SlashNOT

Paul writes: Jesus Christ has announced that he will begin appearing in High Definition to selected believers throughout the country, and expects to roll out Christendom-wide High Definition experiences by 2013. Christsumers have responded enthusiastically to the new format, although there has been some concern about unauthorized spreading of the gospel in High Definition with devices such as Belivo.

“We just love our new High Definition church,” exclaims flock member Steven Hightower. “It was really hard to make out Christ in our visions before. I mean, we’d squint, and you could kind of tell it was him, but it was nothing like HD. He totally pops now. It’s just like Heaven!”

“That’s right,” says his wife Judith, “Or old pastor was really tinny when he beseeched into his microphone and at our new church, we just feel like we’re surround-sounded by the spirit. Plus I don’t get ostracized for wearing bare-midriff tops and my navel ring. And their rock band is totally better than the old hymn-singing fogies at our last church. We really feel like we’re getting our tithe’s worth now.”