SlashNOT

Matthew writes: In a test case with ramifications for wusses throughout the nation, Burlington Northern & Santa Fe Railroad has been secretly running unproven genetic tests on its workers to prove that the employees are genetic wusses, thus relieving the company from responsibility for their myriad symptoms.

Donald Mingus, a spokesman for the American Hypocondrial Society (AHS), described the campaign. “We’ve got numerous members at BNSF who’ve been permanently disfigured by Carpal Tunnel, Sick Building Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Florescent Lighting effected Migraine Syndrome (FLeMS), and Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). While the cause, source, or even diagnosis is rarely provable, I’ve got reams of anecdotal evidence that shows that employers must be responsible.”

“Furthermore, we’re absolutely opposed to any sort of testing which might result in a negative diagnosis of our member’s ailments.”

“We want BNSF to stand up, take responsibility, and provide the magnetic therapy, gel-filled wrist rests, flat panel monitors with EMF shields, and healthy back office chairs that our members so desperately need.