SlashNOT

Matthew writes: Astrophysicists have been traveling in large concentric elliptical rings since the death of Albert Einstein. Universally stymied in their attempts to illuminate the farthest outposts of human knowledge, they have raised far more vexing questions than they have produced answers in their quest to measure and understand the Universe.

No question has been more vexing than the perplexing enigma referred to as Dark Matter. In essence, astrophysicists have calculated the weight of galaxies and found that they seem to be far heavier than the matter visible in them, so they must have a large component of non-luminous matter. Physicists for decades have been struggling to explain what this dark matter might be.

In desperation, two physicists from the University of Victoria in Canada held a séance to contact the ghost of Albert Einstein, to pose to him the question of Dark Matter. They were able to record and transcribe his response:

“Vhat ist all dis vhich you askv me? First, let me zee your vork. Hmm. I zee. Vhat ist it? Ist ein Newtonian Physics! Schvine! Vhat are you, Kinderphysicists? Newtonian physics applies only vhen zee orbiting bodies are not significant participants in zee gravitational field, such as vhen calculating zee planetary orbital mechanics! Vhen zee bodies comprise zee field, you must calculate zee galactic masses using mine General Relativity! Viola! Now zis requirement for ze dark matter goes kaput! Now please to let me alone and ask Hawking to do zis grunt vork for you next time!”