configurations with ‘mirrored sliding doors’ which might target customers in the same demographic as those who use the iBrator.

There are no plans to develop doors which have the look and feel of Windows.

While critics are impressed, they still have some reservations. “I mean, I like the idea of being able to put all of my stuff away in one place, it seems like it would be easier to find things when I needed them.” said convention goer Carla Dreck. “But my concern is that average users with the ‘standard’ or ‘swinging’ door may become confused, mistaking it as an access point to another location or application.” According to Dreck, in the worst case this could lead to incidents where users are attempting to drag unwanted items to the garbage can, but find themselves in the closet instead. “Due to the laziness of the average Mac user,” Dreck continued, “they would probably just leave the item there. This would eventually impact system performance.”

Others show concerns regarding legal issues. One convention goer who wishes to remain anonymous voiced his concerns. “Some might argue that the ‘coat hanger’, which is an integral component of the iCloset, providing for nearly 90 percent of it’s functionality, is built on top of the ‘bent metal wire’ technology already patented by Microsoft circa 712 A.D.” He then went on to produce several stone tablets from his briefcase to verify the validity of his claim and declared that his back was killing him. Some onlookers were shocked to see this new evidence while others simply thought he had been “carrying a dell around in that bag.” Microsoft has already testified that the ‘bent metal wire’ technology cannot be decoupled from their operating system.

Aside from the negative criticism, some eager customers are already planning on what they will use their iClosets for. “I plan to store my skins in one.” said eager Mac use H. Lecter.

One Linux user was unimpressed, reiterating that this technology has already been available on Linux in the form of the ‘shelf’. “All you really need is some brackets and a board. And then of course some screws and a drill. Or maybe a hammer and some nails instead. Beginners might want to use a stud finder but real hackers know how to knock.” He added that using a level was completely unnecessary. This may seem needlessly complex to some users which has resulted in newer distributions of Linux shipping with a ‘shelf script’ which will automate the process.

Matthew writes: Apple design has announced its next triumph in the race to bring super-scalar computing to the home: The Apple iToaster.

With two IBM Power5 MCM Multi-Chip Modules, each having four dual-core G5 microprocessors and a whopping 144MB of on-chip cache, facing each other with a slot for bread between them, the iToaster will crank out 240 GFLOPS (Giga-FLoating-point Operations Per Second) while warming the perfect slice of toast every time.

“The operation is simple. You select ‘Traveling Salesman Fast Heuristic’ if you want a light toast, ’128-bit RSA/SSL keyspace brute force decrypt’ for a medium brown, and ‘Browning Pattern Thermal Convection and Turbulence Model’ if you like your toast darker brown.” Exclaims Apple CEO Steve Jobs at the recent MacOrgy in San Jose.

“As you know, Apple has always innovated with system design, especially in the area of heat management. This allows us to recycle what would otherwise be wasted heat. And at a target price of just , it’s quite competitive with your higher end toasters that can’t solve massive matrix computing problems.”