SlashNOT

Me writes: Scientists have developed a new way to prevent the elderly from falling - shocking them. Dr. Owen Lift of the prestigious Kevorkian University describes this amazing technique.

“You see”, explains Dr. Lift, “Too often, our elderly parents suffer painful falls. It is a part of their diminished ability to maintain balance. This can often result in lengthy hospital stays, followed by rehabilitation in nursing homes. This is very costly, and reduces their resources that could be passed down to their offspring. This is what motivated me to develop this ankle bracelet.”

Dr. Lift proceeded to show me one of the ankle bracelets attached to a car battery. “This”, he described, “is the culminaton of months of research. When the patient begins to topple over, a small charge is sent through the bracelet, into the ankle, which in turn, sends a message to the brain. The patient then knows to correct his or her orientation to prevent falling. If the patient does not correct, the voltage is gradually increased based upon the vertical angle of the patient. Larger voltages are sometimes needed to get their attention, them being old and all.”

I asked Dr. Lift if this was safe. Dr. Lift guffawed, “Of course it is safe! I wouldn’t be using my own mother to test if it were not safe.” He then continued, “And on top of it, I offer this guarantee to any buyers: If you use this product, and your parents suffer debilitating injury resulting in savings draining hospital stays, you get your money back.”

I then asked about what happens when Mom or Dad goes to sleep at night. “She’ll find out….” he said with a mysterious grin, “she’ll find out…”